"For while some are incapable of marriage because they were born so, or made so by men, there are others who have themselves renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of Heaven. Let those accept it who can."

What does this Bible quote mean? To some it would suggest that God is clearly acknowledging homosexuals and even going one step further and encouraging their acceptance. To others it clearly refers to those who are born unable to produce children. Unfortunately Jesus does not have Twitter so we can't ask him exactly what he meant in his statement. I'm being flippant, of course I am, but only for the purpose of highlighting the huge difference in society from the time of Jesus to the time we live in now. I've always been fascinated by Faith and how millions of people around the world live their lives based on the teachings of one man who lived over 2,000 years ago. From my History and Religious Studies lessons at school, I do believe that there was a man called Jesus and he did travel around speaking to the masses trying to encourage them to lead decent lives. Was He the Son of God? I don't know. Does anyone know? I'd argue that they don't. I understand that many many people 'believe' that Jesus was the Son of God but that is different to 'knowing' something surely? Well that's where Faith comes in.

To a non religious person Faith could be seen as illogical. It suggests a blind will to dismiss common sense, logic and reason. To those who have Faith this suggestion would be rather insulting. People with Faith are simply enlightened, unlike those without it. The Bible itself says that Faith is, "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  (Hebrews 11)

In Christianity, Faith is not concerned with obedience to a given set of rules; it is about learning God's teachings and understanding what those teachings mean to the individual. Clearly the Bible plays a huge role in this process which is why I opened this essay with a quote. It's a rather important quote in my opinion as it offers an insight into Jesus' teachings on homosexuality (depending on your interpretation of it). More than 2,000 years have passed since Jesus was born and society and culture has changed beyond comprehension since then. Clearly, some fundamental aspects of society haven't changed but the world in which we live in now is very different to the world that surrounded Jesus.

I'm not going to quote the numerous passages from the Bible that are often used to back up arguments that suggest hypocrisy in religion. You know, the one about not having sex with your wife if she is on her period or the one that says an adulterous man should be put to death. They are there though and sometimes are written so clearly and explicitly that it seems impossible to interpret them in any other way. So why don't those who insist that the Bible teaches against homosexuality also insist that these teachings are also upheld in our modern world? Well society would not allow it. Our attitudes have changed. There was a time when women were drowned for being accused of practising witchcraft. How ludicrous would it be for us to suggest we bring back that practice? Completely ludicrous.

I know that there will be those who are reading this now who feel that as a non-Christian I simply do not understand what I'm talking about because I do not understand God. Well I don't really care what these people think to be honest. I respect everyone's right to believe in what they want to but as soon as those beliefs (and that's all they are, beliefs) start to impact on my life and the lives of millions of other LGBT people around the world, that's when I adopt the 'I don't really care' stance. I'm a polite person, I'm a caring person and I believe that I live my life in a good way, always looking out for others and trying to make the right choices. I was born gay (there's no debate here so let's not even entertain the idea) and I choose to act on those feelings of same sex attraction, something that others may see as a sin.

The thing is I know that I live my life trying to do the best I can for my self and those in it. If God exists in a form that enables Him to judge, punish or reward, then I'm pretty confident that I'll be OK thank you. I think that life is not about what you believe or preach or challenge but about what you do. Those who use religion to mask sexism or homophobia have missed the point. If God exists in the form I mentioned then surely don't you think that he may be setting us challenges every day to test our own morals, standards and ability to show love to one another? I do. Maybe some of those passages in the Bible are examples of that; curve balls to test our ability to think on our own and make decisions based on what we feel not what we are told. He gave us the ability to question; maybe we should use it more than we do.

I always knew that this essay wouldn't be specific, tidy or particularly focused because of the nature of its subject. What I wanted to do was to simply lay out my stall and try to explain how I see my place in this world, a world where millions of people worship different Gods and have different beliefs. A world where millions of people have died and suffered in the name of religion, arguably doing what they felt God was asking them to do. It's not about being right and it's not about being wrong. Life is about doing what you think is right for you and those who you love. It's not about pleasing any Gods that may or not exist in various guises, it's about learning and growing and challenging your own ideals to ensure that you live a life that you would be happy with when it's all over.

