I turned 32 a couple of months ago. I've been out for 11 years now and with each year I become more and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not ashamed to be gay, in fact I'm happy to be gay. I've always said to my straight friends that being gay is no different to being straight and that the only difference is that gay people fancy people of the same sex while straight people go for the opposite sex. This week I realised I was wrong. Being gay is very different to being straight. 

Since coming out I've had seven different jobs (I wasn't sacked from any before you start jumping to conclusions - I'm just ambitious!) and in each one I experienced the expected nerves at interview, not wanting to seem too annoyingly keen or too laid back. I went through the awkward first day in each job, instantly forgetting everyone's name as soon as it left their mouths, not certain how to answer the phone and never too sure how many cups of tea was deemed reasonable to drink in one day. Everyone experiences these cringey but unavoidable things in their new job though so you just ride it out and deal with it, becoming more and more comfortable each week and praying for another new starter so you're no longer the newest employee.

In each one of the seven jobs I've had since coming out I've experienced something far more anxiety-inducing than forgetting someone's name. It's often said that you never really stop coming out and that's definitely true in the place of work and in each new job I've had since coming out I've had various levels of anxiety around the fact I'm gay. I dreaded the inevitable question that would no doubt come in week one, maybe week two if my new colleagues weren't overtly nosy! "So have you got a girlfriend Wayne?"

When I look back on each of the jobs I've had since I started to identify as gay I can honestly say that not one of my bosses ever made me feel uncomfortable about my sexuality before or after they knew I wasn't straight. The fear I had about having to answer that question and to come out at work was partly due to my lack of confidence in myself and partly due to the fact I prejudged my colleagues - something I am quite embarrassed and ashamed of in hindsight. 

No matter how cool each set of colleagues was about me being gay (and I've never experienced any hostility or homophobia in any job) it made absolutely no difference to how I felt when moving on to a new place of work with new people. The areas I have worked in (retail, private training, healthcare) are not overtly masculine arenas, in fact you could argue that they each have a fair representation of gay people - it's not as if I've been a premiership footballer or worked on an oil rig. When I look back at how I felt going in to each job I feel guilty. I feel guilty that without meeting the people I was to work with I had made assumptions that at least some of them would be uncomfortable with me being gay and in turn that would affect their attitude towards me. I guess it was the fear of being disliked for something I couldn't help.

I've always been aware that I possessed this somewhat irrational and somewhat logical fear - logical in the sense that as human beings we are programmed to protect ourselves from harm, whether it's physical or emotional. But it didn't matter how much I tried to talk myself out of expecting some kind of workplace homophobia, I always felt sick with anxiety about meeting new colleagues, especially straight males - after all, they'd all assume I fancied them and would not want to talk to me right? Such a strange view for me to have as I became good friends with many colleagues, including straight males, many of which became and remain friends.

I've thought about what each workplace could have done differently to make me feel more at ease when I started working with them; not that I'm blaming any of them for the fear and anxiety I felt, but employers do have a responsibility to make sure all of their staff feel comfortable at work. I've thought about what they could have done but I've always struggled to come up with anything - until now.

Last week I started working with Stonewall, the biggest British charity working for the rights of gay, lesbian and bisexual people. Contrary to popular belief not everyone who works at Stonewall is gay, lesbian or bisexual. About 75% are but the difference between starting work at Stonewall and any of my previous employers is that no one makes assumptions about your sexuality either way. Again, I'm not trying to criticise any employer that I have worked for previously, after all, most people are straight so an assumption that a new employee will also be straight will very often be proven right. The people who interviewed me for my job at Stonewall knew I was gay because I wrote about my coming out experiences and the RUComingOut website in my application so when I started on my first day I knew I didn't need to worry about them asking the girlfriend question. But what about my other new colleagues? Well none of them assumed anything about me. Some asked me if I had a partner during after work drinks but not one of them made an assumption about my sexuality, well not in a question directed right at me anyway! 

So here's what I've learned in the last week. When straight (and gay) people assume everyone else is straight, it isn't meant as a form of oppression, a way of marginalising gay people, but it can inadvertently cause that. My previous employers weren't homophobic, they didn't set out to make me feel awkward or to worry. So what can employers do to make gay, lesbian and bisexual people feel more comfortable when starting work with them? Well they can do what Stonewall do - make no assumptions. Managers and staff need the right training to enable them to make staff feel welcome whatever their orientation. 

