I turned 32 a couple of months ago. I've been out for 11 years now and with each year I become more and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not ashamed to be gay, in fact I'm happy to be gay. I've always said to my straight friends that being gay is no different to being straight and that the only difference is that gay people fancy people of the same sex while straight people go for the opposite sex. This week I realised I was wrong. Being gay is very different to being straight. 

Since coming out I've had seven different jobs (I wasn't sacked from any before you start jumping to conclusions - I'm just ambitious!) and in each one I experienced the expected nerves at interview, not wanting to seem too annoyingly keen or too laid back. I went through the awkward first day in each job, instantly forgetting everyone's name as soon as it left their mouths, not certain how to answer the phone and never too sure how many cups of tea was deemed reasonable to drink in one day. Everyone experiences these cringey but unavoidable things in their new job though so you just ride it out and deal with it, becoming more and more comfortable each week and praying for another new starter so you're no longer the newest employee.

In each one of the seven jobs I've had since coming out I've experienced something far more anxiety-inducing than forgetting someone's name. It's often said that you never really stop coming out and that's definitely true in the place of work and in each new job I've had since coming out I've had various levels of anxiety around the fact I'm gay. I dreaded the inevitable question that would no doubt come in week one, maybe week two if my new colleagues weren't overtly nosy! "So have you got a girlfriend Wayne?"

When I look back on each of the jobs I've had since I started to identify as gay I can honestly say that not one of my bosses ever made me feel uncomfortable about my sexuality before or after they knew I wasn't straight. The fear I had about having to answer that question and to come out at work was partly due to my lack of confidence in myself and partly due to the fact I prejudged my colleagues - something I am quite embarrassed and ashamed of in hindsight. 

No matter how cool each set of colleagues was about me being gay (and I've never experienced any hostility or homophobia in any job) it made absolutely no difference to how I felt when moving on to a new place of work with new people. The areas I have worked in (retail, private training, healthcare) are not overtly masculine arenas, in fact you could argue that they each have a fair representation of gay people - it's not as if I've been a premiership footballer or worked on an oil rig. When I look back at how I felt going in to each job I feel guilty. I feel guilty that without meeting the people I was to work with I had made assumptions that at least some of them would be uncomfortable with me being gay and in turn that would affect their attitude towards me. I guess it was the fear of being disliked for something I couldn't help.

I've always been aware that I possessed this somewhat irrational and somewhat logical fear - logical in the sense that as human beings we are programmed to protect ourselves from harm, whether it's physical or emotional. But it didn't matter how much I tried to talk myself out of expecting some kind of workplace homophobia, I always felt sick with anxiety about meeting new colleagues, especially straight males - after all, they'd all assume I fancied them and would not want to talk to me right? Such a strange view for me to have as I became good friends with many colleagues, including straight males, many of which became and remain friends.

I've thought about what each workplace could have done differently to make me feel more at ease when I started working with them; not that I'm blaming any of them for the fear and anxiety I felt, but employers do have a responsibility to make sure all of their staff feel comfortable at work. I've thought about what they could have done but I've always struggled to come up with anything - until now.

Last week I started working with Stonewall, the biggest British charity working for the rights of gay, lesbian and bisexual people. Contrary to popular belief not everyone who works at Stonewall is gay, lesbian or bisexual. About 75% are but the difference between starting work at Stonewall and any of my previous employers is that no one makes assumptions about your sexuality either way. Again, I'm not trying to criticise any employer that I have worked for previously, after all, most people are straight so an assumption that a new employee will also be straight will very often be proven right. The people who interviewed me for my job at Stonewall knew I was gay because I wrote about my coming out experiences and the RUComingOut website in my application so when I started on my first day I knew I didn't need to worry about them asking the girlfriend question. But what about my other new colleagues? Well none of them assumed anything about me. Some asked me if I had a partner during after work drinks but not one of them made an assumption about my sexuality, well not in a question directed right at me anyway! 

So here's what I've learned in the last week. When straight (and gay) people assume everyone else is straight, it isn't meant as a form of oppression, a way of marginalising gay people, but it can inadvertently cause that. My previous employers weren't homophobic, they didn't set out to make me feel awkward or to worry. So what can employers do to make gay, lesbian and bisexual people feel more comfortable when starting work with them? Well they can do what Stonewall do - make no assumptions. Managers and staff need the right training to enable them to make staff feel welcome whatever their orientation. 

"So Wayne, have you got a partner?"

One word changes. What's in a word? Girlfriend, partner, does it matter? Yes. To me it would have mattered. In that simple change of one word, the acknowledgement that I may be gay and that the person asking was cool with that, I would have felt more comfortable. I always knew I had issues with coming out (and to some extent being out) at work but never to the extent that I now know I did.

Some people reading this might not really see the point in what I'm saying. I spoke to my new housemate who has always worked in London and he told me that he has never felt that anxiety about starting a new job. He's gay. He says that he's always worked with other gay people and that it's never been an issue for him. But not everyone works in London, or New York, or Sydney. When I came out at 21 my boss was gay and I think seeing someone in a position of authority whom everyone seemed to like made me feel hopeful that things might not be so bad if I came out. He definitely inspired me to take that step and I often wonder if I'd still be in the closet if he hadn't been my boss! You spend so much time at work it really does affect who you are and how you live your life - more than I ever thought it did. In the seven jobs I've had since then and previous to my role at Stonewall I have never worked with another gay, lesbian or bisexual colleague in my team. Well, not an out gay, lesbian or bisexual anyway. No wonder I had so many anxieties about coming out at work. In my experiences at work I was an anomaly, a minority. 