I don't need a book to tell me how to do that but I understand that others do. I think some of the stories in the Bible are amazing and teach us so much about how we should treat our fellow human beings but surely life isn't about doing what we're told. That would be far too easy. It's about doing what we feel is right and there's a difference.

Jesus was born in a stable. When I visited the Vatican a few years ago I was astonished at the riches that were seemingly being hoarded and also displayed to the visitors. I'm sure the Pope loves to look at all of the shiny things but is that really what Jesus taught people was important? I'm no expert, but based on what I was taught in school I actually think Jesus would be pretty disgusted at the obsession with material wealth the Catholic Church seem to have. But what do I know?

I just hope that as human beings we all continue to question what we're taught and look inside ourselves for the answers, not to simply do what other people tell us to. If you're really and truly against marriage equality then maybe spend a bit of time thinking about what your views on divorce are. If you believe that being gay is just fundamentally wrong then maybe you should question why you think it is. Is it because you think that's what you should believe or is it because the idea of two men kissing and sleeping together makes you feel a bit sick. Be honest. I have straight mates who have no issue with me being gay but we don't talk about the physical aspect because it's not something they feel comfortable doing. Does this bother me? Not at all. I don't particularly want to hear about their heterosexual exploits! But I appreciate their honesty. The fact that we have different ideas of what is 'normal' in our sex lives doesn't mean that we can't be friends.

It would be impossible to live your life as the Bible suggests in every way possible in 2013. If it's necessary to adapt, pick and choose these aspects to fit life in 2013, then all I hope is that people don't let their closed-minded attitudes dictate which parts of the scripture they choose to ignore and which they choose to follow.

As always I encourage and look forward to your comments!

Wayne Dhesi
@WayneDavid81
@rucomingout

Read past blog entries by clicking here . . .

Last night I watched a documentary on the British channel BBC Three about the controversial subject of Gay Conversion Therapy. The programme caused an outpouring of anger, frustration and above all disagreement amongst gay, lesbian and bisexual people on Twitter, Facebook and other social media. I was angry. I was frustrated. However, I found myself beginning to finally understand the concept of GCT. I've always thought that the idea was to 'switch off' someone's sexuality and for people who were going through the process to 'learn' how to fancy the opposite sex. I was wrong.

We were shown a 17 year old boy who had same sex attractions. In other words he was gay. By the end of the show we were shown that he was now in a relationship with a girl. Success! Well, not really. The boy admitted that he still had same sex attractions (in other words he was still gay) but he simply chose not to act upon them. So there we have it! It's pretty simple. Any sane person, gay or straight, understands that you can't switch off sexuality. I don't think Gay Conversion Therapy is about this though, it seems to be about choosing not to act on that attraction to the same sex. This opens up a whole new argument, an argument that I've thought about for over 10 years.

I came out when I was 21 but I knew I was gay when I was 15. During the years between 15 and 21 I guess you could say I carried out my own Gay Conversion Therapy and I'd bet that I wasn't in the minority. I tried to convince myself that I could hide my sexuality. I tried to ignore the fact that I fancied men and I forced myself to imagine how much easier my life would be if I was straight. It WOULD be easier. I would not have to come out to anyone, I would be able to have kids the 'natural' way and I wouldn't have to disappoint anyone. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that I wasn't the only closeted person to go through these thought processes. Now here's the difference between me and the 17 year old we met on 'Gay to Straight' last night. I decided that being gay wasn't wrong. I began to accept that I was different but not ill. I told myself that I didn't have a 'condition' and therefore it couldn't and shouldn't be treated. I understood that for whatever reason I was not like the majority of the population who found the opposite sex attractive. I knew that my life would be more complicated than my straight friends' in regards to relationships, at least for the first part of my adult life anyway.

