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In January 2007 Ian 'H' Watkins entered the UK Celebrity Big Brother House. On the same day an interview was published in a national newspaper where he confirmed he was gay.
As one fifth of one of the biggest pop groups of the 90s, Ian had been used to living in the public eye and had been aware of the speculation surrounding his sexuality for years. So what prevented him from coming out and saying those words publicly for so long? Ian hasn't spoken in detail about his coming out experience publicly, until now. |
"When I was 9 years old I ran away from home. I took my dog Ben and a small bag. I always knew that I was different in some way to the the other boys at school but I wasn't sure how. I sat there with my dog and as silly as this sounds now, spoke to him, trying to explain how I didn't fit in. Of course I wasn't expecting any answers and after a few hours I went back home."
Ian grew up in the 1980s in Cwmparc, a small mining community, where those traditional gender roles were seemingly magnified. "My only points of reference for gay men were John Inman and Larry Grayson on the television. There were no openly gay people that I knew of in my town. It's a bit of a cliche, but I was seemingly the only gay in the village."
During his primary school years Ian knew he was 'different' from the other boy's in some way. Ian recalls an incident when he was around seven years old. "We were discussing the word cup and the different countries' flags. When I said I didn't like football my teacher called me a 'girly boy' which made me feel really exposed."
While the other boys were off playing football he was shopping with his nan and would rather watch Wonder Woman. "A lot of my friends growing up were girls. That made me an easy target. Obviously when you're nine or ten you don't really understand why that would bother other people, but it singled me out. I knew I liked boys at that age too. I loved watching the Karate Kid ! But while the other boys were perving over Elisabeth Shue I was dreaming of holding hands with Ralph Macchio on a beach at sunset ! With no one to talk to about these feelings I decided to run away with my dog Ben. We didn't go far but as I sat on top of that hill with him I talked to him, trying to work out what was different about me and why the other boys treated me differently. I remember crying and feeling completely lost."
Ian laughs at the recollection of talking to his dog on a mountain in Wales but the reality is that many young gay people simply do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about aspects of their sexuality. For instance, Stonewall research* shows that 58 per cent of young lesbian, gay and bisexual people who don't talk to anyone about being homophobically bullied say it's because they are too embarrassed. Clearly nowhere near the point of understanding what these feelings were and how he was different to the other boys in his school, Ian did the only thing he could - nothing. Things carried on as they were.
"At 14 I knew I was gay. I don't really remember the exact moment that it all clicked, but I absolutely knew by then. Knowing helped me to protect myself. I remember we used to have a school disco every week and it was around the time when Sinitta was flying high. 'So Macho' was in the charts and the opening line was. 'I don't want no seven stone weakling, or a boy who thinks he's a girl'. Whenever that song came on loads of the other kids would point at me and laugh. It made me feel horrendous. Whenever I heard it I would run to the toilets and hide until it was over. I recently told Sinitta this story!"
During his primary school years Ian knew he was 'different' from the other boy's in some way. Ian recalls an incident when he was around seven years old. "We were discussing the word cup and the different countries' flags. When I said I didn't like football my teacher called me a 'girly boy' which made me feel really exposed."
While the other boys were off playing football he was shopping with his nan and would rather watch Wonder Woman. "A lot of my friends growing up were girls. That made me an easy target. Obviously when you're nine or ten you don't really understand why that would bother other people, but it singled me out. I knew I liked boys at that age too. I loved watching the Karate Kid ! But while the other boys were perving over Elisabeth Shue I was dreaming of holding hands with Ralph Macchio on a beach at sunset ! With no one to talk to about these feelings I decided to run away with my dog Ben. We didn't go far but as I sat on top of that hill with him I talked to him, trying to work out what was different about me and why the other boys treated me differently. I remember crying and feeling completely lost."