In my new job I'm just me.


Wayne Dhesi
@WayneDavid81


For more on coming out at work read this feature by the BBC's Simon Wright

As soon as I read the news that NBA star Jason Collins had come out as gay, I found myself preparing for the torrent of comments that will no doubt swamp message boards and social networking sites across the globe in the coming hours, days and weeks. Whenever a public figure or someone in a traditionally 'straight' arena comes out we get the same reaction from various sections of society. We get the proud, supportive people congratulating the person on making, what must have been, a huge personal step. We also hear from a section of the gay community who simply don't see the big deal and greet the news with a shrug of the shoulders. We obviously and unfortunately still have to hear from the homophobic minority who turn the story into a trolling opportunity and a way of showcasing their vile opinions and attitudes towards gay people. But we also hear comments from a huge section of society who simply say, 'who cares?' 

It's 2013 right? Gay people are everywhere right? Who cares if a basketball player is gay? I tell you who cares; the millions of young people or older closeted gay, lesbian or bisexual people around the world who are still too scared to come out themselves.

I think to understand the gravity of Collins' announcement we have to think about this fact. Until Collins came out today there was NO OPENLY GAY ATHLETE IN A MAJOR US TEAM SPORT. Just think about that for a few seconds. Sport is part of US and global culture and therefore part of all of our lives in some way. And to think that until today the gay community was not represented in any way in major US sport is actually pretty unbelievable. To think that there is now only one gay athlete in a major US team sport is also pretty unbelievable. It's unbelievable because it isn't true. There are many gay athletes, both male and female in popular sport around the world but they do not feel able to let the world know. Why? Fear.

So when someone like Collins decides to take that step up on to the podium and stand in the spotlight, that will now undoubtedly shine on him, it IS a big deal. It's not a big deal because people need to know that gay people can play sport and it's not a big deal because people need to know that gay people can be really tall. It's important because it's a first and firsts are hugely important. 

Think back to 2009 when Barack Obama was sworn in as the first black President. It was a big deal. It was a big deal because it was a first and to dismiss that or not acknowledge it would have been ignorant. These firsts matter because they show progress. They give us a clear benchmark to assess where we are as a country, as a continent and as a world. 

The important thing around Collins' coming out isn't really his coming out, it's how it will be received by teammates, the NBA and US sports fans in general over the coming months. We all know that gay people can play basketball, we were not waiting for confirmation of that! What we were waiting for was for someone to be that 'first' person to stand up and be counted, alone, as one person. Collins might be feeling pretty lonely at the moment being the only openly gay US athlete in a major US team sport but he won't be lonely for long. 

The reason that it annoys me when people dismiss these coming outs as 'unimportant' or 'no big deal' is because they ARE important and they ARE a big deal to many millions of closeted people around the world. When you live your life in the closet you're almost like an undercover agent - constantly assessing the views about gay people from friends, family and colleagues. Listening for passive insults, outright homophobia or verbal acceptance of our sexual minorities. I knew I was gay at 15 but didn't come out until I was 21. I spent six years hiding who I was through fear of being rejected. I wouldn't have come out any sooner if there would have been an out gay basketball player but that's not the point. Closeted gay people will be watching the reaction that Collins gets after his announcement. They will be watching closely. It won't be the 'who cares?' or the 'what's the big deal?' comments that will stick in the minds of these people. It will be the vile homophobic ones and the messages of support. 

In the 11 years since I came out I've become comfortable with who I am and can look back on my closeted period with a huge sense of sadness. The fear I felt from the assumption that all my straight friends and family members hated gay people and would therefore hate me, turned out to be unfounded. 

Keeping quiet isn't good enough I'm afraid. Don't assume that everyone knows you have no issues with gay people. If you're straight, gay or bisexual and think that Jason Collins was brave when he shared something so personal with the world today then why not tell people? Change your Facebook status, send a Tweet, mention it to a friend. Take a step further and comment on a news article. There'll be plenty of anti-gay sentiments on there so why not offer a balance. Whatever you do, do something. You never know, someone that reads or hears what you say might just need it. Quiet acceptance isn't as powerful as proactive acknowledgement. We are judged on our actions and words and not on our opinions. 

Wayne Dhesi 
@WayneDavid81

If you are straight and would like to write and submit a message of support for our website then please email [email protected]

I can't quite believe that it's been a whole year since I uploaded the first coming out stories, emailed to me by my friends, to this website - there are now over 150 from all around the world! I first had the idea for RUComingOut after meeting J, a 17 year old boy, in my job as a youth worker. I had worked with him since he was 15 and I was the first person he came out to. I felt a huge amount of responsibility to him and wanted to make sure I gave him as much support as I could. 

I knew I was gay when I was about 15 I think, but didn't come out for another six years. During those years I felt pretty lost to be honest. I didn't feel I really belonged anywhere. I wasn't straight, I knew that, but I didn't consider myself as gay either because I wasn't out yet. I wanted to try and do all I could to help J to understand that he didn't need to be as scared as he was about telling people he was gay. I wrote down my experiences of coming out and gave them to J to read. I asked my friends if they could write their stories down and they did. 

Suddenly, and simply, J felt a little bit more comfortable with his future. He realised that he would have to tell people but that he was under no pressure to do it a particular way. More importantly, he realised that every happy, secure gay man or woman had to go through that difficult and often emotionally frought period to become who they are. 

