Tom | 26 | Aberdeen, UK | PhD Research Student
My story begins in a rather ordinary way - school was never a real issue (it was an all-boys school). I have fond memories of my formative years, and there were boys in my year who were out, along with a few of the male staff members too, so I guess everyone was pretty au fait with homosexuality. Yes there were moments of teasing, probing questions from some boys, but nothing I would class as bullying, just teenage curiosity.
In telling you this story I should note that my identical twin brother was along for the ride too, each of us having a similarly supportive school experience. As a pair we are the complete opposite personality wise, but still very close (he is studying for a medicine degree) which may make the following statement quite unbelievable, but it is the honest truth - during our school years we never once discussed with one another that we were both gay. Sounds odd right? Perhaps it was just that we both knew and things didn’t need to be spoken aloud. I still am not sure why we never did discuss this aspect of ourselves, as I am sure the support over any internal conflicts would have been beneficial, but maybe we had that already as a by-product of being twins.
Anyhow, onto the ‘big-event’ - well actually there were two of them. In truth there was no huge shouting about it, simply a piece of the jigsaw that enabled me to acknowledge that I was indeed gay. It was the last day at school and we were heading off to the pub to celebrate our achievements when a guy who I’d shared a few tutor groups and classes with handed me an envelope instructing me to open it when I was alone (it was swiftly placed into my backpack). Needless to say after celebrating, the letter had slipped my memory completely until I was clearing out my school things at home alongside my brother. I found the letter crumpled at the bottom of my bag and on seeing it, recalled my classmate’s instructions but proceeded to read the contents in front of my intrigued twin. Well the letter was a surprise to say the least, with my classmate confessing that he had been admiring me from afar for a few years but hadn’t had the courage to tell me in person (he was also certain I would have had many admirers in my time). I was both surprised and flattered in equal measure. |
"As I was digesting this newly acquired information that I was attractive to at least one other human being, my brother ripped the letter from my grasp and read it. On finishing, he laughed, smiled and said, “How sweet, you’ve got a potential boyfriend, what are you going to do?”
I stood there and said that I was very flattered but I wasn’t sure what to do and asked what he’d do? It was at this moment that my brother said, “being gay, I’d say yes, but it isn’t me he likes”. That was it - the first acknowledgment of sexuality in our sibling relationship, so I responded, “me too”, and that was that; no fuss, worry or any change at all.
The second ‘coming out’, this time to my parents, resulted from being open with work colleagues at the local supermarket where I had a weekend job who thought I should tell my parents before running away to university after summer. The written word seems to have a strong thread in this tale, and so it came to pass that I wrote them a letter detailing my thoughts and feelings about being gay, my perception of homosexuality and everything it entailed (I also followed this pattern with my grandparents a year or so later). On returning from work that evening knowing they would have read it, my parents sat with me in the lounge and we had a chat. They were very supportive and accepting and said they just wanted me to be happy. No drama or craziness at all and my dad also asked if he could tell the rest of the family. I was happy for him to do so; happy for him to take some ownership of the situation. Despite me coming out, I never felt compelled to tell my parents that my brother was also gay and they never asked me. I wanted him to do it his way and in his own time (which was when we were at university).
My first boyfriend was a sweetheart who I met in my first undergraduate year. I used to get secreted into his family home (as he wasn’t out) with one occasion arising where I had to rush out the house being chased by his aunt’s border collie. We were together for over three years and I helped him in accepting his sexuality, and even with his parent’s acceptance of it too (yes they did find out we were more than friends). We are all still in touch which is great. Splitting up was a mutual decision, as we were both moving to new cities and we wanted each other to make the best of our new situations. This was difficult at first, but we knew it would be best for the both of us. I’m now with a wonderful guy and have been for three years now (we’ve even got a cat…that’s commitment for you). |
"My twin brother is engaged to a wonderful guy too, so everything is going swimmingly with positive hopes for the future."
The best advice I can give anyone who is thinking of coming out is to take time with things - there is no rush. Your life needs to be in situation where you have some form of support (aside from family). My first boyfriend’s family didn’t take his coming out that well at first but we all came through the other side. In fact, my current partner and I (along with my mum) went to my ex’s sister’s wedding and it was a lovely occasion.
Finally, come out in a way that gives you the opportunity to get what you really want to say across. I know that I am rubbish at coming up with things on the spot, hence the decision to take advantage of the power of the written word. It may seem cowardly to some but in reality it really isn’t. You can compose what you really want to say and it gives the recipient the time to understand and reflect on what you are saying. Just try not to let it happen by one of your parents finding a valentine’s card saying you've loved your boyfriend for the last two years (this is how my ex’s parents found out). On reflection it was quite funny to us all, but not so much at the time!
Follow Tom on Twitter - @psychtwin
Finally, come out in a way that gives you the opportunity to get what you really want to say across. I know that I am rubbish at coming up with things on the spot, hence the decision to take advantage of the power of the written word. It may seem cowardly to some but in reality it really isn’t. You can compose what you really want to say and it gives the recipient the time to understand and reflect on what you are saying. Just try not to let it happen by one of your parents finding a valentine’s card saying you've loved your boyfriend for the last two years (this is how my ex’s parents found out). On reflection it was quite funny to us all, but not so much at the time!
Follow Tom on Twitter - @psychtwin
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