Andrew | 22 | Cardiff, Wales | Medical Student
When I first decided that I would write this story, I was immediately faced with a problem. At what point in my life did I actually come out? I am not sure whether some people have this dramatic moment where they simply announce to the world their sexual preference, but I imagine for most, like myself, it is a much more gradual process, with many highs and lows along the way. I guess I should write about my time at school. While I wouldn’t say that I was ever truly happy during these years, it wasn’t something that made me particularly unhappy either. By 14 I knew I was gay but I wasn’t bullied, I am not exactly overtly flamboyant (although I do play up to it now).While some people may have thought it possible, I outright denied that I was gay and with my outwardly emotionless nature, that seemed to be enough to convince them. I guess I should ask myself why I didn’t tell anyone at school, but the answer is obvious, I was scared. With my conservative, middle-class family, who I love dearly, and my conservative, middle-class school, where I made some of the closest friends I will ever have, I genuinely believed I would lose everything. After a time I think I did start to feel more comfortable around some of these friends but I actually thought that if I then told them, they would be hurt that I had lied to them for so long, I suppose this was just a convenient excuse not to face the truth though. My story really begins at university, for it was here that I finally told someone, but even then I suppose it was a lie as I said I was bisexual. I look back now and all I think is how stupid it was, I knew I was not bisexual, yet at the time I still wasn’t ready to give up my safety net. As far as everyone back home was concerned I was straight, and I thought that if this new double-life I was leading in Sheffield went horribly wrong, I could return to my little heterosexual life in the country and live out my days without worrying about being judged. I kept these two lives completely separate, and it was surprisingly easy. Too busy focusing on my studies to have time for a girlfriend I would tell my brother. Or ‘nothing serious yet’ to my mother, who would then avoid asking more as she simply took this to mean ‘sleeping around’. |
"Despite more lies though, I finally had a proverbial foot in the
homosexual door and the opportunity to experiment with this new part
of my life. This was, for the most part, largely uneventful."
I had moments. A cheeky kiss in a club, a few short flings, nothing serious. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to get close to anyone because I knew then that there would come a time I would have to tell my parents. I still wasn’t ready for this, despite me thinking it would be easier to have someone with me to hold my hand while I did it.
By the end of university I was beginning to get quite frustrated, and combined with the prospect of once again not getting into medical school meant I was at a very low point in my life. Something inside me snapped, and I tore down the boundaries of my two lives and finally told my three closest friends at home. I had tried to tell them before, over dinner, and I remember feeling like I was going to vomit the entire time. I couldn’t do it, I cannot explain why. There seemed to be this mental barrier that I could not get passed, at least not face-to-face, and even today I don’t understand it. So it would be by the almighty medium of Facebook that I finally ‘came out’ to them. Late at night I poured my heart out onto a private message about how low my life had become and how much I loved them, I hit send, and then I turned my phone off and went to bed. I didn’t want to face them that night, and they still haven’t forgiven me for that, but the following day I received texts and phones calls off each of them and I was so overwhelmed by the amount of love they had for me. I knew that if I had not been in the library at the time I would have been in floods of tears. They will never realise how much I appreciate the friendship and support they have given me ever since.
After this it became easier. If people asked I would now simply say that I was gay, and while there are people out there whom I have not told, or who believe me to be bisexual, I know that they would not judge me on my sexual orientation anyway. I never quite know what to expect when I do tell people, some are surprised, others already know, most don’t really give any reaction. You begin to realise after a while that it’s not such a big deal that you originally thought and people don’t judge you on your sexuality, it’s only a very small part of who you are. There was one more giant step to take though; telling my family.
This is almost another story entirely, for it wasn’t until I started medical school a year ago that I found the courage to be honest with them. By the end of my time at Sheffield, most people there knew and I felt more comfortable with having to tell a whole new group of people at Cardiff University. It was made even easier by the fact that I met the most wonderful guy anyone could hope to meet. Before fresher’s week was even over we had already been on our first date, which made telling my housemates very easy as I could hardly lie about what I was doing. For the first time in my life I could truly say that I was happy. It was the end of this relationship however that would gave me the final push to tell those closest to me. The whole romance was one hell of a whirlwind and I was developing feelings far too quickly, so when it was over I was absolutely devastated. Going home and pretending to be okay wasn’t something I could do. I remember having this epiphany moment where I realised that living a life where I could not go home and cry to my own mum was not a life that I wanted to live. So at 21 years old, over the Christmas holiday last year, I finally told her. I owe more the guy I met in fresher’s week than he will ever know, as he was the person that allowed me to finally be happy.
By the end of university I was beginning to get quite frustrated, and combined with the prospect of once again not getting into medical school meant I was at a very low point in my life. Something inside me snapped, and I tore down the boundaries of my two lives and finally told my three closest friends at home. I had tried to tell them before, over dinner, and I remember feeling like I was going to vomit the entire time. I couldn’t do it, I cannot explain why. There seemed to be this mental barrier that I could not get passed, at least not face-to-face, and even today I don’t understand it. So it would be by the almighty medium of Facebook that I finally ‘came out’ to them. Late at night I poured my heart out onto a private message about how low my life had become and how much I loved them, I hit send, and then I turned my phone off and went to bed. I didn’t want to face them that night, and they still haven’t forgiven me for that, but the following day I received texts and phones calls off each of them and I was so overwhelmed by the amount of love they had for me. I knew that if I had not been in the library at the time I would have been in floods of tears. They will never realise how much I appreciate the friendship and support they have given me ever since.
