Phoebe | 23 | Essex, England | Domestic Assistant
I’ve always hung around with boys, found them easier to get along with and felt more confident around them; like I could be myself and fit into their conversations better. Yet around a group of girls I just turned into a shy creature, blushing at the fact a pretty girl was talking to me. It occurred to me that I probably was a lesbian but wasn’t particularly interested in having a relationship. I got bored of being asked if I fancied any of the boys I was friends with. I got sick of pretending that I was interested, tired and upset and even angry every time I found out that one of my male friends fancied me. I just thought, ‘Why me? Now you’ve ruined things.’
I knew one day that I’d have to admit who I really was so that one day I’d actually get a happy ending. I wasn’t scared to admit what I was; I just didn’t see the point of telling anyone if I wasn’t with anyone. I went to college to pass the time and learn something I was actually quite interested in; turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me. College completely changed my life. I met a girl; fell in love, the end. Well not quite, there’s some stuff in between!
"This girl was my best friend at college. She made me smile and laugh and we just saw the fun in everything. I loved how she made me so happy all the time."
We spent A LOT of time together, which was fine by me and I felt honoured how she opened up to me about her brother’s illness (when she didn’t normally show any emotion or tell others how things really were). I felt that in return I could share my feelings about my difficult home life. I know it sounds cheesy to say that we kind of’ found each other’ but I guess I knew then that I loved her (but wasn’t sure what kind of love). I’d never been in ‘romantic’ love before. It wasn’t until we first spent the day alone together that I realised I was actually attracted to her, you know those butterflies you feel when your excited and nervous all at the same time, I began to get those EVERYDAY!
New Year’s Eve, when I saw her looking beautiful in a black dress, I got the first urge to kiss her. That night she flirted with me I was sure of it and then she said she loved me; was she joking? I now realised she wasn’t. Back then I was just a little bit drunk and confused. Sharing a room with her on a college trip filled me with an excitement that I shouldn’t have for sharing a room with a ‘friend’, but was that wrong? At the time I thought so, until a drunken night I kissed her on the cheek, she kissed me back ...on the lips...that moment was passionate, not forced or jokey it felt like it was both what we needed and wanted.
Needless to say alcohol freed us up a bit and it happened nearly every night for two weeks after that. Not just kissing, but finding out what each other felt like and looked like, I got to realise how beautiful women’s bodies are and how much I appreciated and wanted her. Was it a ‘holiday’ thing? Hmmm, that’s what I thought, imagine if she did too. However, not even a week after our return had passed and she invited me to hers and for weeks we spent nights kissing.
We explored what we felt for each other, never a spoken word though, which made it hard. How was I to know that this was what she wanted too? It wasn’t until she kissed me in the broad daylight and without either of us having alcohol for courage that I thought she did really want me.
"I guess you could have called it unspoken love that eventually became a relationship.
You know - holding hands, kissing, cuddles, talking, dates and being with one another.
We agreed not to call it sex because that’s not the feeling I got when I was with her."
I like to make her feel beautiful because she is and deserves to be told that she makes me feel amazing. It took several months to discuss and accept that we were in a relationship, and now she’s just simply my girlfriend, not my friend. No longer a friend with benefits nor a lover, but my girlfriend. To finally have that aspect in my life is wonderful. I was never scared to tell people about us because I didn’t see why we should be treated any differently to others. To me being with her is normal and anyone who disagrees with my decision to love her and be with her doesn’t deserve to say they know me. She must be amazing because I’ve not met a person who has disagreed with me yet. Love should be allowed for everyone. We’ve been together for about a year and a half now and although it’s not always easy, no love story is, and a love story like this is not always going to please everyone.
"I wish the world would be equal one day so that everyone would have the courage to fall in love,
just like I did, no matter who it’s with."
I feel that this perfectness I’ve somehow never searched for has found me and blessed me wonderfully. I hope that anyone who reads this can understand that it is OK to fall in love and it’s OK to fall in love with someone who is the same sex as you. There may be some people out there who don’t like it (you should maybe question these people’s position in your life) but there’s always going to be people that do (we’ve had great support from close friends and relatives). It may not always be easy being gay, bisexual, lesbian or transgender and ‘out’ but it’s better than lying to your self. You can’t let others live your life. I wish the world would be equal one day so that everyone would have the courage to fall in love...just like I did....no matter who it’s with.