Ian laughs at the recollection of talking to his dog on a mountain in Wales but the reality is that many young gay people simply do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about aspects of their sexuality. For instance, Stonewall research* shows that 58 per cent of young lesbian, gay and bisexual people who don't talk to anyone about being homophobically bullied say it's because they are too embarrassed. Clearly nowhere near the point of understanding what these feelings were and how he was different to the other boys in his school, Ian did the only thing he could - nothing. Things carried on as they were.
"At 14 I knew I was gay. I don't really remember the exact moment that it all clicked, but I absolutely knew by then. Knowing helped me to protect myself. I remember we used to have a school disco every week and it was around the time when Sinitta was flying high. 'So Macho' was in the charts and the opening line was. 'I don't want no seven stone weakling, or a boy who thinks he's a girl'. Whenever that song came on loads of the other kids would point at me and laugh. It made me feel horrendous. Whenever I heard it I would run to the toilets and hide until it was over. I recently told Sinitta this story!"
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What started for Ian as finger-pointing and laughing soon escalated. Stonewall research shows that more than half (55 per cent) of young gay, lesbian and bisexual people experience homophobic bullying in Britain's schools and Ian found himself part of that majority. "I was bullied both physically and emotionally. I was called names like bender and poof pretty regularly and I was hit by boys from my school. The thing is, I couldn't tell anyone about it, teachers or parents, because I would have had to explain exactly what was happening. I would've needed to tell them what names they were calling me and that would have been the same as outing myself. I wasn't ready for that so I put up with it." |
A 14 year old Ian with his beloved Labrador Ben
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With coming out not an option, Ian started channelling his energy into school, in particular Art. "I felt safe. The space was safe and I could express myself without fear of being judged, targeted or picked on. I was in the company of girls, which I liked, and I was actually pretty good at it so it became an escape for me. My Art class was the complete opposite to the Boys' Club that I was taken to where the only activities on offer were things like darts and football - not really my thing at all! Apart from my Art where I was doing really well, my school work started to really suffer. The other classes didn't offer the same safe space. I was bullied and called names so I couldn't really focus. Instead I threw all of my energy into extra curricular activities like drama group and singing and dancing."
Ian was successful in gaining a place at Art College but he decided to give up his place and become a Red Coat at Butlins in Barry Island, South Wales. "It was a new start for me. I knew I'd be meeting strangers who did not know me. I thought I would be able to start again and be myself. From my experiences at school I knew that I was able to flourish when I was left alone. Although I never came out during my time working there I did become more comfortable in my own skin. I became louder and was more comfortable using humour to engage with people."
"It was during my time at Butlins that I met my first out gay couple. They lived and worked on the site, they were extremely camp and they were happy. Everyone liked them and the reaction to them was always positive. It was a significant event for me. Although I didn't come out at Butlins, seeing that is was actually possible for gay people to live so openly and happily was a big deal for me."
Despite meeting a gay couple for the first time (who were accepted and happy), becoming more comfortable in his own skin and accepting his sexuality, Ian did not tell anyone he was gay until he was 19 and working as a hotel singer in Greece.
"I met a girl and she liked me; she really liked me! It was difficult for me because it was obvious that she was interested and of course the feelings were not mutual. She guessed that I was gay and one night, after quite a few drinks she asked me. We had been drinking for a good few hours and both of us were sloshed. We were sat on the sun loungers and she just came out and asked me. The opportunity was there and it seemed harder to lie than to be honest so I said yes. I came out to her. Then I cried. It was too much for me and although part of me was relieved that I'd told someone, I felt that I was pressured into doing so. I didn't want to lie and because of that I felt that I had little choice but to say yes. It was not the experience I needed, although her reaction was overwhelmingly positive. "
Although Ian had already started his coming out journey by telling someone, he felt that he had in some way been pressured into coming out. Feeling mortified that he had been forced to tackle something that he wasn't ready to, he still didn't feel ready to accept that he was gay. He returned to the UK where he auditioned to be in a pop group called Steps which would go on to become one of the 90s biggest selling pop acts.