The website was not the first concept for the project. The idea for a book that could be sent to colleges and school libraries came after a conversation with my friend Shelley. I took to Twitter and Facebook and the stories came flooding in. Once I realised that there were many more people willing to share their stories than I had expected, the website seemed like an obvious thing to do and so after a few lessons in web design from my friend Yog, RUComingOut.com was born in March 2012.

There are far too many people and organisations to thank but I have to mention attitude magazine who, as well as supporting the first birthday event which takes place next week, they got behind the project really early on. 

The feedback I have received and the comments I see underneath the stories on the site confirm that this project is helping people. I've always said that there is no rule book to coming out but if someone somewhere reads just one sentence in one story that they connect with, then there's a chance we've made a difference to their life.

I have big plans for RUComingOut and with your continued support I know that they will be realised. If you have any ideas, suggestions or want to write a feature for the website please get in touch with me. If you have lots of money and you're not sure what to do with it, then again, please contact me and maybe I can convince you to become a corporate sponsor for the site. 

I received an email this week and although I have taken the name of the send off, I would like to share it with you. I've changed the odd detail to protect the senders identity as he is still very much on his coming out journey.

Hi there, 

I just wanted to thank you. Since I sent you my story I have received a lot of support and really kind words from everyone. It filled me with new confidence and appreciation of myself (something I never thought I could do).

This website has helped me in ways I never thought possible and I truly believe it is the best resource for gay people on the Internet. Just sitting and reading other people's stories make me feel like I'm not alone in this world and that there is a huge community of people that are truly special in ways that they may not even realise.

We really have made a difference, so thank you!

Wayne X

Founder
@WayneDavid81

A few things crossed my mind when I watched Jodie Foster's speech at this year's Golden Globes where she was handed the Cecil B. Demille award for her career in film. The first thing that took me by surprise was that she is 50 years old; she's certainly looking good for it. I like Jodie Foster and I've always regarded her as somewhat underrated. I know she's been nominated for the best actress Oscar four times (winning twice) but still, her decision to shy away from the pull of the Hollywood celebrity lifestyle has in my eyes, resulted in her often being overlooked in debates about the best female acting talent. I guess she's my female William H. Macy (if we forgive his turn in Jurassic Park 3). For years now the gay rumour machine has been working overdrive when it comes to Foster's orientation, the general concensus being that she's gay but simply not comfortable talking about it in the public arena. And why should she have to?
 

In a recent interview with rucomingout, Scissor Sisters' front man Jake Shears said that, "gay celebrities at least have the responsibility to come out." When I published Shears' interview I was really interested to hear what other people though about that particular comment. The reaction was pretty mixed. Many people agreed that as role models to young (and older) lesbian, gay and bisexual people who may be looking for inspiration - actors, popstars, sportsmen and politicians shouldn't waste such an amazing opportunity to show that you don't have to settle for low aspirations just because you aren't straight. Other readers of the website had completely opposite views and suggested that Shears was irresponsible and insensitive in his comments. I have to say that I could kind of see both arguments.

Coming out means very different things to all of us. Some of us see it as making a statement, being proactive in standing up and saying proudly, "this is who I am and I am happy". Other people feel that as long as there's no outright denial of one's sexuality, a purposeful lie to hide possible embarassment, then that's also a job well done. I don't think that anyone has a duty to stand up and shout to the world about their sexual preference if they choose not to, however, I do feel that if you are at a point in your life where you are comfortable with who you are then you have a duty to yourself to feel able to talk about your sexuality in relevant situations without fear or shame. However, although we've come a long way in gay equality, this still isn't always easy to do whether you're famous or not.

I have always respected Jodie Foster for not bowing down to media and public pressure and talking about her private life in interviews where she is only required by contract to sell the film she's currently staring in. Does this make her less accessible to her fans? Yes, of course it does. Does it make her less of a role model? Of course not. People should not idolise Foster because she is a lesbian. Young girls (and boys) should look up to her and admire her work because she's an amazing talent. However, she isn't an amazing talent because she is a lesbian. Foster has a natural talent (she's been working since she was three years old) and a great work ethic. She is selective when it comes to choosing her films which can be seen in her relatively limited filmography. These are the reasons why she should be admired and looked up to.

The majority of young lesbian, gay and bisexual people who may be struggling with their sexuality in 2013 won't grow up to be Golden Globe winners. They will be shop workers, Doctors, lawyers, teachers, hairdressers, builders, office workers, travel agents, engineers, charity workers, volunteers. That's not to say that our future film stars, pop stars and Olympians aren't these same people struggling with their sexual identity, but the voices of inspiration they need to hear should come from everyone, not just someone who graces magazine covers around the world. Why should Foster, Shears, Cooper, De Generes and Thomas shoulder this responsibility simply because the career they chose happens to make them recognisable if you were to pass them in the street?

The reason I respect Foster is because she used her speech to defend her right to protect her and her family's privacy throughout her career. She hasn't kept quiet specifically about her sexuality all these years, she's simply not comfortable with the idea of laying her private life out in the public domain for all to pour over. Part of me felt sorry for her standing up there on that stage in front of her peers, her family and the rest of the world. She was being rewarded for her skills as an actress not for being a lesbian and yet she felt she had to at least refer to it. It may sound strange coming from the founder of a website that encourages people to share their coming out stories with others, but I kind of wish she hadn't have bowed down to that pressure after all. She didn't ask to be a lesbian and she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. The acknowledgment of her 'modern family' and reference to her long term (now ex) partner Cyd was enough for anyone still needing that confirmation that Foster is gay. This wasn't a coming out speech because as she said, she 'already did [her] coming out about a thousand years ago'.

