I grew up in a small town in Alaska. Everyone knows everyone and in that environment people are naturally going to gossip. People started asking me if I was gay long before I knew that I was and certainly long before I was comfortable enough with the idea to tell anybody. A common question that people ask is, “When did you first know that you liked boys?”
This is a hard question for me to answer. |
When I was a kid, maybe five or six, I would naturally gravitate towards girl toys and girl friends. I didn’t wear “girly” clothes or act outwardly feminine as far as I can recall, but I did always feel jealous that girls had prettier things. When playing pretend with my female cousin, I used to make her play the boy parts so that I could play the girl parts. When I was home alone, I would play with my cousin’s Barbie collection and when I played video games I would almost always choose the female characters. As I grew up, however, I realized that this wasn’t the socially acceptable thing for a young boy to do. I started to hide my preferences and I tried to make choices that I could see the other boys making. When you grow up in such a small town, it is easy for people to spot someone who acts differently. To this day, I am sure that this is what made me act shy and sometimes introverted through elementary and middle school. When puberty hit, things started to get much more confusing.
I started out thinking that I was interested in girls. That’s where my imagination and fantasies would go. Over time, though, I started to think less and less about girls and more and more about boys. If I saw an erotic picture of a girl and a guy, my eyes would automatically gravitate to the guy.
"Then the panic set in. I started to question myself. Why was I feeling this way? Did I actually like boys? 'Of course not', I'd tell myself."
I tried to talk myself into liking girls. Making deals with myself to never think about boys again. Only think about girls! That never seemed to do much good. I went through phases where I would withdraw from my friends or family and become sad and quiet. All through high school I denied the way that I felt. Luckily, not many people in my school dated since there weren’t many students in my school to date. This helped me to keep a low profile. I toyed with the idea of dating girls, but it seemed like too big of a leap.
It wasn’t until moving to Arizona for college that I realized that I was indeed gay. This didn’t change my pretending, though. I felt that I could still marry a girl and have kids one day. My big plan was to pretend to be straight for the rest of my life and never allow myself to be truly happy. That’s a hard thing to write down for me now, but at the time it felt like the only option. All through college I kept up the charade, even dating a couple of girls along the way. It never felt quite right and I always felt awkward and uncomfortable when I was around them while in my “boyfriend” role.
After graduating from college and getting my first job, I just tried to live my life without thinking about being in a relationship. After I had been out of college for about a year, I decided to move back to Alaska. On my last night in Arizona, some of my work friends decided to take me out partying. After some drinking and fun, one of my supervisors from work told us that she was gay and had a longtime girlfriend. This just felt like the right time, so I told the group that I was attracted to both boys and girls. This wasn’t the whole truth, of course, but it did seem easier to claim bisexuality than homosexuality. They were all very supportive, but that was the end of it and when I got back to Alaska I didn’t think about it again. |
"A few years went by, and I stopped trying to be in a relationship. I had started to think that I would just have to learn to be happy being alone."
There were some women who had shown an interest in dating me, but I mostly just avoided it at all costs. One day, however, it just hit me! Who was I hiding from? I pretty much knew that my family would be accepting. I was certain that my friends would be totally fine with me being gay. What was I waiting for? It was October when I finally decided that I was going to come out. I didn’t want to do it over the phone because that seemed too impersonal. I had planned to take a big trip over the Christmas holiday, so I determined that I would come out of the closet to family members as I saw them during my trip. That gave me a couple of months to plan and prepare myself.
I knew that I needed a support system. I had to tell my best friend and I was terrified. I knew that she would accept me, but I had never even written the words “I am gay,” let alone say them aloud. It took me days to do it and when I finally told her it was over a text. Texting is definitely not the classiest way to tell someone that you’re gay and I don’t recommend it. She was fine with it and that step made it easier to tell the rest of my family. I told all of my close family and friends during the holiday break, some in person and some over the phone. Each time that I told someone it got easier and easier. There was one person who I was scared to tell and it took me a long time to build up the nerve; my dad. When I finally called him he took the news well and was surprisingly fine with it! I know that I am lucky, but there wasn’t a single person who took the news badly.
Once everyone finally knew, the first thought that hit me was “Why didn’t I do this years ago?” I felt like I had spent so much time in denial when I could have been happy and most importantly I could have been myself. I was lucky that so many people were supportive and kind, but I know that it isn’t the same for everyone. If I could give one piece of advice it would be that it gets easier over time and that you owe it to yourself to be happy
I knew that I needed a support system. I had to tell my best friend and I was terrified. I knew that she would accept me, but I had never even written the words “I am gay,” let alone say them aloud. It took me days to do it and when I finally told her it was over a text. Texting is definitely not the classiest way to tell someone that you’re gay and I don’t recommend it. She was fine with it and that step made it easier to tell the rest of my family. I told all of my close family and friends during the holiday break, some in person and some over the phone. Each time that I told someone it got easier and easier. There was one person who I was scared to tell and it took me a long time to build up the nerve; my dad. When I finally called him he took the news well and was surprisingly fine with it! I know that I am lucky, but there wasn’t a single person who took the news badly.
Once everyone finally knew, the first thought that hit me was “Why didn’t I do this years ago?” I felt like I had spent so much time in denial when I could have been happy and most importantly I could have been myself. I was lucky that so many people were supportive and kind, but I know that it isn’t the same for everyone. If I could give one piece of advice it would be that it gets easier over time and that you owe it to yourself to be happy
"Honesty truly is the best policy; be honest to yourself and to your loved ones. You can't be the best version of you if you hide a big part of yourself."
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