The reason I say that I began to understand what Gay Conversion Therapy is while watching the programme is because I finally saw through the false science, made up statistics and 'success' stories that we are often presented with when we see programmes on this subject. I saw through all of this and was presented with a homophobic father who did not want his son to be gay because he thought it was disgusting. "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve", he said with an air of arrogance that his wife seemed to gush over. This is when everything clicked into place and things became a lot clearer to me. Of course it's impossible to switch of someone's same sex attraction and surely, that's what makes someone gay (or bi). Of course we should all be angry and frustrated at the programme but what people seemed to miss was the reasons why these men had enrolled onto the course of therapy. They enrolled because they were scared of disappointing their families and friends who were very vocal about their dislike of homosexuality.

This is what GCT is all about. Forget the group hugging in the forests, the manly embraces that were allowed as long as you said you were not getting any sexual pleasure from it and forget the ludicrous claim made by an 'expert' that no gay man has ever had an emotionally healthy relationship with their father. All of that is obviously complete crap and serves simply as a smokescreen to cover up the rampant ignorance to homosexuality that still exists in many parts of the world.

So I do now understand what Gay Conversion Therapy is all about. It's a form of abuse that parents (not necessarily homophobic parents, but stupid at least, selfish for sure) inflict on their children because of their own selfish beliefs.

I know that people take part in these camps and schools of their own free will but here's the question that the programme failed to even ask - Why do so many gay men and women around the world NOT feel the need to convert? I'd suggest that it's because they have more supportive and understanding families, live in more forward thinking communities or simply have been allowed to come to their own conclusion that being attracted to the same sex is not wrong.

I get that two men can't conceive children naturally and without procreation the human race would in theory eventually cease to exist. But what does this really mean? Some men and women cannot have children, some men and women choose not to have children. We don't send them to Conversion Therapy where they learn how to hate themsleves do we? Of course not, that would be just as ridiculous as sending a 17 year old gay man to a camp where they take their shirts off and play catch with other gay men.

I understand Gay Conversion Therapy now. I understand that I do not need to frustrate myself by even bothering to argue with the false data and fake science. I understand that I should empathise more with the boys and girls, men and women who are sent to these groups or who are made to feel it's their only option. I understand that as a society we still have years to go before we can say that we're truly civilised. I also understand that until every parent everywhere not necessarily agrees with being gay but at least respects their children's right to embrace it, there will be more teen suicides, more cases of self harm and more miserable teenagers growing up in a world that doesn't allow them to live, but simply exist.

I finally understand it - but I still don't like it.

Follow me on Twitter - @waynedavid81
Follow rucomingout - @rucomingout

 

I think I’m going to find this blog entry really easy to write – the reason I say that is because I know exactly what I want to say and for the first time, I’m not really too bothered if I offend anyone in the process. I guess I'm fed up of trying to be diplomatic, not wanting to offend the groups who seem to take sick, twisted pleasure in insulting people who just happen to be different to themselves.  That may sound slightly arrogant but do you know what, I don’t care! Since I launched rucomingout four months ago, I have been so careful not to upset anyone with my views on gay and lesbian lifestyles, not wanting to sound like a ‘militant homosexual’ as I have been called before, and definitely not wanting people to think I’m a straight-hating, narrow-minded gay-obsessive. I’m none of those things.

I went to World Pride 2012 last weekend which this year was held in London. Now, I’m sure we all know about the controversy surrounding the plans for the event and the scaling back of certain aspects. My opinion? Not really that important to me. Pride is about the people, always has been and always will be. We don’t need a big name DJ, well-known popstar or Hollywood actor to create a sense of occasion, WE ARE THE OCCASION!!!

That could just mean that you speak to people from a different city, people with different jobs, of different generations or people dressed as characters from Alice in Wonderland. I met an amazing man who must have been in his 70s who had made friends with a couple of guys in their late 20s or early 30s. Their differences were overshadowed by their commonalities. They were all gay and could relate to the struggles that each of them had faced at some point in their lives. This commonality united them but didn’t define them. They laughed, joked, introduced one another to strangers they had just met and posed for photographs. This is why Pride is beautiful and this is why Pride is still needed in 2012.