"So Wayne, have you got a partner?"

One word changes. What's in a word? Girlfriend, partner, does it matter? Yes. To me it would have mattered. In that simple change of one word, the acknowledgement that I may be gay and that the person asking was cool with that, I would have felt more comfortable. I always knew I had issues with coming out (and to some extent being out) at work but never to the extent that I now know I did.

Some people reading this might not really see the point in what I'm saying. I spoke to my new housemate who has always worked in London and he told me that he has never felt that anxiety about starting a new job. He's gay. He says that he's always worked with other gay people and that it's never been an issue for him. But not everyone works in London, or New York, or Sydney. When I came out at 21 my boss was gay and I think seeing someone in a position of authority whom everyone seemed to like made me feel hopeful that things might not be so bad if I came out. He definitely inspired me to take that step and I often wonder if I'd still be in the closet if he hadn't been my boss! You spend so much time at work it really does affect who you are and how you live your life - more than I ever thought it did. In the seven jobs I've had since then and previous to my role at Stonewall I have never worked with another gay, lesbian or bisexual colleague in my team. Well, not an out gay, lesbian or bisexual anyway. No wonder I had so many anxieties about coming out at work. In my experiences at work I was an anomaly, a minority. 


In my new job I'm just me.


Wayne Dhesi
@WayneDavid81


For more on coming out at work read this feature by the BBC's Simon Wright

It's often referred to as one of the last gay taboos in Britain - an out gay professional footballer. But why does a large proportion of the gay (and straight) media, as well as a large section of society in general, seem to be obsessed with the prospect of an out pro footballer? Why do some of us think that having an out and proud gay or bisexual footballer matters?

Many of us will already know the story of Justin Fashanu. As Britain's first £1million black footballer he had the sporting world at his feet when he transferred to Nottingham Forest in 1981. Fashanu didn't come out publicly until 1990 but his sexuality was no secret to those who knew him, including his manager at Nottingham Forest Brian Clough. In his biography Clough recounted a particularly frustrated exchanged he had with the player soon after his transfer to Forest:

It's not obvious from Clough's telling of the exchange whether or not he held particularly strong views about homosexuality but what is apparent is that whatever his views on being gay were, he wasn't making it particularly easy for Fashanu to come out. Of course this was over 20 years ago and indeed Fashanu did not come out for another nine years, after being approached by The Sun newspaper. It's not clear whether the stresses of hiding his sexuality affected his playing abilities, but the fact that Clough barred Fashanu from training with the side once he found out he was gay gives us a fair idea that it might have played a role. Common sense would suggest that someone who can be themselves at work without fear of rejection or abuse would be happier and more productive.

Last September Clarke Carlise, the Chairman of the Professional Footballer's Association and a Northampton Town defender, told a sport's magazine that he had spoken to eight gay professional footballers who told him they were afraid to come out. Seven of the eight players cited a fear of fan and media backlash as one of the reasons they had chosen to only come out to those close to them and not in public. It's impossible to say whether or not there were any closeted gay players when Justin Fashanu came out but knowing that there are at least eight now may suggest that rather than following society's progressive attitude towards diversity and inclusion, football has actually taken steps backwards.

Chris is a self-confessed football fanatic. As well as playing for gay-friendly team Nottingham Ball Bois twice a week he also attends matches at both Nottingham and Derby with gay friends. Chris thinks that we do need out gay players but the clubs need to do more to impose FA regulations. "Some people seem to think going to a football game means they can leave any decency they have at the gates and scream whatever they like at the opposing team", he says.  "The clubs are getting better at imposing the FA regulations but often abuse is just ignored. Racial abuse has had to be dealt with; players can't hide the colour of their skin. If some players were openly gay the clubs would have to act in the same way when homophobic abuse occurs."

One of the biggest factors that make the whole idea of an out gay footballer in 2013 so interesting is the unknown reaction that person would receive - from fans, team mates and the media. There's no question that society has moved on in its acceptance of  gay people since Justin Fashanu was 'encouraged' to come out by The Sun newspaper but how big has that movement in Britain really been? Being gay is still seen as a subject worthy of a tabloid story, gay teens are still committing suicide because they are getting bullied at school and marriage equality is only now being debated. Are we just foolish to think that a sport that still has to encourage clubs to combat racist abuse from fans will welcome a gay player with applause and a pat on the back? 