After this it became easier. If people asked I would now simply say that I was gay, and while there are people out there whom I have not told, or who believe me to be bisexual, I know that they would not judge me on my sexual orientation anyway. I never quite know what to expect when I do tell people, some are surprised, others already know, most don’t really give any reaction. You begin to realise after a while that it’s not such a big deal that you originally thought and people don’t judge you on your sexuality, it’s only a very small part of who you are. There was one more giant step to take though; telling my family.
This is almost another story entirely, for it wasn’t until I started medical school a year ago that I found the courage to be honest with them. By the end of my time at Sheffield, most people there knew and I felt more comfortable with having to tell a whole new group of people at Cardiff University. It was made even easier by the fact that I met the most wonderful guy anyone could hope to meet. Before fresher’s week was even over we had already been on our first date, which made telling my housemates very easy as I could hardly lie about what I was doing. For the first time in my life I could truly say that I was happy. It was the end of this relationship however that would gave me the final push to tell those closest to me. The whole romance was one hell of a whirlwind and I was developing feelings far too quickly, so when it was over I was absolutely devastated. Going home and pretending to be okay wasn’t something I could do. I remember having this epiphany moment where I realised that living a life where I could not go home and cry to my own mum was not a life that I wanted to live. So at 21 years old, over the Christmas holiday last year, I finally told her. I owe more the guy I met in fresher’s week than he will ever know, as he was the person that allowed me to finally be happy.
"My older brother was first person I told as I thought this would be the easiest, although it was harder than I thought." |
That same feeling of nausea as when I tried to tell my friends came back, and the same thing would happen when I told every family member. My brother had been to university, and was rather liberal, and he didn’t bat an eyelid when I told him and for this I am grateful.
My twin was the next person I told. He had not been to university, and his experience of gay people was very limited. I was afraid to tell him as I had no idea how he would react. So while talking over the best way to tell him with a friend I decided to text his girlfriend. I asked her to meet me somewhere secret which ended up being in a MacDonald’s car park. It was late at night and it probably looked like I was buying drugs. She was terrified, I hadn’t told her what it was about and she thought I was going to tell her my brother had been cheating on her!! We decided that he would be fine with it maybe not instantly, but after a while he would remember that he loved me, hug me and tell me it was fine, which is exactly what happened when I told him. However, I do remember the period between me telling him and him accepting it, I phoned my friend saying ‘what the hell have I just done?’ and genuinely feeling like the apocalypse was coming. When the hug came, the feeling of relief was immeasurable. |
That just left mum, and now my brothers knew I felt like I had a buffer for what was to come but even so I had to be slightly drunk for this one, and I was still more nervous than I’d ever been in my life. My brothers and I had been out that evening and they knew I was going to tell her, so they made excuses to leave me alone in the living room with her. I remember sitting in silence for what seemed like an eternity before finally saying ‘mum… there is something I need to tell you’. That was it. There was no backing out now and I already felt a weight off my shoulders. When I told her she simply said ‘oh… ok’, and then hugged me, and told me she loved me no matter what. I could have cried. After this she needed some time to take it in, and so I was grateful for my brothers being there to keep me calm. My twin went to talk to her, and I still have no idea to this day what was said, but shortly after my mum came up to my room and told me that she loved me, and that I could not hide from who I was and that she was proud of me. Much more was said but this is mostly a blur. I remember crying myself to sleep that night. I’d had no idea of how much emotion I had kept buried within me throughout most of my life, emotion that was now free to come flooding out. We’ve not spoken much about it since, I know she still needs time to come to terms with it completely, but I also know that one day when I get the opportunity to introduce a man to her, she will be happy for me.
I don’t think you can ever really say when the best time to ‘come out’ is. It is different for everyone. I think in all honesty, and it sounds incredibly cliché, but you just know when it's the right time for you. I could not have done it without the support of great friends though, and while I did not have the ‘man of my dreams’ there to hold my hand when I told my family, I realise now that I had so many people I care about to hold it anyway. I am so fortunate that all these people I love were so understanding and it has made me closer to them than ever. Coming out is one of the hardest things a person will ever have to do and I know that other people will not be as lucky as I was. For me the only barriers were the ones that I put up myself but I know that will not be the case with everyone. What I can say is that all that matters is that you are happy. Your true friends will not judge you; they are the ones you should trust to tell. My story is not over, there are people who do not know, my dad for example, but I know now that I am ready to tell him and I will do very soon. Start small; it is your story to tell and you shouldn’t tell anyone until you are ready. It gets easier each time, I promise.
I don’t think you can ever really say when the best time to ‘come out’ is. It is different for everyone. I think in all honesty, and it sounds incredibly cliché, but you just know when it's the right time for you. I could not have done it without the support of great friends though, and while I did not have the ‘man of my dreams’ there to hold my hand when I told my family, I realise now that I had so many people I care about to hold it anyway. I am so fortunate that all these people I love were so understanding and it has made me closer to them than ever. Coming out is one of the hardest things a person will ever have to do and I know that other people will not be as lucky as I was. For me the only barriers were the ones that I put up myself but I know that will not be the case with everyone. What I can say is that all that matters is that you are happy. Your true friends will not judge you; they are the ones you should trust to tell. My story is not over, there are people who do not know, my dad for example, but I know now that I am ready to tell him and I will do very soon. Start small; it is your story to tell and you shouldn’t tell anyone until you are ready. It gets easier each time, I promise.
"It gets easier each time, I promise."
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...