Khakan Qureshi | Founder, Birmingham South Asians LGBT – Finding A Voice
I was born in Birmingham, 1970, to Muslim parents. I am the youngest of 7. I grew up in a relatively liberal family but tried to adhere to Islamic faith as much as we could. In our household, that meant to abstain from smoking, drinking alcohol, eating only halal meat, avoiding anything haram (forbidden) and generally being 'good'. Growing up, I was very close to my mother and my relationship with my dad appeared to be very strained. Dad was a founder member of the Birmingham Central Mosque and expected us to follow the 5 pillars of Islam. However, mum was much more lenient about this and encouraged us to be 'free spirits'. Although I felt liberated from the constraints of religious oppression, I still developed a strong interest in religion, debating and discussing moral issues such as death, relationships and touching on the subject of homosexuality. With everyone concerned in my family and with my peers, just the idea that someone was gay is/was a sin. "Just watching two men hold hands or kiss on TV in US soap operas such as Dallas or Dynasty was abhorrent. We had to switch the channels." |
At 17, I studied GCSE Religious Education, managing to obtain a Grade B. I was quite happy with the way things were progressing at school/college. I didn't tell anyone that I had gay feelings or a crush on anyone. In the Asian culture, back then, it was very much a taboo subject to discuss sex, never mind homosexuality. I was very much asexual. In hindsight, however, I think I may have only had two unspoken crushes on two male teachers. I spent a lot of times with the females in the household. We would talk about marriage, looking for the right partner and how many children we would have. Mum had great dreams and aspirations for me.
I moved down to London, aged 19. I was alone, isolated and found it difficult to engage in conversation and make friends. I was painfully shy and withdrawn but I became quite attached to an older female student, a maternal figure, who queried my sexual orientation. As I was still in the throes of seeking sexual enlightenment, I denied that I was gay or had feelings for men and claimed to wanting to find my own "Miss Right". My friend suggested that although I gave the air of someone quite worldly, I was still very much "sheltered". She didn't say I was "closeted" but that I "just had to find myself". She suggested I visit a gay bar in the centre of London. So I did. I was excited, embarrassed, guilty and ashamed as I walked through the doors of Brief Encounter, Charing Cross. I stayed for about half an hour. My struggle to accept myself began.
"Because of my strong faith and beliefs, I couldn't, didn't and wouldn't accept my feelings, desires and urges. I was totally repressed sexually and mentally. I wanted to be a good Muslim husband and father. I had my life plan mapped out. I wanted to please my parents and family."
I struggled with what my body and emotions were telling me. My mind and body were just not connecting. This went on for weeks, if not months. Then, a week before my 20th birthday, I met a man at the gay bar. I was overwhelmed with both positive and negative feelings. Religious guilt forced me to leave. All I kept thinking was that what I just did was "a sin, that I would be damned and sent to hell". I cried and several times in the coming months, contemplated suicide.
I wanted my family to be proud of me, not ashamed. The most difficult and hardest thing for me to do was to accept and come to terms with me being gay, never mind telling others and expecting them to accept me for who I am or what I was. I was seeking religious conciliation. After several brief encounters, I would go back to my bedsit and read the Koran and then read the Bible. I even read passages from the Kabbalah. It sounds like a cliché, but I was searching for answers and forgiveness. It never came from the passages I read.
I wanted my family to be proud of me, not ashamed. The most difficult and hardest thing for me to do was to accept and come to terms with me being gay, never mind telling others and expecting them to accept me for who I am or what I was. I was seeking religious conciliation. After several brief encounters, I would go back to my bedsit and read the Koran and then read the Bible. I even read passages from the Kabbalah. It sounds like a cliché, but I was searching for answers and forgiveness. It never came from the passages I read.
"It came from my own self-worth and being. Rather than push it away, I began to trust my own instincts, feelings and beliefs. I wasn't harming anyone. I wasn't placing myself or others at risk. I didn't query what other people did in their own bedrooms. I didn't ask anyone to lead my life for me. I made my own path and followed it."
In 1992, I met my white male partner, 21 years older than me. We shared many common interests and passions. In the early days, our relationship was discreet and a very private affair. I still held some reservations. I tried to differentiate between what was right for me as opposed to what 'religion, tradition, faith and culture' dictated and expected me to do.
Telling my mum was the hardest thing to do. It was heart breaking and devastating. When dad found out, it created further friction. Both my parents blamed each other for the way I had 'turned out'. Initially, when I told my mum that I had 'fallen in love' she queried who the girl was, asking questions about her background. I found it difficult to say that I was seeing a man but I thought to myself that I had to tell the truth. "That's just it mum", I said "The person is not a SHE but a HE!" As soon as I said those words, my mother's face dropped and she was silent for a while. I knew she was shocked and upset. She asked more questions. We found the strength to discuss the implications and consequences of my new found relationship and whether or not she would tell dad. She ended the conversation with, "If it makes you happy, then I'm happy". But I knew then that I had hurt my mum and her feelings for me had changed slightly.
