As a Nigerian, I've been exposed to homophobia by family members, friends and various people in society. The word 'gay' was spat out with so much disgust. Up until now, I haven’t fully grasped what some people have against homosexuality. I’ve heard lots of assumptions of what homosexuality entails. Sexuality itself is a very complicated thing.
I grew up surrounded by lots of women and adapted some feminine qualities from them. I wasn't sure if I was gay as I made Action-Man have sex with Barbie, but I was brought up with the notion that men can only have sex with women. The concept of same-sex relationships wasn’t clear to me. However, I remember reading Supa Strikas and admiring the male physique.
I grew up surrounded by lots of women and adapted some feminine qualities from them. I wasn't sure if I was gay as I made Action-Man have sex with Barbie, but I was brought up with the notion that men can only have sex with women. The concept of same-sex relationships wasn’t clear to me. However, I remember reading Supa Strikas and admiring the male physique.
"I thought to be romantic with a man I had to be a woman. Consequently, I spent my childhood throwing on my mum’s clothes, slipping into her heels and applying her make-up."
In my teenage years I fantasized of myself as a girl having sex with a guy I liked.
Complaints from family members regarding my sexuality compelled me to engage in sport activities. I even thought that maybe when I get a girlfriend the feelings for guys would disappear. I wanted to be straight because I knew my life would be in danger if I wasn’t. Throughout secondary school I was a constant target by bullies and I knew the world would see me as one once school was over. Suicidal thoughts recurred.
Complaints from family members regarding my sexuality compelled me to engage in sport activities. I even thought that maybe when I get a girlfriend the feelings for guys would disappear. I wanted to be straight because I knew my life would be in danger if I wasn’t. Throughout secondary school I was a constant target by bullies and I knew the world would see me as one once school was over. Suicidal thoughts recurred.
At the end of secondary school I learnt to disguise as a straight man and got myself a girlfriend. There were times I thought I’d made progress in repressing my sexuality but other times I entertained lustful thoughts of men. It took me coming to England for my undergraduate degree, and meeting open-minded friends, to accept my sexuality. While experimenting with a bisexual friend I hated that he caressed me like I was a woman as I’d spent years 'constructing my masculinity'. I attempted dating a girl but deep down it didn’t feel right. A part of me was craving a man. At twenty, I made up my mind that I was sick of pretending to be someone else. With the same enthusiasm as those who just got engaged or those who discovered they’d be having a baby I announced to close friends that I was bisexual. Some were like, “We thought so.” Others were like, “Are you sure?” and there were those who tried to convince me I was straight and shouldn’t welcome homosexuality into my life. |
From past experience they often made excuses whenever I encountered a racist and defended the racist. They expected me to have more tolerance for racism and zero tolerance for homophobia but I’ve always thought no minority is more superior and we should be fighting for equality of all.
"A major problem I had to face was being a double minority in England, being discriminated against for two things I can’t change."
When I used websites or apps to meet other gay men, I found that being black didn’t seem like a bad thing as I discovered some guys preferred black men . I complain about how superficial the majority of people on these sites are but in a weird way it did help boost my confidence as I learned to accept my sexuality as a gay man. Nevertheless it was quite hard finding someone whom I could just talk about my sexuality with and learn stuff without them turning the conversation to sex.
I met a guy this way and we were seeing each other for a month. He was the first guy I liked and it was because of him I learnt that I could spend the rest of my life with a man. I told my close friends I am certain I’m gay. My sister was the first member of my family to learn of my sexuality and she was fine with it. She asked me to be careful. Eventually, I had to return home to Lagos, Nigeria, and face my family. Seeing my friends on Facebook and noticing some characteristics, my mum began asking about my sexuality. For a whole year I denied it. I feared she’d disown me if she found out. It’s the fear that a huge amount of Nigerian LGBT people have as it has happened to so many of us.
In April 2014, my friend Junior told me about rucomingout.com. I read his story and it touched me. I read other stories and I found myself crying. I realized how important it was to come out - to know that my family loves me no matter what.
I met a guy this way and we were seeing each other for a month. He was the first guy I liked and it was because of him I learnt that I could spend the rest of my life with a man. I told my close friends I am certain I’m gay. My sister was the first member of my family to learn of my sexuality and she was fine with it. She asked me to be careful. Eventually, I had to return home to Lagos, Nigeria, and face my family. Seeing my friends on Facebook and noticing some characteristics, my mum began asking about my sexuality. For a whole year I denied it. I feared she’d disown me if she found out. It’s the fear that a huge amount of Nigerian LGBT people have as it has happened to so many of us.
In April 2014, my friend Junior told me about rucomingout.com. I read his story and it touched me. I read other stories and I found myself crying. I realized how important it was to come out - to know that my family loves me no matter what.
"One morning I woke up with a rapid heartbeat, shoved the fear aside and sent my mum a message telling her I was gay."
Several scenarios raced through my mind of how horrible this would turn out. We talked about it calmly. She asked some weird questions like who I’ve been with and my sexual preferences with guys. She worried about my safety and as a Christian she believed we could pray against homosexuality.
It’s been almost a year now and she’s still struggling with it but she hasn’t disowned me. We’re as close as we were, if not closer. Sometimes the topic comes up about my sexuality and we bicker then it ends there. Living in Nigeria as a homosexual has inspired me to write about the things we face over here. The freedom we lack and the injustice we witness. I’ve used my twitter and some online journals to rant and voice my thoughts. I’ve lost some friends and gained new ones. Coming out doesn’t end with family and friends.
It’s been almost a year now and she’s still struggling with it but she hasn’t disowned me. We’re as close as we were, if not closer. Sometimes the topic comes up about my sexuality and we bicker then it ends there. Living in Nigeria as a homosexual has inspired me to write about the things we face over here. The freedom we lack and the injustice we witness. I’ve used my twitter and some online journals to rant and voice my thoughts. I’ve lost some friends and gained new ones. Coming out doesn’t end with family and friends.
"We come out to tell people that yes, we are gay, but there’s more to us than who we are attracted to. In the end, we’re all humans."
Ethan is on Twitter - @Ethan_Regal
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