Matt | 33 | London, England | Advertising Manager
From a very early age, even as young as nine or ten years old, I knew there was something different about me. I knew that I harboured 'weird' feelings for the same sex but didn’t really know what it meant. It didn’t scare me, because at the time I also fancied girls, maybe because it felt like the natural thing to do at the time. Where my real problems lay were at home. The youngest of six children within a strongly Christian (Seventh Day Adventist) family, I attended church every Saturday – a place where I felt, honestly speaking, I wasn’t welcome. Religion was always a bit of a conundrum to me growing up, but in short, all I felt it did was make my family hate what I appeared to be. Growing up one of five boys in the family things such as playing sports, watching sport and playing computer games were all normal to me and luckily I was good at them. However, at home TV programmes such as Eastenders where there was a character with Aids and later on a gay character, were quickly turned over should it appear on our screens. |
"I knew then that there would never be a day when I could ever admit the feelings I harboured to my family, I just knew I had to leave the sleepy Welsh town that I lived in for the bright lights of London as soon as I possibly could."
I never really had a girlfriend to bring home, but I had a lot of female friends. Questions were always asked such as ‘’Do you have a girlfriend yet? Why not? What’s the problem?’’ to which I would always reply ‘’oh Mum I can barely look after myself let alone deal with a girlfriend’’. Whilst I was working through college, I met my first gay friend who I became very close to. We confided in each other our secret, and soon enough as soon as I turned 18 we both got jobs in London. Making the move was amazing, and we had so much fun, ended up working in the same department store and lived in our first home away from home. In the year that we lived there we visited gay bars for the first time and it was exhilarating but so scary. I snogged a few guys, but that was pretty much it – I was so scared to do anything more because in my mind, I was sealing the gay deal if I were to do that, and my family and religion was always in the back of my mind.
Around ten months after our move, disaster struck for me when my best childhood friend back in Wales committed suicide, and a week later my only living grandparent passed away out of the blue. This news was too much for me to cope with, and I moved back to my parents home whilst I dealt with what had happened. I spent another year and a half back in the closet, even telling my gay friend in London that I'd ‘changed my mind’ and I wasn’t gay any more.
Around ten months after our move, disaster struck for me when my best childhood friend back in Wales committed suicide, and a week later my only living grandparent passed away out of the blue. This news was too much for me to cope with, and I moved back to my parents home whilst I dealt with what had happened. I spent another year and a half back in the closet, even telling my gay friend in London that I'd ‘changed my mind’ and I wasn’t gay any more.
I feel like I went back into myself by moving back home, and my dream to become a journalist had not been achieved. I was going from job to job, unhappy about everything in my life. This was when my loving and amazing family showed their continued support for me, and funded me to move back to London and complete a Journalism Diploma. Despite the debt I had racked up during my year in London, they offered to cover my monthly payments as well as accommodation during this course. I was over the moon and about to embark on the most exciting period of my life.
"After successfully completing this course and gaining this diploma, I met someone, a guy who I fell for and who I allowed myself to become intimate with, for the very first time." |
However, three months later, I discovered something after a couple of weeks of odd behaviour on his part. Whilst he was asleep one night I read his phone (naughty) but discovered my fears were true – during a weekend back home visiting the family, he had gone out and pulled another guy. I was beyond heartbroken, and left the flat at around 2am with a bottle of gin and walked for hours and hours crying my eyes out, really wishing I could get rid of the pain. I had not a friend in the world who knew I was gay, I had even told my only gay friend that I wasn’t gay anymore, so couldn’t turn to him. I had never felt so alone. The next few months sent me spiralling and I stopped going to work, staying in my bedroom with debts racking up all around me. It was hell.
Soon enough my debt became so bad I had to pack up and return to Wales yet again. My wonderful family who I was constantly lying to took me in again and helped me back to happiness. It was during this life rehabilitation that I met my first ever boyfriend. I was in love! We spent two years together whilst living in Wales, during which time I came out to my closest friends who were all incredible. Sat in their car on a drive around our town I just blurted it out. They all suspected. They all met my boyfriend and all loved him. My life was starting to take shape. The hardest part was not being able to share this with my family. My boyfriend wanted to spend Christmas with me at his parents home, and I ended up lying to my family saying that I couldn’t make it home that Christmas due to travel issues, so was going to spend it with friends in London. It was a heart-breaking lie, but when quizzed by my very annoyed siblings, I cracked, and told my brother who was absolutely fantastic about it all. He told me that for years they (my siblings) had all been wondering, but they didn’t want to pressure me so didn’t dare ask. All of my siblings were then informed and everyone was so so supportive. There was some grey area between us all about my parents, as nobody knew how they would react. I wasn’t confident so stuck my head in the sand and said I’d never tell them. I ended up moving to London with my boyfriend and we lived together in a flat for a year.
Soon enough my debt became so bad I had to pack up and return to Wales yet again. My wonderful family who I was constantly lying to took me in again and helped me back to happiness. It was during this life rehabilitation that I met my first ever boyfriend. I was in love! We spent two years together whilst living in Wales, during which time I came out to my closest friends who were all incredible. Sat in their car on a drive around our town I just blurted it out. They all suspected. They all met my boyfriend and all loved him. My life was starting to take shape. The hardest part was not being able to share this with my family. My boyfriend wanted to spend Christmas with me at his parents home, and I ended up lying to my family saying that I couldn’t make it home that Christmas due to travel issues, so was going to spend it with friends in London. It was a heart-breaking lie, but when quizzed by my very annoyed siblings, I cracked, and told my brother who was absolutely fantastic about it all. He told me that for years they (my siblings) had all been wondering, but they didn’t want to pressure me so didn’t dare ask. All of my siblings were then informed and everyone was so so supportive. There was some grey area between us all about my parents, as nobody knew how they would react. I wasn’t confident so stuck my head in the sand and said I’d never tell them. I ended up moving to London with my boyfriend and we lived together in a flat for a year.
"I told my parents I lived alone, and whenever they visited I would have to de-boyfriend my flat. It was horrible, for three years they never knew I had a boyfriend."
When we broke up, it was horrible to deal with but I had people around me who I could turn to for support. Years and years went by where I was, and I still remained single. I travelled Asia, lived in Australia for two years – there was no need to tell my parents despite many arguments with friends who felt I was living a lie. Fast forward to 2014 and I’m 32 years old, I’ve been back in London for two years after moving back from Sydney. Myself and my two housemates were approached for a BBC fly on the wall show called The Kitchen. We jumped at the chance obviously - it was bound to be a laugh. However, after filming had finished I was sent into panic mode – the first episode we saw prior to the live date showed me texting a guy about going on a date. I couldn’t breathe. Why did I allow this to happen? My parents were going to see this. What should I do? Let it go on and hope they don’t see it? Or tell them. I couldn’t cope with being backed into a corner, I felt so claustrophobic. The show was due to air on the Monday and it was now Thursday evening. |
After a panic call to my siblings about the show, we decided that my parents needed to be told, and now! My parents live with my brother and his wife, and he took it upon himself to sit them down immediately to tell them everything. As I couldn’t get home quick enough, I didn’t want to do it on the phone, and also I was probably a coward too, even at 32 years old. What ensued I was never able to foresee. Whilst sat shaking and panicking, not knowing if the deed had yet been done, I received a text from my dad.
Despite my parent’s religious beliefs, they knew overall, that love is so important and nothing should come in the way of that. Later that day whilst doing a PR call for the show with a tabloid paper I told them of that days events, and sure enough my coming out ended up in The Sun newspaper.
"I’ve never been someone to do things by halves, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s better late than never!"
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