Dwysan | 40 | North Wales | Practice Manager
I was 13 when I saw a woman on telly and felt a flip in my stomach. I was lying on my bed in my quite stark room with a small portable TV, it was cold and I felt this enormous warm lurch. It frightened me and I knew straight away what it meant, yet it took me another 17 years to accept it.
Seven years later I saw a woman coming out of a shower while I was travelling in Australia. I can remember how she looked even now and she was absolutely gorgeous and sexy. Again - that lurch in my stomach. This time though I was on holiday with my boyfriend, we had been together for 5 years and I went on to marry him.
You see, living in a tiny little village in North Wales with no gay friends the expectation is that eventually, after, study, employment, whatever - you get married and you have children. Whether you are happy or not is kind of irrelevant, that is the expectation. Well it was at that time, for me.
I was married at 23. It’s irrelevant but during my childhood, up to the age of 15 I lived an uncomfortable life with a very difficult father. Now before you say – ahhhh that’s why she’s a lesbian, I really believe it is not. I really like men, the good ones. He wasn’t, he was violent, he was a tyrant and he made our life hell. I really like men, the good ones. He wasn’t, he was violent, he was a tyrant and he made our life hell. The point is when I met my husband, he was the opposite and I felt ‘lucky’ because he wasn’t violent. I felt ‘lucky’ because he was kind.
He really is a fabulous person and I’m entirely grateful and happy that he is now remarried and has a lovely son. I’m also entirely made up that I attended his wedding the year before last and inadvertently had the first dance with him at the Kayleigh (long story!). At 27 and 29 I had two amazing children. At 30, I began to feel desperate. My husband was the only person I had ever confided in about my feelings towards women and like most men I guess he found it quite sexy; I don’t think he really took me seriously.
"He didn’t know that in my head, despite never being unfaithful to him in our 13 years together, I was desperate to feel the touch of a woman, desperate."
At 30 I left him. The most awful thing I have ever done, he loved me entirely and I utterly broke his heart. I still didn’t really accept that it was because I was a lesbian. I even had one more fling with another man. But then I met her. In fact I had already met her; I had known her for ten years and she had intrigued me for that time as she was one of the first people that I knew and had become friends with that was a lesbian. However she was with another. But it got the better of us and an awful torrid affair began and lasted far too long.
"The first time I lay with her I felt in the most cliché way ever that I was me; the female touch on my skin, being together, I never looked back."
Five years ago, at 35, I met the girl of my dreams and girls of your dreams mean you have to be honest with those around you otherwise dreams can die. So I Came Out – to my mum (she was very relieved as she thought I was going out with her 58 year old male neighbour – why? No idea). I came out to my kids; they were six and eight and they were amazing. My daughter is a raving activist these days at 14 and I am so so proud that I cry as I write this. I came out to my brother; I had to write to him although I love him so much and we are extremely close I couldn’t tell him face to face. He text me and said – 'alright lezza?' I laughed out loud. I came out to my friends, my ex husband (properly), my family, my Nanna - the only negative experience. My Nanna didn’t accept it at first but now I know she was just worried for me. She died in December and I’m glad we had peace around it. She welcomed my girlfriend into her home and it leaves me proud that I can say nobody that I came out to made it difficult. It was a relief but also I was angry with myself. I waited 22 years and it wasn’t scary after all. Of course I can’t regret, I had two wonderful children, but I wish I hadn’t caused myself and others so much angst. Living a double life isn’t fun for anyone.