What Foster has achieved with that speech however is to make people all over the world look at what coming out means today, in 2013. The day WILL come when people don't have to live in the closet because coming out won't be seen as a huge shock to people. That day isn't here yet though and we have a long way to go until it is. It's great when public figures stand up and talk about being gay but it's also great when those of us who don't act, sing or play sport as a living stand up and talk about our experiences (both positive and negative) of being gay.

I would love for Jodie Foster to one day write about her experiences of discovering her sexuality and her coming out, but only because I think it would be a really interesting read. If this never happens I'm not going to think anything less of her as an actress, human being or lesbian. Everyday heroes exist around us. Since this website started almost a year ago over 125 people have written and shared their coming out stories with the world with the soul purpose of trying to make other people, who may be going through what they did, feel hopeful about their futures. I'd ask any gay, lesbian or bisexual person who has criticised Foster for being so tight-lipped over the years over her sexual preference to do the very thing they are criticising her for not doing. My email address is [email protected]. If you write and send me your coming out story I will publish it and it will help people. Whether or not you choose to do so is your decision and one that no one else has the right to judge you for.


Wayne Dhesi 
Founder of rucomingout.com
@WayneDavid81
@rucomingout

"Queers. Because I'm queer.  I'm gay.  I'm homosexual.  I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce.  I'm a bumboy, baddieboy, backside artist, bugger.  I'm bent. I am that arsebandit.  I lift those shirts.  I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener.  I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom.  I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks..."

                                                            ...Stuart Jones in Queer as Folk (Russell T Davis/Red Productions/ 2000)


He tackles the negatives head on in a scene that, despite being 12 years old, is still as powerful now as it was then.  I was called 'Lemon' throughout my high school years.  I have been called poof, lezzer and dyke since coming out.  At the time, I laughed off the comments as I recognised the idiocy and the sad lives of the people saying them.  That doesn't mean they didn't hurt.  My name is not lemon, not puff, not lezzer, not dyke, it's Clare. The easiest way for someone to express their homophobia is to call someone a derogatory name.  It may be lazy but it is a rather effective weapon in belittling someone. 

I have a question.  Has the word Queer been reclaimed as a positive word to represent LGBT interest?

I have never really had cause to think about this until recently.  I have spent the last few months in the Czech Republic and while searching the internet for suggestions of things to see and do in Prague I came across a website called www.praguewelcome.com which is 'Prague's official tourist portal'.  My first instinct was to browse the gay pages.  I was taken aback when I saw that the gay section was headlined 'Queer'.  Queer activities, Queer community, queer, queer, queer.  My first and what I assumed was my natural instinct was to be insulted.  Queer is a homophobic term surely?  I was outraged but then I started to think about it a bit more logically There is a bar on Manchester's Canal Street called Queer. I have referred to myself as Queer. I have friends who use the term Queer instead of Gay.  Peter Tatchell hashtags #Queer in his posts.  Is Prague's tourist portal actually more modern and relevant than I give them credit for? Is Queer the accepted translation for homosexuality in the Czech Republic? Have I become Mary Whitehouse in my prudishness?

I emailed praguewelcome.com asking them why they chose the word Queer for their subtitle?  I got a response confirming what I was dreading.  I really have become old and behind the times!  It was actually a brilliant email. They told me that Queer was recommended by the Czech Gay and Lesbian Society in Prague as it is an 'umbrella term' for sexual and gender minorities used all over Europe.  They even signposted me to the website for the Czech Gay and Lesbian film festival which was taking place at the time.  It's actually called the Mezipatra Queer Film Festival.  

So my initial reaction of insult and anger has now turned into pride (and slight embarrassment).  A nation that still plays Chumbawamba on their airwaves has taught me a valuable lesson in being more willing to question my opinions.  I now believe it is possible to successfully reclaim a word that has previously been used to inflict so much distress and pain.  Still, if I ever hear Ann Widdecombe say Queer I will still take it as an insult!

How do you feel when you hear the word Queer?  Do you think that it is possible for groups to reclaim words that have previously been used to insult them?  Is language even important?

I'd love to hear your comments.  Please use the comments facility which you will find below.

Follow me on Twitter - @Klaramoranova


If you wanted to revisit the amazing Queer As Folk you can buy the DVDs here on Amazon.

Last night I watched a documentary on the British channel BBC Three about the controversial subject of Gay Conversion Therapy. The programme caused an outpouring of anger, frustration and above all disagreement amongst gay, lesbian and bisexual people on Twitter, Facebook and other social media. I was angry. I was frustrated. However, I found myself beginning to finally understand the concept of GCT. I've always thought that the idea was to 'switch off' someone's sexuality and for people who were going through the process to 'learn' how to fancy the opposite sex. I was wrong.

We were shown a 17 year old boy who had same sex attractions. In other words he was gay. By the end of the show we were shown that he was now in a relationship with a girl. Success! Well, not really. The boy admitted that he still had same sex attractions (in other words he was still gay) but he simply chose not to act upon them. So there we have it! It's pretty simple. Any sane person, gay or straight, understands that you can't switch off sexuality. I don't think Gay Conversion Therapy is about this though, it seems to be about choosing not to act on that attraction to the same sex. This opens up a whole new argument, an argument that I've thought about for over 10 years.