I hate to judge and to make assumptions; I always base my opinions on what I know, things I’ve witnessed or experienced and try and always make balanced statements. Take a look at the picture I’ve posted here of the older gent holding the sign and his new friend:

Now I want you to be honest, completely honest with yourself. If you saw these guys standing in the middle of a Wetherspoons pub in the middle of a small town or city on a normal Saturday evening would people around them make them feel uncomfortable? Ok, so imagine our friend wasn’t holding the sign. What now? So he might not have a sign proclaiming his sexuality but he might still want to embrace his new friend, talk loudly about gay culture and not want to hide away who he is just in case he ‘offended’ anyone. His new friend may still wish to wear his bright red cravat or his rainbow flag decoration - what now? I’m being honest with myself now. I’m basing my opinion on what I have witnessed or experienced and will try and make a balanced statement. In a huge proportion of straight bars, rather than at a Pride event, in this situation, these men would have to deal with strange looks, snide comments, possible verbal abuse and maybe, just maybe direct insults. Do you agree? Maybe you don’t; maybe you think I’m over reacting and being dramatic. As I said, I’m basing what I feel on what I have experienced and what I feel makes me sad. It makes me sad that people could judge others on the basis that they are different to themselves. How many gay couples do you see kissing or holding hands in straight pubs and bars? How many straight couples? Why? Homophobia isn't just about gay people being beaten up or gay school children being bullied, it's the realtively common but rarely acknowledged homophobia like I've mentioned which I feel has to be challenged - but that's for another blog. I know I alter my behaviour or lower my voice in certain situations in case I bring attention to the fact I'm gay, and I'm ashamed that I do that. Maybe I'm scared of offending, maybe I'm scared I'll be beaten up, I'm not sure. But as I said, that's a whole new blog entry in itself: Gays - Know Your Place!

Anyway, this is why I love Pride. I love Pride because that ‘difference’, the reaction to which very often is the cause of such violence and abhorrent behaviour in our world, is not just acknowledged as good but is celebrated.

Some of you may be aware of a guy who has made it his goal to try and sabotage this project and website. Before Pride this weekend this guy posted tweets saying that he hoped God would wash away the homosexuals at World Pride and that being gay is wrong. I’m not allowed to post those tweets here because I’m breaking copyright laws and this website could be removed. This guy angers me, annoys me and makes me worry. This guy has children and he makes no effort to hide the fact that he is conditioning them to hate gays and lesbians as much as he does. I want to say now that I know many Christians who do not share this guy’s views that God hates gay people. I wouldn’t offend them by associating them with this guy purely based on the fact that they all share a belief in God. I know that’s pretty obvious but in my opinion, if God does exist (yes, I am not 100% sure!) I’m pretty sure that he would find this guy’s behaviour disgusting and very un-Christian like.

I met up with some new friends that I haven’t spent a huge amount of time with before last weekend but who I know I like, respect and will make my life richer by having them in it. I don’t become friends with people because they are gay. I don’t refuse to talk to people who are straight. I surround myself with people who are good, people who can make me laugh and people who are nice. James and Kenny are such people. I have only met them once before this weekend. They’re funny, they’re caring and they’re welcoming. They’re also married, to each other. James and Kenny are brilliant. Not because they are gay, but because of the qualities they have and the positive energy they spread. I had an amazing time talking to them both in Circa Bar just off Soho Square. They introduced me to their friends (gay and straight) who were also lovely. They asked me questions about this website, gave me advice and encouragement, made me feel welcome and were a huge reason why I had such a great afternoon. James text me yesterday to tell me that he had been contacted to be told that he is a successful blood match with a patient who requires a bone marrow transplant. James doesn’t know this person; he and Kenny decided to put themselves on the donor register two years ago because they knew that by doing so they could potentially save someone’s life.

The guy who is determined to close this site down, the one who tweets hateful comments about gays and lesbians, the guy who claims that no matter how many good things you do in your life because you are still evil and will burn in hell if you are gay – this guy is a prick. I’ve been told my many people that I shouldn’t bring myself to his level but I’m not really too concerned about that. I know that I am a good person and I know that I try and live a decent life, helping people along the way and I’m sure that God would respect that and forgive the odd slip up like calling someone a prick. I don't know if the guy who hates gays is on the bone marrow transplant register, it isn't really important, but what I do know is that he wouldn't acknowledge James and Kenny's amazing gesture because they are gay. That's a pretty prick-ish way of thinking in my opinion.

