Lucas | 26 | Derby, England | Retail Manager
I wasn’t sure how to start my ‘Coming Out’ story. I guess I should go with the flow and hope you all enjoy it. I’m Lucas, 26 from Derby. I’ve spent most of my life growing up in Burton-Upon-Trent and Derby. A twitter fanatic! I don’t tweet too much. (Looks at tweet count) Ok I do. Oops! I’ve been thinking of writing my own story for some time after being inspired from the other stories I’ve read. I’ve known from a young age I was gay, probably from the age of seven. I remember having crushes on three guys, particularly one of them. His name was Ian. I can’t remember what school year I was in, mostly likely Year 2. I wrote him a note saying how much I liked him. I asked my school best friend to pass it on to him, as I didn’t have the guts to do it myself. He actually took it well from what I remember. That’s probably as close as it went to telling a guy I liked them from a young age. But back then I didn’t know what ‘gay’ was, or what it meant. "There was one time someone called me gay and I burst into tears. I didn’t know what it meant, but I was hurt being called names." |
I can’t remember whether I asked my parents, or whether I went on the internet to find out what gay meant. But I knew what it meant sometime before I went to secondary school. I wasn’t very confident at primary or secondary school. I was teased throughout my school life - bullied, victimised. I was always asked if I was gay and would always deny it because I didn’t want to face the repercussions. I was fearful. Even now, I sometimes still fear what people will say to me if I say yes. It’s a normal human instinct to have I guess. I was fearful at school, fearful of bumping into the bullies, fearful of being tripped, called names. You could say I wasn’t a very popular student back at school. I kept my head down and got on with most of the work. I almost moved schools because the bullying had gotten worse and it came to a point where my parents went to a school parents evening and told my tutor I was being bullied and how it was affecting me.
I didn’t enjoy going to secondary school but I decided to stay. Looking back I don’t regret that decision. I didn’t want to leave because all my friends were there and there’s that word again, ‘fearful’ of going to a new school and making new friends. Was I going to be bullied at this school? A lot of things went through my mind. Making new friends wasn’t always easy. I had very low self-esteem, confidence issues and I was incredibly sensitive. Even the slightest bit of teasing and I would get upset. My friends were mostly girls - I had hardly any male friends. It was pretty hard to pretend I wasn’t gay at secondary school, because I knew most of them knew I was. I never had girlfriends. I pretended to fancy girls like Rachel Stevens, Holly Valance and Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.
Being gay at secondary wasn’t really acceptable, mostly guys making snide comments of gay men. I remember there was an openly gay student called Jack who I wasn’t friends with but he was highly spoken about by many of the girls in school. A few of the male students often teased him over his sexuality. Not directly towards him I may add, but hearing the words was often uncomfortable to hear. I didn’t dare speak up and stand up for him, because I was fearful of what they would say to me. After leaving secondary school I don’t know what happened to Jack, but I often found him inspiring. Seeing Jack's reaction to a lot of the guys, I felt I had to toughen up and act in a way so I wouldn’t get the unwanted attention and pretend to be like the other guys in school. Leaving secondary school was the best thing that happened to me. "Despite my experience at school I left with good grades, a lot higher than predicted. Though if I had a more pleasant experience, I knew I could have done a lot better." The moment I left school and started college, my life changed completely. I was a lot happier, I had gotten a job and was building new friendships at college and at work. I became more confident in myself and my self esteem grew. I was no longer quiet and I felt I started to find my voice. Most importantly, the bullying had stopped. I hadn’t seen or heard from the bullies since I left school. But I was still looking over my shoulder, living in fear and still a sensitive soul. I knew I was gay, but still kept it a secret at college.