I came out when I was 21 but I knew I was gay when I was 15. During the years between 15 and 21 I guess you could say I carried out my own Gay Conversion Therapy and I'd bet that I wasn't in the minority. I tried to convince myself that I could hide my sexuality. I tried to ignore the fact that I fancied men and I forced myself to imagine how much easier my life would be if I was straight. It WOULD be easier. I would not have to come out to anyone, I would be able to have kids the 'natural' way and I wouldn't have to disappoint anyone. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that I wasn't the only closeted person to go through these thought processes. Now here's the difference between me and the 17 year old we met on 'Gay to Straight' last night. I decided that being gay wasn't wrong. I began to accept that I was different but not ill. I told myself that I didn't have a 'condition' and therefore it couldn't and shouldn't be treated. I understood that for whatever reason I was not like the majority of the population who found the opposite sex attractive. I knew that my life would be more complicated than my straight friends' in regards to relationships, at least for the first part of my adult life anyway.

The reason I say that I began to understand what Gay Conversion Therapy is while watching the programme is because I finally saw through the false science, made up statistics and 'success' stories that we are often presented with when we see programmes on this subject. I saw through all of this and was presented with a homophobic father who did not want his son to be gay because he thought it was disgusting. "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve", he said with an air of arrogance that his wife seemed to gush over. This is when everything clicked into place and things became a lot clearer to me. Of course it's impossible to switch of someone's same sex attraction and surely, that's what makes someone gay (or bi). Of course we should all be angry and frustrated at the programme but what people seemed to miss was the reasons why these men had enrolled onto the course of therapy. They enrolled because they were scared of disappointing their families and friends who were very vocal about their dislike of homosexuality.

This is what GCT is all about. Forget the group hugging in the forests, the manly embraces that were allowed as long as you said you were not getting any sexual pleasure from it and forget the ludicrous claim made by an 'expert' that no gay man has ever had an emotionally healthy relationship with their father. All of that is obviously complete crap and serves simply as a smokescreen to cover up the rampant ignorance to homosexuality that still exists in many parts of the world.

So I do now understand what Gay Conversion Therapy is all about. It's a form of abuse that parents (not necessarily homophobic parents, but stupid at least, selfish for sure) inflict on their children because of their own selfish beliefs.

I know that people take part in these camps and schools of their own free will but here's the question that the programme failed to even ask - Why do so many gay men and women around the world NOT feel the need to convert? I'd suggest that it's because they have more supportive and understanding families, live in more forward thinking communities or simply have been allowed to come to their own conclusion that being attracted to the same sex is not wrong.

I get that two men can't conceive children naturally and without procreation the human race would in theory eventually cease to exist. But what does this really mean? Some men and women cannot have children, some men and women choose not to have children. We don't send them to Conversion Therapy where they learn how to hate themsleves do we? Of course not, that would be just as ridiculous as sending a 17 year old gay man to a camp where they take their shirts off and play catch with other gay men.

I understand Gay Conversion Therapy now. I understand that I do not need to frustrate myself by even bothering to argue with the false data and fake science. I understand that I should empathise more with the boys and girls, men and women who are sent to these groups or who are made to feel it's their only option. I understand that as a society we still have years to go before we can say that we're truly civilised. I also understand that until every parent everywhere not necessarily agrees with being gay but at least respects their children's right to embrace it, there will be more teen suicides, more cases of self harm and more miserable teenagers growing up in a world that doesn't allow them to live, but simply exist.

I finally understand it - but I still don't like it.

Follow me on Twitter - @waynedavid81
Follow rucomingout - @rucomingout

In the Sunday Times last weekend, gay Hollywood actor Rupert Everett said that he, "...couldn't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads." Now I just want to say now that this blog entry isn't going to be concerned with trying to pointlessly destroy Everett's character or beating down his comment with aggressive gay defense talk. However, Everett's comments did bring the debate about gay parenting back into the public sphere again and so I thought it would give me the ideal opportunity to stick my oar in! So here goes.

An important thing to note is that Everett wasn't misquoted. He went on TV to defend his views this week where he said, "I’m not against anybody doing anything. I think the reason that’s great about living in England, is we can do more or less what we want. Just I, personally, feel like that. But it doesn’t mean to say,…I have lots of gay friends with children, I have lots of gay friends who have got married, I’ve been to lots of gay weddings, but I’m not big into marriage straight or gay to be honest."

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and as I said earlier, this blog isn't really about Everett, it's about his view; a view that is shared by many people around the world. A view, that for many reasons, I feel is ignorant and quite offensive to gay parents and children of gay parents.

In 2011 the number of children in care in England increased from 64,400 to 65,520 from the previous year. The majority of these children were living with foster parents, but almost 8,000 were in some kind of residential care. Now I'm not sure if you're shocked by those figures or not. I can't really say what my guess would have been before seeing those numbers to be honest but whichever way you look at it, it's pretty clear to me that there are a lot of children in England (and throughout the rest of the world) who are growing up outside of a loving home with a family who take care of them, love them, ecourage them and ultimately shape their futures.

There are various reasons why children are taken into care, but shockingly out of those 65,520 children who were living in care during 2011 in England, 40,410 were doing so because of family neglect or abuse in their family home. A further 8,930 were in care due to 'family dysfunction'. I couldn't find figures that broke down how many of these families were headed by gay parents but my assumption (and I'm open to discussion about this) is that most of them didn't. I base that assumption on the sheer number of 'traditional' families with straight parents than those with gay parents. I guess it doesn't really matter, my point isn't that straight parents are worse than gay parents, that would be ridiculous. My point is that there are many parents who for whatever reason, are unable to care for their own children, so much so that a huge amount are removed from the family home and placed in care homes and residential units.

