Shaun | 56 | Hong Kong | Business Owner
Coming out for me when I was younger was never an option! I always knew that I was 'different' and even from a very early age too but of course at the age of seven or eight I just didn’t understand who or what I was. I can remember sitting with my family watching the 60’s/70’s TV serial The Man From Uncle and was transfixed by the character Napoleon Solo – of course Robert Vaughn but again could never understand why. I can only remember feeling somewhat tingly inside when he used to wink at the camera at the end of the episodes. I just knew I liked him! Fast-forward a few years when I went to my new secondary school in Westgate, Kent. Its fair to say that I hated school – probably because I was a sensitive type and was never any good at stuff like football and got more out of watching the girls play netball… Of course my mates thought I was just perving at the girls but I was just avoiding having to have any contact with the guys – though I wanted to, but when it came to the team captains I was always the last one to be picked for the team because when it came to kicking a ball, I usually kicked the ground and fell over successfully losing possession of the ball to the opposing side. |
By the age of 12 I knew I was different but still never 100% certain that I was homosexual. I didn’t even know what a homosexual was never mind being one!
"School was awful for me but by the time I was 14 I knew my attraction was for boys."
We had a couple of really hunky lads in my class and I was always in awe of them. Two were particularly handsome and were the envy of many of the lads in the class for being tall (for their age) and very lithe and fit. Of course they never spoke to me unless it was for help in homework or something else that never involved sports. In the end, my sports master just never bothered even putting me forward for any ball games… I became a linesman or an equipment monitor – that suited me no end. It meant I could stand on the sidelines and watch Kevin or Mark do their stuff on the field. I still had to endure public shower time though and that I REALLY hated as it meant getting naked with everyone and that at the time was mortifying.
When I left school for college to get my City & Guilds, education was much more bearable and we were treated like adults which of course although still thoroughly wet behind the ears we were! I went to Thanet Technical College to learn how to cook. My dad had insisted that we (all my brothers and I) had a trade. Whatever we did after that didn’t matter, but we had to have a trade to fall back on. My dad had passed away just before my 16th birthday so my middle and slightly later teens were hard trying to help support my mum and my 11 year-old brother George. My four older brothers were all in full time work and had moved away. I had decided that by the age of 18, I wanted my mum to know about my private life but like starting a diet, it was always going to be, “oh I’ll do it tomorrow”, kind of scenario.
I left college with my qualifications and went out into the big wide world. I ended up cooking in a gentleman’s club in London but that didn’t last long as I hated being touched-up and man-handled by some of these very predatory and quite sickening older men. I plumped instead for hospital catering, which brought me back home to Kent and some awkward questions from my mum as to why I had left. I was about to tell my mum when she blurted out that she thought my older brother who was in the army was a 'poofter'! I was horrified that my mum may be homophobic… she wasn’t of course, she just used terminology that was around at the time. Les eventually got married and had children and my mum never mentioned it again. She often spoke of my cousin Alan being gay and that he should be pitied for being 'like that' but she loved Alan and we all got on very well. She meant well, but she just wasn’t good at articulating what she meant.
Over the ensuing years, I had had a few experiences with guys as well as women. I guess I was like so many before me trying to ‘conform’ to what was considered normal.
When I left school for college to get my City & Guilds, education was much more bearable and we were treated like adults which of course although still thoroughly wet behind the ears we were! I went to Thanet Technical College to learn how to cook. My dad had insisted that we (all my brothers and I) had a trade. Whatever we did after that didn’t matter, but we had to have a trade to fall back on. My dad had passed away just before my 16th birthday so my middle and slightly later teens were hard trying to help support my mum and my 11 year-old brother George. My four older brothers were all in full time work and had moved away. I had decided that by the age of 18, I wanted my mum to know about my private life but like starting a diet, it was always going to be, “oh I’ll do it tomorrow”, kind of scenario.
