Eleanor* | 50 | United States
Eleanor* is out to her family, friends, and coworkers but does not wish to be seen on this site as she feels it could result in her being fired from her job as she has some anti-gay managers. We obviously respect Eleanor's* decision which is why we have changed her name and not included a picture, but also must highlight the fact that this just shows how far we still have to go before we feel truly equal in society.
I am a 50 year old lesbian. I had my “coming out” in my mid-thirties. I had known since I was a little girl that girls and women were the gender I preferred to be around, to tease with, to get their attention, to get to know better, to try and impress. As I neared the age of 20 I knew that I only wanted to share passionate kisses and my sensuality with women and that I only wanted passion and deep kissing back from only women. But due to my fright of being ostrasized by my very large family and circle of friends I decided I needed to bury my true sexual needs and desires and date men which I did for the next ten years. The sex I did participate in during my 20’s with men was very terrible. I credit the terrible sexual experiences with men on my general disinterest in the male anatomy and also on the inability of the men I slept with to know how to satisfy me and mostly on my innate inability to connect with men on a sensual level.
Being intimate with women is so very different for me than with a man. Actually, I cannot be intimate with men. It just doesn’t happen with men on any level at all with my psyche or my body. The thought of being with a sexy, sensual, independent and confidant woman is exciting for me. The emotional part of intimacy is core to my sexual needs which I never had with any of the men I dated and never with any of the men I slept with. That deep emotional connection is so very fundamental for my sexual self. My sexual self doesn’t just crave that emotional connection but it is a deep down need that I have to have to feel fulfilled sexually. So, at about age 35, while in the beginnings of my second female relationship, I decided I was going to do my coming out and be free from the bonds of societal repression of my true self.
Being intimate with women is so very different for me than with a man. Actually, I cannot be intimate with men. It just doesn’t happen with men on any level at all with my psyche or my body. The thought of being with a sexy, sensual, independent and confidant woman is exciting for me. The emotional part of intimacy is core to my sexual needs which I never had with any of the men I dated and never with any of the men I slept with. That deep emotional connection is so very fundamental for my sexual self. My sexual self doesn’t just crave that emotional connection but it is a deep down need that I have to have to feel fulfilled sexually. So, at about age 35, while in the beginnings of my second female relationship, I decided I was going to do my coming out and be free from the bonds of societal repression of my true self.
"My coming out was not because I wanted to announce to the world that I was out and proud.
My coming out was to give myself permission to live my life and to not have it dictated to me by others.
My coming out was for me."
It wasn’t me shouting to the world “Hey, look at me! I’m out and proud!”, no, it was me confirming to myself that I am the captain of my life, steering my ship and I will not let those who hate me because of my sexuality hold me down for the rest of my life. I was discarding their hate and bigotry and I was no longer giving them power over me. I was breaking the chains that humanity encumbered me with forged out of their shame for me, out of their disgust of my natural sexual attractions to adult women, my natural attraction to my same sex.
I started out by telling family members when I was with them alone. The first was my oldest nephew. His mother is my sister. My sister and her husband had raised their children in a very conservative religious atmosphere. I am not religious whatsoever. I had gone to church with my family up until the time I had my first lesbian kiss at the age of 30 and then I stopped the church charade. I have never believed in religious dogma. I only went to church because it felt like a thing I had to do to be part of my family and also for some of the social activities. My nephew seemed stunned but I literally felt a huge burden had fallen from me right there in that room with him. The next was my younger sister at lunch. She said she didn’t care. From then on the ball kept rolling as I privately told one after another of my family. But I knew one of my brothers was not going to take my coming out very well. And he didn’t. It has been 10 years now since I told him and we still don’t talk. He and his wife have never invited me to their childrens’ baptisms, birthdays, family dinners. He completely threw me out of his life. I was afraid this was going to happen with him and my prediction was right on the money.
He still hasn’t softened and right after I came out to him, there was family tension between him and a few of my other siblings for a few years. My coming out to my parents was easy. My father had passed away from a heart attack when I was 12, well before I even thought about sex. My mother did toss out one last effort. She said to me that I would make a good mother and she hoped I would marry a man some day. She and I had a quiet moment during that conversation. She had an inkling about me ever since I was a little girl, the tomboy, her daughter that was an athlete who played softball, golf, basketball and tennis on school teams and county rec teams. I was the daughter who never played with the dolls given to me for Christmases and birthdays. I never even touched those dolls and eventually my parents stopped buying them for me as gifts. She knew.
"I told my two closest friends from school. One was surprised and the other said she had suspected all along growing up that I was a lesbian."
They are both still in my life and near and dear to me. I am not a feminazi as my homophobic brother calls we lesbians, nor am I an angry lesbian. I am a happy one although I will be even more happy when I finally settle down with a life partner. I’m ready for her to come into my life now. I am out of the closet at work, to my family and to all my close friends. My sexuality is not something I bring up but rather something I inform people of when they inquire if I am married and at this time I take the opportunity to let them know if they know any attractive single lesbians in my age group to introduce me to, to get on it. I am truly relieved that I decided to out myself all those years ago and get it behind me so that I can live my life out in the open and not be secretive and elusive to those in my life’s sphere.
"I am authentic to myself and others and my coming out put me at ease in a big, big way."
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...