"I was 20 when I auditioned for Steps in 1996 and I couldn't have prepared myself for what being in the band would bring. We were on the cover of magazines, we toured with Britney Spears and had 14 top 10 singles in the UK! It was a great time. When I auditioned and got in the band I didn't really think about the gay thing to be honest."
"I met a girl and she liked me; she really liked me! It was difficult for me because it was obvious that she was interested and of course the feelings were not mutual. She guessed that I was gay and one night, after quite a few drinks she asked me. We had been drinking for a good few hours and both of us were sloshed. We were sat on the sun loungers and she just came out and asked me. The opportunity was there and it seemed harder to lie than to be honest so I said yes. I came out to her. Then I cried. It was too much for me and although part of me was relieved that I'd told someone, I felt that I was pressured into doing so. I didn't want to lie and because of that I felt that I had little choice but to say yes. It was not the experience I needed, although her reaction was overwhelmingly positive. "
Although Ian had already started his coming out journey by telling someone, he felt that he had in some way been pressured into coming out. Feeling mortified that he had been forced to tackle something that he wasn't ready to, he still didn't feel ready to accept that he was gay. He returned to the UK where he auditioned to be in a pop group called Steps which would go on to become one of the 90s biggest selling pop acts.
"I was 20 when I auditioned for Steps in 1996 and I couldn't have prepared myself for what being in the band would bring. We were on the cover of magazines, we toured with Britney Spears and had 14 top 10 singles in the UK! It was a great time. When I auditioned and got in the band I didn't really think about the gay thing to be honest."
Lisa and H in 1988 -
Partners in crime! |
Ian split his time between London and South Wales while he was auditioning and performing at showcases with Lisa. It was during their time in London that Ian and Lisa would go out on the gay scene.
"It was my first time in London so it was my first time where I guess I could be myself or be who I was without anyone from my local village knowing the truth. So Lisa and I used to go clubbing to places like G.A.Y. and have a really fun time. I don't actually remember sitting down and telling Lisa, it was just something that I didn't feel I had to say out loud. We just had a cracking time going out dancing and clubbing and it was just something that was unsaid but know. I vaguely remember us talking about people we fancied but it wasn't like, 'by the way, I'm gay'. We have an amazing connection Lisa and I and I guess that reflects that." Having Lisa by his side during the Steps journey proved helpful on many occasions when the band would do press and media. "When we did interviews with magazines like Smash Hits and TV Hits I would always get asked questions about girlfriends and who I fancied. That was when Lisa would dive in and have my back. She would chip in and take the attention away from me." Thinking back to the press attention that Steps would get, Ian remembers the time when the band toured with Britney Spears. Not being the best of travellers, Ian often used to hitch a ride with Britney in her private tour jet which prompted some people to speculate about the nature of their relationship. "We spent a lot of time together and we did bond but obviously nothing happened! She was seeing Justin at the time anyway!" It was while under the influence of a couple of alcoholic beverages that Ian took the next step of telling two more of his band mates that he was gay. Steps were in Belgium at the time and Ian, Claire and Faye were on a night out. "The girls were great. Claire was a little taken back as she thought I fancied her! Ha! Faye loved partying on the gay scene so this just meant more fabulousness in her life!" Ian says that it was a very positive experience. "I didn't tell Lee for a while because I was apprehensive. He was the polar opposite to me. I wasn't a football loving, macho bloke. I felt like a phoney. I remember I was in a hotel in Claire and Faye's room. I was crying talking about how to tell Lee and he knocked at the door and came in." |
"Lee walked in, hugged me and told me not to worry and he had always known. He was fantastic. He was amazing."
Coming out to Lee brought the pair even closer together. Ian explains, "I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't any more so obviously our relationship got even stronger. We shared hotel rooms back then and I would joke and say things like, 'Do you want me to wash your back?' when he was in the shower! We had a right laugh!"