I have friends, a couple who adopted their daughter and they do a great job looking after her, loving her and showing her right from wrong. It took them two and a half years from their first communication with the adoption agency to the point at which they were given custody of their daughter and this time was filled with interviews, observations and judgements being made as to whether they would make good parents. They obviously passed the relevant tests and it was decided that they were suitable to take care of a child. My friends are a straight couple by the way. No one could disagree that this little girl is better off in their care, growing up in a loving and caring home. So then, what if my friends were gay? What if they were two men? Again, I suggest that the little girl's home with her two dads would be a much more stable environment for her to grow up in rather than a care home. "But she won't have a mum", some people will say. "The poor thing will get bullied at school", others will claim. 

The fact of the matter is that the little girl, if adopted by two gay men who were in a loving, stable relationship, who had passed all the same tests as any couple going through the process, would be growing up in a safe, nuturing home rather than an under-funded, resource-stretched care home with no mother OR father figure to speak of. As for the bullying at school issue - children get bullied for having the wrong trainers, it doesn't mean we should ban cheap brands of footwear does it? In my experience as a youth worker, schools want to do their best to stamp out any kind of bullying and so the reason for the bullying is not really important. We can't deny a child a loving home just in case some of their classmates may have an issue with it years down ther line.

I would hope that the majority of you would agree that a child placed in a loving home with gay parents would be emotionally better off than if they were to be raised in the care system. If you don't then I'm happy to hear your argument. There's a comments box underneath for a reason! However, this brings me on to the crux of the entire debate I guess - Is having gay parents worse than having both a mum and a dad? The answer? It depends on the parents. It's as simple as that. I could use the argument that most gay dads or gay mums who have kids would have made the conscious decision to do so which would suggest that the child would be wanted. But it's not always the case that unwanted pregnancies in straight couples produce unloved children. I could use the argument that in my job I've met some truly awful mothers and fathers who beat their kids, abuse them and show not an ounce of love towards them; straight mothers and fathers. But we know these parents exist. I could start talking about children who grow up in single parent families without a mum or dad and play devil's advocate in suggesting that these children will somehow grow up damaged due to having an absent parent. I find this suggestion offensive. I know many single parents who make it their life's goal to give their kids a good life and the lack of a second parent does nothing to shake that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people who share Rupert Everett's view that children being brought up in families with same sex parents are somehow predisposed to a less enriching life than those in a 'traditional' family, should stop and consider what it is their suggesting. 

In an ideal world Dad wouldn't take heroin in front of his kids. 
In an ideal world Mum wouldn't be an alcoholic and forget to pick her kids up from school.
In an ideal world Dad wouldn't beat the crap out of Mum with the kids listening from upstairs.
In an ideal world Dad wouldn't have an affair and leave Mum to raise their kids on her own.
In an ideal world Mum wouldn't die of cancer leaving dad to raise his three young daughters.

We don't live in an ideal world Rupert, we live in the real world where bad shit happens. Having both a mother and a father isn't a magical recipe for a golden childhood, it can be, but that's dependant on the quality of the parenting, the love they have for their children and the relationships they work on forging with their children.

Parents should be judged on their parenting not on their sexuality. Kids are tougher than we give them credit for sometimes but one thing I'm certain of - I'd much rather have two dads who wanted me, loved me and worked two and half years to prove to some strangers they could care for me, than a mum and a dad whose lives I was simply a part of.

Wayne Dhesi
Founder of RUCOMINGOUT


Figures taken from http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-15091270

Read about Rupert Everett's comments on gaystarnews http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/rupert-everett-defends-controversial-comments-gay-parents190912




 







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I think I’m going to find this blog entry really easy to write – the reason I say that is because I know exactly what I want to say and for the first time, I’m not really too bothered if I offend anyone in the process. I guess I'm fed up of trying to be diplomatic, not wanting to offend the groups who seem to take sick, twisted pleasure in insulting people who just happen to be different to themselves.  That may sound slightly arrogant but do you know what, I don’t care! Since I launched rucomingout four months ago, I have been so careful not to upset anyone with my views on gay and lesbian lifestyles, not wanting to sound like a ‘militant homosexual’ as I have been called before, and definitely not wanting people to think I’m a straight-hating, narrow-minded gay-obsessive. I’m none of those things.

I went to World Pride 2012 last weekend which this year was held in London. Now, I’m sure we all know about the controversy surrounding the plans for the event and the scaling back of certain aspects. My opinion? Not really that important to me. Pride is about the people, always has been and always will be. We don’t need a big name DJ, well-known popstar or Hollywood actor to create a sense of occasion, WE ARE THE OCCASION!!!

That could just mean that you speak to people from a different city, people with different jobs, of different generations or people dressed as characters from Alice in Wonderland. I met an amazing man who must have been in his 70s who had made friends with a couple of guys in their late 20s or early 30s. Their differences were overshadowed by their commonalities. They were all gay and could relate to the struggles that each of them had faced at some point in their lives. This commonality united them but didn’t define them. They laughed, joked, introduced one another to strangers they had just met and posed for photographs. This is why Pride is beautiful and this is why Pride is still needed in 2012.