I’d happily change my mind about this guy being a prick if he could show me why I should but I’m not holding out much hope of that. My new friends James and Kenny aren’t pricks – they’re amazing.

Pride was amazing. It’s not a reflection of what living life as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual person is like; it’s an extreme, in your face, over the top, exaggerated celebration of difference.

I’ve always had a bit of an issue with the term 'Pride'. I personally feel that you can only really be proud of something that you have had some input into. I know that not everyone will share that view and I respect that. But I wouldn’t say that I’m necessarily proud to be gay – I can’t take the credit for that, it just happened! However, I am proud of how I dealt with the challenge of being gay after I realised I was. I'm also proud to be me and of the choices I make in life. I’m proud of my friends, the old ones, the new ones and the ones I have yet to meet.

So for me, World Pride 2012 was much more than an excuse for a party, more than an opportunity to wave a flag. It was about me realising that I surround myself with people who are nicer than the guy who hates gays and our website. People can hide behind God or their beliefs about what is natural or normal but that means nothing, absolutely nothing. When it comes down to it I think it's all about one question:

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Until next time, I hope you continue to enjoy the stories and the site and remember . . . don't be a prick, be nice!

Wayne

See our World Pride 2012 - London photo gallery here

@waynedavid81 - on thee olde Twitter
facebook.com/rucomingout - on the book of face
[email protected] - write to me without having to buy a stamp

Find out more about bone marrow donation here

Today I was asked to contribute a short piece of writing about my feelings on gay marriage or 'marriage equality' as I would rather call it.  It took me a few false starts before I found my flow and I soon realised that this was because I was thinking about my argument far too much. It's actually pretty simple. 

Here's what I wrote:

I've been to two weddings this year and I will have been to another two before 2012 is out.  That's what happens when you hit 30; all of your friends get married!

I'm not married but I do have a boyfriend of three years. Do I want to get married? Not at the moment, no. Do I want to have the option to get married one day?  Of course I do. Who wouldn't want to have the option? At the moment in this country I am not able to get married.  I can however have a civil partnership. The entire debate surounding 'gay marriage' is one of definition. Some religious groups are fighting to protect the term marriage to mean a  union of a man and a woman.  They claim to 'own' the term and suggest that altering it's definition to include same sex couples would basically undo years of tradition and simply cannot happen.  I disagree. Straight couples who do not wish to marry in a religious ceremony can have a civil marriage.  Gay couples can have a similar ceremony however it is not to be called a civil marriage but a civil union or civil partnership.  Why the difference?

The philosopher Confucius was born in ancient China in 551BC.  His definition of marriage goes like this, 'Marriage is the union of two different surnames, in friendship and in love, in order to continue the posterity of the former sages, and to furnish those who shall preside at the sacrifices to heaven and earth, at those in the ancestral temple, and at those at the altars to the spirits of the land and grain.'

Over half a century before the birth of Jesus, we see a definition of marriage with a clear absence of genders. I'd prefer to refer to this definition of marriage if that's ok.  There is no mention of God but of a spirituality and repsect for our land. 

The Church did such a good job in claiming marriage as their own and shaping it to fit their own values and agendas that as a society we have come to believe that the word itself is steeped in religion, when it simply isn't.

Many people argue that gay people are being awkward and simply stoking the fires.  After all, we can get civil patnered which gives us the same legal rights as straight married couples so why the persistance? The point is this. Just because I don't want to get married now, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to. The word 'marriage' does not belong to anyone, just look in the history books.  Times change and so do mankind's attitudes and just because some things are traditional it does not mean that they should not change over time.  It used to be traditional to drown women accused of witchcraft; it isn't now because that's ridiculous.

There are many arguments against gay marriage, none of which have any real substance. If indeed marriage is just a word, then allow us, the gays and lesbians of the UK, to use it too. No one likes being left out do they?

"Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself"*

*(Sound familiar? Well that was also Confucius by the way)