Dad, didn't find out until several months later. I didn't confront him or say I'm gay. Mum told me that she had told dad and I knew dad was full of mixed emotions, mostly, I think he was hurt and angry. I think dad was more concerned about his own social standing and what it meant for his reputation within the Asian community. Being a "community leader", he didn't want the gossip at his door, stating I was "the black sheep of the family". I visited them one day and he just started to question me about my whereabouts, the people I met, and the person I was with. Then followed a diatribe that made me upset and distressed. I said I didn't have to listen to him and walked out. I didn't visit them again for a year. It’s only recently I found out that my dad, shortly after I had 'come out' had frantically tried to find me a wife and had looked to my first cousins’ daughter as a suitable bride.
Telling my mum was the hardest thing to do. It was heart breaking and devastating. When dad found out, it created further friction. Both my parents blamed each other for the way I had 'turned out'. Initially, when I told my mum that I had 'fallen in love' she queried who the girl was, asking questions about her background. I found it difficult to say that I was seeing a man but I thought to myself that I had to tell the truth. "That's just it mum", I said "The person is not a SHE but a HE!" As soon as I said those words, my mother's face dropped and she was silent for a while. I knew she was shocked and upset. She asked more questions. We found the strength to discuss the implications and consequences of my new found relationship and whether or not she would tell dad. She ended the conversation with, "If it makes you happy, then I'm happy". But I knew then that I had hurt my mum and her feelings for me had changed slightly.
Dad, didn't find out until several months later. I didn't confront him or say I'm gay. Mum told me that she had told dad and I knew dad was full of mixed emotions, mostly, I think he was hurt and angry. I think dad was more concerned about his own social standing and what it meant for his reputation within the Asian community. Being a "community leader", he didn't want the gossip at his door, stating I was "the black sheep of the family". I visited them one day and he just started to question me about my whereabouts, the people I met, and the person I was with. Then followed a diatribe that made me upset and distressed. I said I didn't have to listen to him and walked out. I didn't visit them again for a year. It’s only recently I found out that my dad, shortly after I had 'come out' had frantically tried to find me a wife and had looked to my first cousins’ daughter as a suitable bride.
"He had even been to the mosque and spoken to some of the religious leaders there to find me a 'cure'."
When I returned home, mum was emotional and pleased to see me. My parents had argued, blamed each other, and didn’t speak for ages. It seemed like a simmering pot of verbal exchanges. When dad saw me, we skirted around one another. We didn't speak. But dad just said, "Your mum tells me that you, as my youngest son, no matter what you say or do, I have to accept you as my son. But remember, you have broken your mothers heart". I realise it was like a peace offering. My parents knew, my relationship was out in the open but like the proverbial elephant in the room, it wasn't mentioned again until about two years later. Mum began asking questions about where I lived, how we lived. Strangely enough, it was at dads' insistence that, in order to allay her concerns about my health, well-being and welfare, I invited her to our one bedroom flat. It was a slightly tense and embarrassing moment when they met my partner. But the ice was quickly broken and they accepted him straight away. The highest accolade my parents placed on our relationship was when they visited us in our new house in 2000. They remarked how beautiful the home was and felt that something was missing. "What's that!?" I asked - "A cat?" "No", dad said, "A CHILD!" |
Mum practically spluttered, my partner took himself off into the kitchen and I was left speechless!
As a couple, we couldn't quite comprehend what dad was suggesting as we couldn't adopt or foster. It was not even legal. But dad informed us otherwise, stating that adoption laws were changing. Just as laws for black and gay people had changed because of anti-discrimination laws, the law for gay people to adopt would also be implemented. Dad was about 71 when he made the suggestion that we adopt, several years before it became a legal right.
My parents visiting us and suggesting adoption was a blessing in disguise. It was a complete turnaround and it meant we were accepted 100% by my parents as being in a relationship.
"Being gay and religious minded is not a crime. I have my own spiritual thoughts and sense of belonging. We are all here for a purpose and as long as we respect, love and care for one another that is all that matters."
In 2016 we are celebrating 24 years together. I’m glad I came out when I did because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have met my partner and wouldn’t have become the person I am today.
Follow Khakan on Twitter @KhakanQureshi
Khakan Qureshi is the founder of Birmingham South Asians LGBT – Finding A Voice - Birmingham’s first independent non funded social/support group for South Asians who identify as LGBTQI+ regardless of faith and culture.
Twitter: @brumasianslgbt
Facebook: www.facebook.com/findingavoice
Follow Khakan on Twitter @KhakanQureshi
Khakan Qureshi is the founder of Birmingham South Asians LGBT – Finding A Voice - Birmingham’s first independent non funded social/support group for South Asians who identify as LGBTQI+ regardless of faith and culture.
Twitter: @brumasianslgbt
Facebook: www.facebook.com/findingavoice
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