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I didn’t know many openly gay students, but it felt like being gay/lesbian was more acceptable. Even at work, it was very relaxed. Nobody cared whether you were gay or straight and I found it very comforting. It made me more comfortable to work in an environment where no one cared of your sexual orientation. MySpace had also been launched and became the big social media website for everyone to sign up to. Even your favourite artists were using MySpace to promote their music. Mostly everyone I knew had it and it was also the start of my ‘Coming Out’
MySpace was the first social media site I signed up to, interacting with other gay guys. I was incredibly nervous and I was only seventeen back then when I first signed up. I remember when I sent my first friend request to follow a guy. Now if you're of a certain age this may bring back memories for you all when you could change your profile colour, add music to your profile. I developed a huge crush on a particular guy who has now become one of my best friends, Luke. Before I spoke to him, I checked out his profile for several weeks before I finally plucked the courage to send a friend request. When he accepted my friend request and we started interacting online it felt incredibly exciting. It was from there that I started to follow more guys online, not locally as I didn’t want anyone local to know I was gay. Luke was the first guy I ever went on a date with. Before we met, we exchanged numbers and spoke on MSN for a few weeks. At this point, I still kept quiet about my sexuality. Being the sensitive soul I was, I wasn't sure how my parents were going to take the news. I've never had a girlfriend, so there was a part of me that wondered if my parents did know or were simply waiting for me to come out in my own time.
My parents never questioned me about whether I had a girlfriend, and neither did my family. They talked about it amongst themselves and I think deep down back then, they knew I was gay. When I was having a conversation I with Luke on MSN once, my Mum caught me. I couldn't deny at this point, the conversation was pretty clear on screen. Nothing really bad, just to clear that up, but there and then I came out to my Mum as bisexual. There was no way of denying it, I couldn't make anything up or blame someone. But I wasn’t sure how she was going to take the news if I came out as gay. Mum said, ‘I kind of knew to be honest’, and said that her and dad often wondered when I was going to ‘come out’. To me this was a huge relief. But I asked her to keep quiet and not say anything to dad. I wasn’t ready for him to know just yet. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take the news. He’s a very proud man.
At 17 when I tried to come out, it was after I went on the date with Luke and I thought I ought to tell my parents. Dad wasn't very accepting of it. He was very much 'you're either gay or you're straight' and his opinion on gay men was very low. We weren't very close back then. I didn't play football; I wasn't into Formula 1 or have any interest in 'lad' stuff. We didn't have a lot in common. I was more bothered about when Girls Aloud's next single or album release was than knowing the latest football result. The only common interest we had was Mitsubishi cars. Because of my Dads attitude towards gay men, I said I was 'straight' and I immediately deleted off all the guys I spoke to on MySpace and didn't have any contact with any gay guy for two years. It broke my heart and I think now, if I was as strong back then as I am now how I could have done things differently. Though I still kept sneaking on MySpace checking out the guys. "But with my dad's attitude towards gay men, I felt I had to act in a way so that he wouldn’t question my sexuality." |
I remember being on the bus to Derby to meet Luke. We had a drink and a bite to eat. It didn't work out for us though but Luke has become an incredible friend. We still talk about it now how we met, laughing and joking about it. MySpace also introduced me to my first boyfriend Daniel just when I turned 18. I kept him a secret from my parents, but eventually told my Mum about him. We were going to stop over in a hotel for the night and I couldn't make anything up as I was so excited. I'd been over to his place a few times as it was easier, we could spend some time together. It didn’t work out for us though. I got very nervous as the time went on that my friends would find out. But I also became uncomfortable because I still hadn’t come out. I decided to end things with Daniel, even though I still liked him a lot.
Social Media was a great way for me to create new friendships, dates or relationships, or even simply just to chat. It really boosted my confidence and my self-esteem grew. But I still remained sensitive and couldn’t openly discuss my personal life in public. When I discovered a new dating site it was probably the first site I actually pressed the button to say 'Interested in Men'. That for me was a big stage in my life of 'coming out' publicly, knowing I hadn't told many of my friends or even to my dad again. In May 2008 I had a conversation with my mum and told her I was gay. She was incredibly supportive as she had been before when I said that I was bisexual. Coming out to my dad was very different. It was the September that year and we were in the kitchen. I can't remember the exact conversation we had but he turned round to me and said, 'you are what you are'. To which I turned round to Mum and said, 'does he know? Has he accepted me?’ Even though he accepted me it still took him a while for him to really come to terms with my sexuality. To skip a few years ahead, last year (2014) he spoke of his reasons why he struggled and he explained, 'my vision was you having a wife and children. I was going to be a grandad.' He struggled to adjust to the life I was going to have instead. Now we’re much closer than we were a few years ago and I thanked him for explaining his reasons. It made me understand that many other parents out there probably also had a vision of what their children were going to be grown up as. Now they are faced with a very different vision for their son or daughter, which will take time to get used to.