No matter how positive the reaction from fans will be when a player does take that brave step, it's naive to think that verbal abuse, of any nature, will be completely eradicated from the sport. All players face taunts and insults - for being black, for missing penalties or for simply being unpopular. There has to be a certain amount of 'taking it on the chin' and to think otherwise would be too idealistic. We all remember what we were told at school about name calling - sticks and stones make break my bones but words will never hurt me. But when that name calling crosses the line and becomes damaging then something has to be done. When fans shout to David Beckham that they hope his kids get cancer then something has to be done. When fans throw bananas on the pitch at black players then something has to be done. Footballers are employees of the club they are playing for and in any other job we would look to our employees to provide us with a safe working environment. The FA can't second guess the reaction to gay footballers but they can be proactive in setting up their stall now. 

The Football v Homophobia campaign is 'an international initiative opposing homophobia in football at all levels - from grassroots to professional clubs.' This year the campaign aimed to recruit as many teams (league and non-league) as possible, asking them to pledge their support for tackling homophobia in football. The scheme is heavily supported by the FA on their official website and yet three months after the campaign started only 55 teams have so far signed up. Some of the biggest teams in the country do not yet appear on the '150 Leaderboard' - you can see who has made the pledge and who hasn't by visiting the FA's website.

I find it disappointing that so many top flight clubs have yet to make their position known on homophobia in football. Surely it's a no-brainer; they should all be against it. They shouldn't even need to sign a pledge stating their position, but the fact that there is one and they haven't speaks volumes. Campaigns like Football v Homophobia are so important because they shine the spotlight on clubs and highlight the attitudes that exist with the culture of football at all levels. I think that supporters' associations have the same duty to stand up against homophobia (and racism in sport) and until we see a widespread climate of support it would be pretty naive to think that a player would ever feel comfortable coming out - and who could blame them?

Chris believes that we all have a responsibility to create a more inclusive game and that it's not just up to the FA. "Some people will say that those who shout insults aren't really football fans but will still sit by and allow them to keep chanting vile things without reporting them. It seems bizarre that in almost any other sport it doesn't seem to be an issue. We have openly gay athletes, rugby players and boxers."

The question of who should shoulder the responsibility is an interesting one. The clubs, the FA, the players, the fans and the government all have a part to play but it's impossible for things to change unless everyone is on board.

When we look at the political changes that have come about in regards to gay equality (equal age of consent, section 28 being abolished) it's easy to applaud our forward thinking nation but these changes in law do not always make the transition into everyday life and communities so smoothly or as timely.

When American soccer star Robbie Rogers (left) came out while at the same time retiring from the sport in 2013, he stated that it would be "impossible" for a footballer to come out and continue to play. 

The big question is whether or not we actually 'need' a footballer to come out. There's no doubt that taking that step is a very personal one and I think it would be wrong to pressure anyone to come out for any other reason than it being the right thing for them. However, this doesn't mean that I think society (and the gay community in particular) would not benefit. Of course they would. We know the old fashioned belief that gay people can't and don't wish to play sport is complete rubbish, but what we don't know is how many gay people play particular sports at a professional level. My point isn't that there should be a representation of gay people in each sport but if there is then great. My point is that if we KNOW there are at least eight gay footballers currently playing top flight football who are not comfortable coming out through fear of what the reactions would be, that is unacceptable. Anyone who has come out knows what this fear is like. Instead of worrying about the media response we may have worried about our friends' response. We haven't had to worry about the fans' response but we agonised over what our colleagues may say.

A lot of people find that the fears they have around coming out never actually materialise and that things are a lot easier than they assumed they would be. Maybe this will be the case in football too but surely there’s no harm in acting now to reduce this fear by being proactive by adopting an anti-homophobic stance.

It would be great for one of those eight players to bite that bullet and stand up to be counted. Fear can cripple us and is very often much worse than the thing we fear. The difference with fear of this nature is that we don't yet know the outcome and so we don't yet know if the fear is warranted. One thing is for sure, whoever decides to step up and step out will have the respect and appreciation of millions of people from around the world. Many will think that this is no big deal and to them it might not be, which is fine. But it is a big deal to many others and that's why sometimes some of us seem to be obsessed with gay footballers. If a gay player can't come out then how is an out gay youngster ever going to break into the sport?