I left college with my qualifications and went out into the big wide world. I ended up cooking in a gentleman’s club in London but that didn’t last long as I hated being touched-up and man-handled by some of these very predatory and quite sickening older men. I plumped instead for hospital catering, which brought me back home to Kent and some awkward questions from my mum as to why I had left. I was about to tell my mum when she blurted out that she thought my older brother who was in the army was a 'poofter'! I was horrified that my mum may be homophobic… she wasn’t of course, she just used terminology that was around at the time. Les eventually got married and had children and my mum never mentioned it again. She often spoke of my cousin Alan being gay and that he should be pitied for being 'like that' but she loved Alan and we all got on very well. She meant well, but she just wasn’t good at articulating what she meant.
Over the ensuing years, I had had a few experiences with guys as well as women. I guess I was like so many before me trying to ‘conform’ to what was considered normal.
"I even considered marriage myself but in the back on my mind it never felt right with girls and I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted."
My mum in her years at AVRO Lancaster was also a big band singer with a famous Orchestra and I guess some of that music scene rubbed off onto me. I had always enjoyed live theatre and went in for a couple of talent shows which although was good experience wasn’t for me. A bit soul destroying so I got myself an agent and was fortunate enough to get quite a lot of work touring with seaside shows and getting to work with a good many of today’s stars. It totally opened up my horizons of what being gay was about and I met some delightfully nice people as well as some very spiteful bitter queens! I’m pleased to say that these days things do seem more relaxed about being gay except there are still some idiots out there who think its OK to bully and physically abuse those amongst our community some of whom are less fortunate to live in a free country.
"I never did tell my Mum that I was gay. She died when I was 31 and although I since found out that in her own way she knew, she never mentioned it to me either."
Maybe that was just the way it was meant to be but if there was one regret at the time I had, it was that I had never mentioned it to her. I no longer feel as guilty as I did because I had it on good authority that actually she knew and her comments through a good family friend was that all she wanted for me was that I would one day be happy and content with the person that I am.
I met some lovely people in Television and Radio and theatre and although I never 'made it big' I had a great time for almost 20 years working in that field alongside a business that my older brother and I had set up some years before that allowed me to travel and experience so much more globally.
It was a good few years later that the family all got together for a Saturday lunch at our local carvery and my remaining brothers were all there with their spouses and children and it was evident that one of my older Brothers Les was having a tough time battling against a gambling issue. I said remaining brothers as I had had five making six of us in all! Barry was the eldest and he kind of knew I was gay as at a family gathering some years before I’d gone to hug him and he kind of pushed me away saying he didn’t like to be hugged by a grease monkey! That hurt and the fact that we were not that close just made it easier for me to not really keep in touch with him. That was until he died after a short illness and it later transpired that he’d held me in high regard – I just wish he’d have found a way to be more approachable.
It was difficult growing up with five heterosexual brothers but when as I'd mentioned above that Les was having some gambling issues I took it upon myself to try and help him realise his issue. So after the carvery lunch thingy, I suggested he came over the next day, as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. He did but he thought it was I who had a problem and so was there promptly on the Sunday. I made a coffee and we sat down to talk about 'my' problem when I told him that my problem was his gambling and I wanted to help.
He said that I wouldn’t understand the pressures he was under and that gambling took his mind off of those pressures. I don’t know what possessed me to say it but I just blurted out that having five straight brothers WAS a problem when you’re a gay man in his 40’s trying perhaps to conform.
He looked at me, guffawed with laughter and said, “Have you just come out to me”? I said yes, I suppose I have. He just looked at me and said, "we’ve all known for years that you’ve been on the other bus!" So instead of me shocking him into an admission that he had an issue, he rather took the wind completely out of my sails.
He asked me if any of the other boys knew with me having told them and I said I’d never admitted it to anyone. I didn’t cry, but I felt a complete mixture of feelings from relief interspersed with have I done the right thing to total panic thinking that I hadn’t. Les (in his own way) used my news I rather think to take the spotlight off of him and he promptly told all my brothers of my 'outing'.