Ian was now out to all of his band mates and felt that a certain pressure had been lifted. However, still not publicly out he often encountered situations when he felt extremely uncomfortable when the subject of his sexuality was raised.
"I remember one occasion we were in the bar after recording a television show. We were standing around chatting with a few other guests about some of the dancers and a couple of the girls were talking about who they fancied. Boy George was standing with us and he said to me, 'You like him as well don't you? You like boys.' I was mortified. I felt like I was back at school again being bullied. I had to leave and I just went home."
Another incident where Ian was put on the spot was during a recording of the The Jo Wiley TV Show. Ian was due to appear on the show with another guest Mary J Blige. George Michael had just recorded a duet with Mary and by coincidence he had appeared in the news earlier that day. Ian and his team knew that the subject of George Michael's sexuality would come up in the show and so they spoke to the producers to make sure Ian wouldn't be asked any questions about his own sexuality. They assured them that they would't ask anything inappropriate but when it came to recording, things changed.
Ian was now out to all of his band mates and felt that a certain pressure had been lifted. However, still not publicly out he often encountered situations when he felt extremely uncomfortable when the subject of his sexuality was raised.
"I remember one occasion we were in the bar after recording a television show. We were standing around chatting with a few other guests about some of the dancers and a couple of the girls were talking about who they fancied. Boy George was standing with us and he said to me, 'You like him as well don't you? You like boys.' I was mortified. I felt like I was back at school again being bullied. I had to leave and I just went home."
Another incident where Ian was put on the spot was during a recording of the The Jo Wiley TV Show. Ian was due to appear on the show with another guest Mary J Blige. George Michael had just recorded a duet with Mary and by coincidence he had appeared in the news earlier that day. Ian and his team knew that the subject of George Michael's sexuality would come up in the show and so they spoke to the producers to make sure Ian wouldn't be asked any questions about his own sexuality. They assured them that they would't ask anything inappropriate but when it came to recording, things changed.
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With Prince Charles at Party in the Park and hugging Britney Spears
"They were talking about people being gay in the media and asking us how we think people manage to stay in the closet. It made me feel really uncomfortable because I just wasn't ready to talk about that. I came off set and went to my dressing room and cried. Although I didn't know her at all, Mary J Blige could see what was happening and she gave me a big hug and said, 'I know, I know'. She realised what they were trying to do and understood how it made me feel."
So anxious of being exposed in media interviews, Ian once faked being ill so he didn't have to join the rest of the group in an interview with Gay Times.
"I felt massive pressure to keep my sexuality a secret but I was not alone. I had a brief relationship with a member of a boyband, but we were careful and the media never found out. During my time in Steps I had dates with other singers, and actors, and some still haven't come out to this day. It's amazing that they have kept their sexuality secret all this time."
A theme that runs through Ian's story is that of him feeling pressured at various points, and by various people, to talk about or even just acknowledge his sexuality before he was ready to. In 1999, while on holiday in Portugal, Ian received a phone call saying that a UK newspaper was going to run a story saying that he was gay.
"I had to fly home in the middle of my holiday and go back to my home town in South Wales and tell my parents that I was gay. I didn't want them to find out by reading the newspaper. I felt that the rug had been completely pulled out from under me. Again, I had been put under pressure when I wasn't ready. Despite the nature of me coming out to my parents, the reaction was great."
"My mum was amazing. My dad gave me a hug and told me he already knew and that I didn't need to worry. They both knew but they just needed me to confirm it."
Due to other news breaking that weekend, the newspaper actually decided not to run the story but he lived in fear every weekend knowing that the story was ready to run.
Having come out to his parents (and later to his two brothers Jamie and Alyn) Ian spent the next few years working in musicals and shows, keeping out of the public eye. He worked hard to establish himself as a performer and when an opportunity came up in 2007 to show the public who the real Ian was, he grasped it with both hands.
