Robert | 26 | Derbyshire, England | Assistant Estate Manager
When I was about seven or eight I realised that I had strange feelings towards boys instead of girls. Of course, at this point in life I didn't know anything about being gay or even what it was. I can remember that I used to tell people that when I grew up I was going to be a girl. I think a lot of this was due to the fact that I didn't understand my own feelings and emotions and must state that in no way do I think that I was a transsexual! It was purely a way to express my emotions as a child. As I grew up and began puberty I noticed obvious changes in myself but my voice never became as deep or low as the other boys my age. That was about it for feeling different but my curiosity towards boys grew stronger. By now I had heard about gay people on the TV or from kids at school using gay as a word to insult people. This made me suppress the feelings I had but it was always there at the back of my mind. I can always remember there was a gym teacher at school, I forget his name but I used to make excuses to go near his office as I knew I could catch him with his top off or undressing. "At this point in time I had a voice in the back of my heading screaming at me telling me I was gay." |
There were a few soaps on TV with characters Coming Out as gay or discovering their sexuality and my parents always used to make it clear that they thought it was wrong. I can remember at around 14 or 15 years of age watching TV and my mum and dad asking if I was gay. I was so shocked at the time I just replied, 'I don't even like hanging around with boys so why would I want to go out with one?’ However around this time I did start to hang around with a group of lads at and discovered beer! Every Friday on the park near where I lived, a big group of girls and boys would meet up, hang out and drink. I think at this point I had suppressed my feelings towards boys so successfully that I didn't think about my feelings until I became drunk and would then get very emotional because I didn't understand myself.
I had kissed a few girls but that's as far as it went because I never felt right doing it.
At 16 I left school and started a hairdressing apprenticeship in Derby. I started to go out around the city with the people from work and most of the time used to get chatted up by men. The people from work used to ask me if I was gay and I still used to say no. I had lived in denial for so long that I just didn't know what to do.
I had kissed a few girls but that's as far as it went because I never felt right doing it.
At 16 I left school and started a hairdressing apprenticeship in Derby. I started to go out around the city with the people from work and most of the time used to get chatted up by men. The people from work used to ask me if I was gay and I still used to say no. I had lived in denial for so long that I just didn't know what to do.
At 19 I went away to be a holiday rep in Menorca where I met many gay people and had a lot of fun with guys too. I also had a relationship with a girl which messed with my head completely. I never had sex with her though as it didn't feel right but she was always up for it so I used every excuse possible not to be in that situation, or in her bed.
No matter what she did I never became excited about the prospect of being with her in that physical way. I would only have to look at certain guys and I became physically turned on. At this point I did start to tell people I was bi and when my parents came out to see me I also told them and they were completely fine with which I didn't expect. A few years went by and I went to work for Tesco. I was 21 at this point and met a girl who also worked there. She was married with two children and wanted to go out for a drink and a dance. I can remember one particular day like it was yesterday. I was telling her that I was bi and she turned to me and said, “Rob, seriously how many women have you slept with?' My response was, “Well none.” “Well how many men?” she went on. I told her that I had been with a fair amount. |
"Well in that case I would quite clearly say you were gay babe”, was her blunt but very welcomed response!
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From then on we become best friends and still are today. I started going out around Derby, she came with me to the gay bars and we had some amazing times. I'm now 26 and very happy with my life. I have had some hard times but nothing at all to do with my sexual preference. I haven't managed to find a serious relationship as yet but I am in no doubt it will come along eventually – either way, I’m in no great hurry!
Follow Robert on Twitter - @Robbieh247
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