I hate to judge and to make assumptions; I always base my opinions on what I know, things I’ve witnessed or experienced and try and always make balanced statements. Take a look at the picture I’ve posted here of the older gent holding the sign and his new friend:

Now I want you to be honest, completely honest with yourself. If you saw these guys standing in the middle of a Wetherspoons pub in the middle of a small town or city on a normal Saturday evening would people around them make them feel uncomfortable? Ok, so imagine our friend wasn’t holding the sign. What now? So he might not have a sign proclaiming his sexuality but he might still want to embrace his new friend, talk loudly about gay culture and not want to hide away who he is just in case he ‘offended’ anyone. His new friend may still wish to wear his bright red cravat or his rainbow flag decoration - what now? I’m being honest with myself now. I’m basing my opinion on what I have witnessed or experienced and will try and make a balanced statement. In a huge proportion of straight bars, rather than at a Pride event, in this situation, these men would have to deal with strange looks, snide comments, possible verbal abuse and maybe, just maybe direct insults. Do you agree? Maybe you don’t; maybe you think I’m over reacting and being dramatic. As I said, I’m basing what I feel on what I have experienced and what I feel makes me sad. It makes me sad that people could judge others on the basis that they are different to themselves. How many gay couples do you see kissing or holding hands in straight pubs and bars? How many straight couples? Why? Homophobia isn't just about gay people being beaten up or gay school children being bullied, it's the realtively common but rarely acknowledged homophobia like I've mentioned which I feel has to be challenged - but that's for another blog. I know I alter my behaviour or lower my voice in certain situations in case I bring attention to the fact I'm gay, and I'm ashamed that I do that. Maybe I'm scared of offending, maybe I'm scared I'll be beaten up, I'm not sure. But as I said, that's a whole new blog entry in itself: Gays - Know Your Place!

Anyway, this is why I love Pride. I love Pride because that ‘difference’, the reaction to which very often is the cause of such violence and abhorrent behaviour in our world, is not just acknowledged as good but is celebrated.

Some of you may be aware of a guy who has made it his goal to try and sabotage this project and website. Before Pride this weekend this guy posted tweets saying that he hoped God would wash away the homosexuals at World Pride and that being gay is wrong. I’m not allowed to post those tweets here because I’m breaking copyright laws and this website could be removed. This guy angers me, annoys me and makes me worry. This guy has children and he makes no effort to hide the fact that he is conditioning them to hate gays and lesbians as much as he does. I want to say now that I know many Christians who do not share this guy’s views that God hates gay people. I wouldn’t offend them by associating them with this guy purely based on the fact that they all share a belief in God. I know that’s pretty obvious but in my opinion, if God does exist (yes, I am not 100% sure!) I’m pretty sure that he would find this guy’s behaviour disgusting and very un-Christian like.

I met up with some new friends that I haven’t spent a huge amount of time with before last weekend but who I know I like, respect and will make my life richer by having them in it. I don’t become friends with people because they are gay. I don’t refuse to talk to people who are straight. I surround myself with people who are good, people who can make me laugh and people who are nice. James and Kenny are such people. I have only met them once before this weekend. They’re funny, they’re caring and they’re welcoming. They’re also married, to each other. James and Kenny are brilliant. Not because they are gay, but because of the qualities they have and the positive energy they spread. I had an amazing time talking to them both in Circa Bar just off Soho Square. They introduced me to their friends (gay and straight) who were also lovely. They asked me questions about this website, gave me advice and encouragement, made me feel welcome and were a huge reason why I had such a great afternoon. James text me yesterday to tell me that he had been contacted to be told that he is a successful blood match with a patient who requires a bone marrow transplant. James doesn’t know this person; he and Kenny decided to put themselves on the donor register two years ago because they knew that by doing so they could potentially save someone’s life.

The guy who is determined to close this site down, the one who tweets hateful comments about gays and lesbians, the guy who claims that no matter how many good things you do in your life because you are still evil and will burn in hell if you are gay – this guy is a prick. I’ve been told my many people that I shouldn’t bring myself to his level but I’m not really too concerned about that. I know that I am a good person and I know that I try and live a decent life, helping people along the way and I’m sure that God would respect that and forgive the odd slip up like calling someone a prick. I don't know if the guy who hates gays is on the bone marrow transplant register, it isn't really important, but what I do know is that he wouldn't acknowledge James and Kenny's amazing gesture because they are gay. That's a pretty prick-ish way of thinking in my opinion.

I’d happily change my mind about this guy being a prick if he could show me why I should but I’m not holding out much hope of that. My new friends James and Kenny aren’t pricks – they’re amazing.

Pride was amazing. It’s not a reflection of what living life as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual person is like; it’s an extreme, in your face, over the top, exaggerated celebration of difference.

I’ve always had a bit of an issue with the term 'Pride'. I personally feel that you can only really be proud of something that you have had some input into. I know that not everyone will share that view and I respect that. But I wouldn’t say that I’m necessarily proud to be gay – I can’t take the credit for that, it just happened! However, I am proud of how I dealt with the challenge of being gay after I realised I was. I'm also proud to be me and of the choices I make in life. I’m proud of my friends, the old ones, the new ones and the ones I have yet to meet.

So for me, World Pride 2012 was much more than an excuse for a party, more than an opportunity to wave a flag. It was about me realising that I surround myself with people who are nicer than the guy who hates gays and our website. People can hide behind God or their beliefs about what is natural or normal but that means nothing, absolutely nothing. When it comes down to it I think it's all about one question:

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Until next time, I hope you continue to enjoy the stories and the site and remember . . . don't be a prick, be nice!

