Alun | 32 | Cardiff, Wales | Actor and Writer
Just a few nights ago I was asked a question:
"Do you ever wish you weren't gay?"
It's a funny question anyway, but I think that the weirdest thing about it was that the person who asked me was my boyfriend; my partner of 10 years. I didn't mind being asked as it kind of prompted me into writing this.
When I was 21 I had a girlfriend. I'd had girlfriends before but this one was the one I lost my virginity to and things were going fairly well. I'd had a bit of a 'thing' with a lad I'd met the summer before but with a girlfriend I somehow thought that I could live a more 'normal life'. I know now that I was way off.
I wasn't 100% happy and I knew that I had strong feelings for other lads. I was just more interested in them and had always had a certain curiosity about men since I was very young. About four months into the relationship I had a night out with my best (girl) mate who I'd known since school. We had a bit of wine, then went to the pub and for some reason I decided when I was sat there with my pint that I was going to tell her I was bi. And 10 minutes later I did.
Holy hell. I just said that there was somebody I'd had a 'thing' with, and that it was a lad. She was shocked but then again, not that shocked, gave me a huge hug, had a little cry and off we went to the next pub. I know that the rest of the night involved jelly baby vodka, a few questions and a lot of laughs.
"I couldn't quite believe that I'd told someone the truth about me.
Not just that, I'd told someone and they hadn't snubbed me, walked off,
been sick on me, hit me or had a brain hemorrhage.
Maybe this wouldn't be as hard as I thought."
At the end of the uni year I knew I'd be moving away while my girlfriend was staying there, so between everything I finished it, which left her quite confused as things seemed fine before. A few nights later it was our last night of uni and the end of the night got quite emotional for everyone, but it ended with my girlfriend crying asking me why we'd finished and I felt I had to tell her - I had different feelings which weren't fair to her, I thought I was bi... And after a slight emotional outburst we had a really sensible conversation and talked it out. We didn't get back together but we left it on a good note. Second successful confession.
I made the decision that our graduation day would be the day I told my other mates: If they wouldn't want to know me any more then hey ho, it had been a good three years; if they understood then well, we'd stay in touch.
It was amazing. I had hugs from everyone. Most people said that they "...knew anyway..." - although how they knew before me I don't know. It wasn't made a massive thing but all my mates were cool, just cool. And to this day they still are.
A year later I met my boy on a night out And it just felt normal. So normal that (very nearly) ten years later here we are planning a civil partnership, sharing families, sharing THE best group of mates and having a great time together. And being ourselves.
"Do I ever wish I wasn't gay?
Not once in ten years. Not once."
Follow Alun on Twitter - @AlunSaunders