So I came out twice. But even though I came out at 20 to my parents and a few friends, I was still very fearful of what the rest of the family would think. Fearful of what my friends and colleagues would say. But when I did come out the answer I got was, ‘we already knew’ or ‘it’s about time’ and they were incredibly supportive. I thought to myself, ‘why did I not do this sooner?’ I remained sceptical about the gay scene. There was a part of me that really wanted to explore it and the culture but part of me feared of getting caught. There was a deep desire to explore it, but I never spoke about it to my friends. I kept saying that I wasn’t interested in having gay friends.
"For those few years I struggled to be open with others and more importantly, to accept myself. I was very mindful of what people thought of gay men and what they thought about me. And there’s that word again - fear. I was always afraid of what people would think of me."
To skip a few years, I signed up to Twitter. At the time, it was the new social media site that everybody was signing up to and a way to interact with high profile names. I never really understood it up until the last two years; I don't think many people did and some probably still don't! I started to interact with other Twitter users and I began building friendships and interacting with followers. It reminded me of MySpace but a better version this time round.
Twitter has somehow brought me out of my comfort zone and helped me build many friendships from the Tweet meets. It has made me more confident about myself, more open with myself and allowed me to be proud of who I am. It was also the time I started working in Derby after working in Walsall for almost a year. I didn’t know whether it was because I was in a more comfortable environment where I could be open with myself or because of the new friendships I’d built. Making new gay friends brought out my confidence to be open.
During my first time in Soho, London I was incredibly excited. I was late to the cool stuff - I only explored Canal Street in the November 2013. I always say ‘I’m late to the cool stuff’ and I probably will be for the next few years. I’m still finishing off my boxset of Absolutely Fabulous as I’m typing this! Last year when I explored the London gay night life for the first time, I loved it! Staying out until 5am is completely out the norm for me! Let’s just say that in Derby you’re in bed waaaay before 5am. It might have taken me all this time but within the last two years, I have accepted it myself and can say, I’m gay.
Twitter has somehow brought me out of my comfort zone and helped me build many friendships from the Tweet meets. It has made me more confident about myself, more open with myself and allowed me to be proud of who I am. It was also the time I started working in Derby after working in Walsall for almost a year. I didn’t know whether it was because I was in a more comfortable environment where I could be open with myself or because of the new friendships I’d built. Making new gay friends brought out my confidence to be open.
During my first time in Soho, London I was incredibly excited. I was late to the cool stuff - I only explored Canal Street in the November 2013. I always say ‘I’m late to the cool stuff’ and I probably will be for the next few years. I’m still finishing off my boxset of Absolutely Fabulous as I’m typing this! Last year when I explored the London gay night life for the first time, I loved it! Staying out until 5am is completely out the norm for me! Let’s just say that in Derby you’re in bed waaaay before 5am. It might have taken me all this time but within the last two years, I have accepted it myself and can say, I’m gay.
"I can be myself and not care what people think about me. When I’m walking down the street, having an open discussion with my friends about life or who the hot guy was walking past us."
Social media, especially Twitter, has helped me become the person I am today and introduced me to the amazing friendships I have built in the last two years. I attended RUComingOut’s 2nd Birthday Event last year in March. I met some lovely guys there and met Wayne, the Founder of RUComingOut. An amazing guy! I will always be grateful for what I have and if you’re still reading this, whoever you are – thank you! It doesn’t matter how long it takes you or what age you are when you come out.
Coming out can still be a big deal to some people. In my opinion though, it's about accepting yourself. I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
Follow Lucas on Twitter @lucasupton
For information on how to stay safe when using social media and the internet, click here to download the free Staying Safe Online Guide from Stonewall.
Coming out can still be a big deal to some people. In my opinion though, it's about accepting yourself. I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
Follow Lucas on Twitter @lucasupton
For information on how to stay safe when using social media and the internet, click here to download the free Staying Safe Online Guide from Stonewall.
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