Wayne

See our World Pride 2012 - London photo gallery here

@waynedavid81 - on thee olde Twitter
facebook.com/rucomingout - on the book of face
[email protected] - write to me without having to buy a stamp

Find out more about bone marrow donation here

Sometime last year my friend Wayne said that he wanted to write a book about 'coming out' to help people who were in that stage of recognising their sexuality. He asked me if I was willing to submit my story of how I realised I was gay. His hope was to show people that being openly gay was not a death sentence but a relief of stress and increased confidence. After hearing the story about the scary misconceptions from one of his clients I was on board with his project so I began writing my 'story'.



Wayne was a big part of me coming out. We met 13 years ago at university. We studied the same subjects and lived together for two years. Both of us knew we were gay but neither was comfortable embracing those feelings. It wasn't until a few years after we graduated that Wayne came out. In doing so he gave me the confidence to do the same. We shared a number of mutual friends and seeing them embrace Wayne showed me that the same would happen to me. And it did. Fear really is a bitch!!!!

It's crazy what you push to the back of your memory. When reliving my coming out years I found emotions I didn't expect to experience again. However you can't beat the feeling of pride of overcoming the darkness. And then of course comes the embarrassment of having so many misconceptions and letting fear win for so many years. So I wrote my story and emailed it to Wayne. A short time afterwards I received an email saying that the project was going viral. I thought that this was great as going online would open up the project to a wider audience. Then I looked at the other recipients of the message... they were all male. I can't say I'm a feminist or a campaigner for LGBT rights or anything. I've only really attended one gay pride and that was really just to have a good time rather than celebrate my sexuality. I'm not overtly gay and I've never wanted to vocalise my sexuality as I never want to make others feel uncomfortable. However, this one email seemed to change all that.

I would never had wasted a month dragging up those emotions and tears of my coming out if I had known it was a gay man venture. Not only that but I thought that it was a great idea for a site and thought that it would be a shame if women were left out. I mean lesbians have a voice too. So I emailed Wayne regarding the situation. He had no intention of making it a male endeavour but as all of his contacts were male well this was where it was going. There was no point letting my blood boil and not do anything about it. So I asked Wayne if I could get involved by gaining lesbian contributions and being the kind hearted, everyone loving man he is welcomed my help.

I'd like to think that rucomingout is not a site about men or women. It's about us gays as a whole; not forgetting Bi-Sexuals of course. I like to think that it is challenges misconceptions not just from the straight world but between us as well. Bit of controversy here but instead of gay or lesbian, I think it would be great to just call us all gay; happy and bright. After all we're all part of the same collective who can't get 'married'. On a wider note, at some point in the future I'd love to be referred to as 'our friend Clare' instead of the current sentence 'our lesbian friend Clare'.

Feel free to contact me anytime about musicals, Elaine Paige, Czech tennis players between 1987 and 2002 and tea.

Clare x

Drop me an email - [email protected]

Follow me on Twitter - @klaramoranova

Today I was asked to contribute a short piece of writing about my feelings on gay marriage or 'marriage equality' as I would rather call it.  It took me a few false starts before I found my flow and I soon realised that this was because I was thinking about my argument far too much. It's actually pretty simple. 

Here's what I wrote:

I've been to two weddings this year and I will have been to another two before 2012 is out.  That's what happens when you hit 30; all of your friends get married!

I'm not married but I do have a boyfriend of three years. Do I want to get married? Not at the moment, no. Do I want to have the option to get married one day?  Of course I do. Who wouldn't want to have the option? At the moment in this country I am not able to get married.  I can however have a civil partnership. The entire debate surounding 'gay marriage' is one of definition. Some religious groups are fighting to protect the term marriage to mean a  union of a man and a woman.  They claim to 'own' the term and suggest that altering it's definition to include same sex couples would basically undo years of tradition and simply cannot happen.  I disagree. Straight couples who do not wish to marry in a religious ceremony can have a civil marriage.  Gay couples can have a similar ceremony however it is not to be called a civil marriage but a civil union or civil partnership.  Why the difference?

The philosopher Confucius was born in ancient China in 551BC.  His definition of marriage goes like this, 'Marriage is the union of two different surnames, in friendship and in love, in order to continue the posterity of the former sages, and to furnish those who shall preside at the sacrifices to heaven and earth, at those in the ancestral temple, and at those at the altars to the spirits of the land and grain.'

Over half a century before the birth of Jesus, we see a definition of marriage with a clear absence of genders. I'd prefer to refer to this definition of marriage if that's ok.  There is no mention of God but of a spirituality and repsect for our land. 

The Church did such a good job in claiming marriage as their own and shaping it to fit their own values and agendas that as a society we have come to believe that the word itself is steeped in religion, when it simply isn't.

Many people argue that gay people are being awkward and simply stoking the fires.  After all, we can get civil patnered which gives us the same legal rights as straight married couples so why the persistance? The point is this. Just because I don't want to get married now, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to. The word 'marriage' does not belong to anyone, just look in the history books.  Times change and so do mankind's attitudes and just because some things are traditional it does not mean that they should not change over time.  It used to be traditional to drown women accused of witchcraft; it isn't now because that's ridiculous.

There are many arguments against gay marriage, none of which have any real substance. If indeed marriage is just a word, then allow us, the gays and lesbians of the UK, to use it too. No one likes being left out do they?

"Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself"*

*(Sound familiar? Well that was also Confucius by the way)