I have to say, they have all been fantastic and when being asked why they had never mentioned it, they have all said quite separately that it wasn’t their place to question my lifestyle but for me in my own time to tell them. When I came out to Les, I was 47 and if there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it’s that I left it way too late to tell anybody. When my dad died, he told us to try and go through what is such a short life without having any regrets – and I have none really except, I wish I had come out much much sooner as I think I would have been happier about myself much earlier in life. I’m not saying I’m unhappy now, but I feel I’ve missed out somewhat on meeting my Mr Right through being more open and honest.
I dare say, and having read so many other coming out stories, that mine is going to be viewed as like so many that have gone before. However, in writing it, I genuinely hope that my experiences of having a loving and close relationship with all my family (now) will assist and help those who find themselves in similar situations as mine.
In closing, do what YOU feel is right, because we ARE only here for such a short period of time and we all need to make the most of it. Love and hugs to you all.
Follow Shaun on Twitter @shaunyr01
I met some lovely people in Television and Radio and theatre and although I never 'made it big' I had a great time for almost 20 years working in that field alongside a business that my older brother and I had set up some years before that allowed me to travel and experience so much more globally.
It was a good few years later that the family all got together for a Saturday lunch at our local carvery and my remaining brothers were all there with their spouses and children and it was evident that one of my older Brothers Les was having a tough time battling against a gambling issue. I said remaining brothers as I had had five making six of us in all! Barry was the eldest and he kind of knew I was gay as at a family gathering some years before I’d gone to hug him and he kind of pushed me away saying he didn’t like to be hugged by a grease monkey! That hurt and the fact that we were not that close just made it easier for me to not really keep in touch with him. That was until he died after a short illness and it later transpired that he’d held me in high regard – I just wish he’d have found a way to be more approachable.
It was difficult growing up with five heterosexual brothers but when as I'd mentioned above that Les was having some gambling issues I took it upon myself to try and help him realise his issue. So after the carvery lunch thingy, I suggested he came over the next day, as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. He did but he thought it was I who had a problem and so was there promptly on the Sunday. I made a coffee and we sat down to talk about 'my' problem when I told him that my problem was his gambling and I wanted to help.
He said that I wouldn’t understand the pressures he was under and that gambling took his mind off of those pressures. I don’t know what possessed me to say it but I just blurted out that having five straight brothers WAS a problem when you’re a gay man in his 40’s trying perhaps to conform.
He looked at me, guffawed with laughter and said, “Have you just come out to me”? I said yes, I suppose I have. He just looked at me and said, "we’ve all known for years that you’ve been on the other bus!" So instead of me shocking him into an admission that he had an issue, he rather took the wind completely out of my sails.
He asked me if any of the other boys knew with me having told them and I said I’d never admitted it to anyone. I didn’t cry, but I felt a complete mixture of feelings from relief interspersed with have I done the right thing to total panic thinking that I hadn’t. Les (in his own way) used my news I rather think to take the spotlight off of him and he promptly told all my brothers of my 'outing'.
I have to say, they have all been fantastic and when being asked why they had never mentioned it, they have all said quite separately that it wasn’t their place to question my lifestyle but for me in my own time to tell them. When I came out to Les, I was 47 and if there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it’s that I left it way too late to tell anybody. When my dad died, he told us to try and go through what is such a short life without having any regrets – and I have none really except, I wish I had come out much much sooner as I think I would have been happier about myself much earlier in life. I’m not saying I’m unhappy now, but I feel I’ve missed out somewhat on meeting my Mr Right through being more open and honest.
I dare say, and having read so many other coming out stories, that mine is going to be viewed as like so many that have gone before. However, in writing it, I genuinely hope that my experiences of having a loving and close relationship with all my family (now) will assist and help those who find themselves in similar situations as mine.
In closing, do what YOU feel is right, because we ARE only here for such a short period of time and we all need to make the most of it. Love and hugs to you all.
Follow Shaun on Twitter @shaunyr01
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