Having come out to his parents (and later to his two brothers Jamie and Alyn) Ian spent the next few years working in musicals and shows, keeping out of the public eye. He worked hard to establish himself as a performer and when an opportunity came up in 2007 to show the public who the real Ian was, he grasped it with both hands.
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In January 2007 Ian entered the UK Celebrity Big Brother house to rapturous applause. Earlier that day The Sun newspaper published Ian's coming out interview, at his request. "For the first time I was able to take control of my coming out. I knew that everyone assumed I was gay at this point but it was up to me and no one else to confirm it. That's why I did the interview. I'd spent years feeling pressured into talking about that aspect of who I was, being put on the spot and made to feel uncomfortable and even upset at times. Now, for the first time I was the person in charge and it felt great! Davina acknowledged my coming out before I went in to the house and the reaction from the audience was so warm and supportive. In the house I just felt like me, I was very comfortable in there. It was a huge year in Celebrity Big Brother with the media storm surrounding Shilpa and Jade, so I didn't really have much time to think about what I'd done by coming out publicly. When I left the house, after finishing in forth place, I was greeted by cheers which was great. Davina grabbed my shaking hand and as she led my to the photographers she whispered to me that I was the first person to be cheered and to enjoy it. It felt like my own coming out party!" "In my post eviction interview Davina said that I went in the house as 'H' and came out as Ian, which was exactly how it felt. It was a major milestone for me." Ian looks back on his coming out journey and with mixed emotions, but appreciates how he's changed from that young boy who ran away with his dog for a few hours because he didn't know how to deal with feeling different. In 2011 Steps made a successful comeback on the back of a television show following the band regrouping. There was a tour to accompany a new album. Steps were back and as popular as ever but Ian realised that despite being out and happy, there would still be challenges that he'd have to face.
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Ian entering the Celebrity Big Brother House in 2007
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"During one of our dance routines on the reunion tour we were each paired up with a dancer. I was initially paired with a female dancer. It felt wrong that I shouldn't be dancing with another man. To my surprise there was strong resistance from people very close to the group when I mentioned that I wanted a male dance partner. I stood my ground and sure enough I got to dance with a man, my friend Kevin actually. The reception by the audience was amazingly positive, and why shouldn't it have been? It was no big deal."
Despite huge leaps in LGBT equality, including many legal wins for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people, Ian still encounters prejudice in the media. Recently he took part in a TV show. "I asked if I could be partnered with a male performer. The answer was, ' Erm, that's not really right for this channel'."
So what's next for Ian?
"Steps are fast approaching our 20th (yes 20th!!) anniversary! Ever since I heard that fiddle playing in '5678' I have not stopped performing. We have travelled the world, had No.1 albums and singles, sold over 20 million records, had sell out arena tours and I fulfilled my dreams of being in West End Musicals. Recently I wanted to take time out. For as long as I can remember I have said, 'I'm going to start to paint again'. Well, last year I did and I am loving it. I actually went to Art College 20 years ago but my life obviously took a turn in a completely different direction. I've just had my first sell out exhibition at Ffin Y Parc Gallery with two more exhibitions planned this year. All that time hiding in the Art room from the bullies paid off! It meant I was in a safe place and also being creative. I hate that I had to go through all the taunting and abuse at school but it's made me who I am today, and it seems I had the last laugh!
"I'll also be joining Stonewall's School Role Models Programme this year. The charity take LGBT people in to schools to talk about their experiences growing up, coming out and how they dealt with any challenges they faced regarding their sexuality. Homophobic, biphobc and transphobic bullying is still common in schools and I'm really looking forward to doing my bit to try and tackle it."
You can follow Ian on Twitter @IanHWatkins and visit his website ianhwatkinsart.co.uk
Ian spoke to RUComingOut's Wayne Dhesi @WayneDavid81 June 2015 © rucomingout.com
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