It Gets Better...When?
Marc | 21
I am twenty one years old and I am male. I am bisexual and only ‘out’ to a handful of people. However, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled to accept and deal with my sexuality.
Throughout my teenage years, I tried the usual trick of burying my sexuality and thinking that if I did it long enough, it would eventually go away and stop being a problem. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t work and at the age of twenty one, I am still in the same predicament as I was at sixteen. Except now, I feel ready to face the truth.
See, I’m not somebody who is particularly bothered about what others think. You are always going to get people who don’t like you, even if you are the person who succeeds in bringing about world peace.
Throughout my teenage years, I tried the usual trick of burying my sexuality and thinking that if I did it long enough, it would eventually go away and stop being a problem. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t work and at the age of twenty one, I am still in the same predicament as I was at sixteen. Except now, I feel ready to face the truth.
See, I’m not somebody who is particularly bothered about what others think. You are always going to get people who don’t like you, even if you are the person who succeeds in bringing about world peace.
"Therefore, what other people think of my sexuality doesn’t bother me. They can either choose to accept it, or not. The main issue I have is that I’m not comfortable with it myself and who I am as a person."
I don’t mean that in an I-need-to-lose-weight or I-don’t-like-my-hair-colour way; those are things that can be changed. It’s the things that can’t be changed that are the problem. Despite the fact that it was released in 2002, the lyrics to Pink’s ‘Don’t Let Me Get Me’ sum up perfectly how I feel about myself:
“Every day I fight a war against the mirror, |
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not constantly unhappy. There are days when I feel good about it and I have a great family and set of friends who I am very lucky to have. There are people in much worse situations than me across the world.
Some days I imagine what it would be like to feel happy and comfortable with myself. I’d happy and this wouldn’t even be an issue like it isn’t for thousands of other people that are perfectly fine with whom they are. Then, I remember that that is just me in my own little bubble. Everyone has one of them; it’s the world where they day dream situations that often have no chance of coming true.
I look at other LGBT people who are in the public eye, such as Alan Carr, Gok Wan and Elton John, and I’m always in awe at how perfectly at ease they are with their sexuality. They just accept it like it is normal to them, so why don’t I feel the same?
"I used to think that as soon as I told someone about my sexuality, that it would all come together and I could finally understand the ‘It Gets Better’ adverts; I could be part of that community."
However, when I did tell the five people who know, I made the rookie mistake of doing it when I was slightly intoxicated, on each occasion. I suppose it is true what they say; alcohol does make you more confident. The only problem is when you all sober up, and then I either feel too awkward or embarrassed to bring the subject up so I just leave it. I know what you’re thinking; I don’t help myself.
So, right now, that’s where I am. If anyone actually does read this, I’m sure you’re thinking I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I hope I can one day write something else telling the world that it does, in fact, get better.
But do you know the strange part about all of this? I could be anyone you know; I could be a mother, a father, your son or daughter, a friend, an enemy or a random person you walk past in the street. I’m not asking for sympathy or anything like that. I’m just simply asking; it gets better…but when?
:: For obvious reasons Marc wanted to remain anonymous, however, he will be able to read any comments that are posted below and has set up a Twitter called @confesscloset which he welcomes you to follow. We know that there is no magic wand, secret formula or guide book to accepting your sexuality or for coming out, but the reason we provide these comment boxes is for people to offer support, advice and to share their own experiences.
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