Lisa | 35 | London, England | Metropolitan Police
So I guess I was around five years old when I realised I liked girls in the same way I thought I was supposed to like boys. Even at that age I decided not to tell anyone because I thought I would get into trouble. I remember we would play kiss chase in the play ground at school. "I would keep enough space between me and the boys so they could not catch me, but enough space between me and the other girls so it felt like I was chasing them." I never caught and kissed any of them though! I was the best tomboy I knew, I never wore dresses, I would climb the highest trees and play football. I lived (as I still do now) to show the boys how it is done!
I then moved up to middle school where I still decided it was best not tell anyone how I felt. As I grew older I became more certain of my feelings but I had boyfriends. I did this because I wanted to fit in and not be different. I remember watching Eastenders and there was a gay character on there. I remember thinking that he was exactly like me but he liked boys. For the first time I heard the term 'gay' and realised there were other people like me out there. I always thought there were, but this confirmed it for me. |
I then moved up to secondary school, again still not telling anyone that I was gay. I had a boyfriend called Lee who I felt great affection for but I did not fancy one bit. Zoe was the girl for me. She was older than me and was one of the cool girls which I never was I can assure you! When I was in my last year of secondary school I met a girl called Leanne. She changed everything!!!!
"When I first met her I looked into her eyes for way longer than I should have, but she was looking at me too."
It was weird in that moment we had this connection and I wondered if she was like me. It turned out she was and Leanne and I then became close friends and then girlfriends. We would stay over each others houses every Friday taking it in turns. One Saturday morning my mum walked into my bedroom without knocking and found Leanne and me naked in bed together. I pulled the covers over us, my mum collected up my washing and walked out my room without saying a word. I just wanted the bed to swallow me up. We then dropped Leanne home. On the way back my mum said, “Leanne can’t stay over anymore.” I just said, “OK”.
A few weeks later my younger brother came home drunk (please bear in mind I’m around 17 at this point, yes I did say younger!) as he was stumbling up the stairs I remember saying to my mum, “how come he can have girls stay over?” I still to this day remember exactly what my mum said to me - “because it is disgusting and I wont have it under my roof!” By this time I had come out to a few friends at college who were fine with me and excepted me for who I really was (which felt great by the way). This was the first homophobia I had come across and it was from my own mother. |
A few years later and while I was still going out with Leanne I had an opportunity to move to London. I wanted to do this as Leanne would soon be moving there. The day before I moved my mum asked me why I was moving? I told her it was because she wouldn't let me be the person I needed to be.
I moved to London and lived above a gay pub. My mum and dad came to visit and loved the gay guys that I lived with, who I affectionately called my gay dads. This was a great time in my life I was surrounded by gay people and I was going out to gay pubs/clubs. I was finally comfortable with who I was. It felt normal for the first time and I didn’t feel like the odd one out. Even though I was with Leanne we kept our relationship a secret, as she did not want to tell her friends. It felt great that I could finally be open about who I was.
Things didn’t work out at the pub or with Leanne and me. So I moved home with the plan of moving back to London one day as a police officer. When I moved back things were different with my family. It was like my mother had finally accepted me for who I was. I think she figured if she didn’t I would move away and she would never see me again. I soon met a new girl called Stella who my family accepted as my girlfriend and was allowed to stay over in my bed. Since then my family are fine with me being gay and are open about it with other people.
I now live in London and I am a police officer living the dream. I don’t think you have to run away from your family to make them come to terms with who you are. I think it just takes time. Which I’m sure if I had stayed in Southampton it would have been all my mother would have needed to come around to the idea of me being gay. I do regret not having sat down and had “the chat” with my family. But on the other hand I just don’t know how I would have started the conversation.
I moved to London and lived above a gay pub. My mum and dad came to visit and loved the gay guys that I lived with, who I affectionately called my gay dads. This was a great time in my life I was surrounded by gay people and I was going out to gay pubs/clubs. I was finally comfortable with who I was. It felt normal for the first time and I didn’t feel like the odd one out. Even though I was with Leanne we kept our relationship a secret, as she did not want to tell her friends. It felt great that I could finally be open about who I was.
Things didn’t work out at the pub or with Leanne and me. So I moved home with the plan of moving back to London one day as a police officer. When I moved back things were different with my family. It was like my mother had finally accepted me for who I was. I think she figured if she didn’t I would move away and she would never see me again. I soon met a new girl called Stella who my family accepted as my girlfriend and was allowed to stay over in my bed. Since then my family are fine with me being gay and are open about it with other people.
I now live in London and I am a police officer living the dream. I don’t think you have to run away from your family to make them come to terms with who you are. I think it just takes time. Which I’m sure if I had stayed in Southampton it would have been all my mother would have needed to come around to the idea of me being gay. I do regret not having sat down and had “the chat” with my family. But on the other hand I just don’t know how I would have started the conversation.
"If I could give one piece of advice it would be to tell one person that you trust. You will feel so much better and you will have someone to support you if times get tough."
Just remember, like this website proves, there are other people out there going through the same thing as you, all over the world. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
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