Anthony | 26 | London, England | IT Project Manager
I should start by saying that this isn't so much of a coming out story, but more of a coming out journey. The word journey implies it was a progressive path that got me to where I am today and not just one instance, so we'll go with that approach. For as long as I can remember, I knew I was different. Sure, most kids go through a stage of wearing their mothers heels and prancing around like you're Diana Ross at 3am on a Saturday, right? No? Ahh okay, perhaps that’s what gave me my first incline I was 'different'. Ever since primary school I had been friends with girls more than boys. I would later realise that this iswa probably because I feel at ease around girls, I never had to pretend to be anything I wasn't around them and I never had to be anyone but me. It was at primary school I remember recognising I was different, however, back then I didn't know enough about sexuality to understand what it was that was different about me. At that age it didn't matter anyway, I just thought whatever it was would just go away and sort itself out. |
Shortly after this realisation I started secondary school where my biggest priority was to fit in. Not because I didn't fit in anywhere else, but because that's what everyone wants. So I did just that, putting aside any thoughts of being different and fitted in. Yeah, okay, I was a little camper than most of the other guys, but then again, so were a number of the other guys that I first mixed with, some are whom are now gay. I did the usual thing like have crushes on girls, played my mouth to teachers and got into fights. It's quite funny looking back at some of those 'fights' (more like a pressured situation with a few slaps thrown) as I recall one being about someone not wanting to sing in our lunch time version of 'Stars in Their Eyes' - sorry Joe. !
"Accepting my sexuality was a difficult time for me. As much as I tried to hide it from myself, and others, it was always there."
I'd say it was during year 9, so I was around 13 or 14, when I really started to 'research and realise' who I was, which is probably also the time when I began to hate who I was. I don't recall anyone at school ever picking up on me for being gay, nothing more than the usual school 'banter' anyway. I’m pretty sure some people thought I was gay though. It was from this age that I began to hide who I was and went into some kind of 'denial state of mind' - not because I didn't know what I was, but because I hated who I was. It was this hate that I thought everyone who knew me would feel too; my sisters, my brother, my mum and my dad, never mind anyone else.
Slowly but surely I started becoming more comfortable with who I was. Back then before Facebook, Twitter and most of the other popular social media apps we use today, Faceparty was the in thing, and I guess I have alot to thank it for as it helped me get to grips with who I am. Some of the people I met on Faceparty I was able to confide in and they wouldn't judge me, becasue they too were like me. They too were finding it difficult to be who they really were. I remember one, Matt, he couldn't even say he was gay when we spoke on the phone. It's funny because I still know him today (we finally met ten years after we first spoke on the Internet) and he is really comfortable in his own skin. There were others too (many that would get blocked and deleted from MSN) but several of whom really helped me understand what I was going through. I owe a lot to them and still speak to three ‘Internet friends’. It's been great watching their journeys too.
Slowly but surely I started becoming more comfortable with who I was. Back then before Facebook, Twitter and most of the other popular social media apps we use today, Faceparty was the in thing, and I guess I have alot to thank it for as it helped me get to grips with who I am. Some of the people I met on Faceparty I was able to confide in and they wouldn't judge me, becasue they too were like me. They too were finding it difficult to be who they really were. I remember one, Matt, he couldn't even say he was gay when we spoke on the phone. It's funny because I still know him today (we finally met ten years after we first spoke on the Internet) and he is really comfortable in his own skin. There were others too (many that would get blocked and deleted from MSN) but several of whom really helped me understand what I was going through. I owe a lot to them and still speak to three ‘Internet friends’. It's been great watching their journeys too.
"When I started at college I remember thinking I would be ‘me’ more - not be open and kiss boys in the cafe, but just be more relaxed, so I was. I guess at college nobody really cares, you can be you and that's that."
A good friend of mine went to my college, which sort of acted like a comfort blanket. It was through her that I met my first gay friend (at least, he is now). I used to get so annoyed with Richard, he's camp and very out there, everything I was trying not to be, everything I wasn't comfortable with and everything I was hiding from. As you can probably imagine, Richard and I didn't see eye to eye at first, we are both bitches and I wasn’t comfortable enough to get too close to him. Looking back I was probably just jealous that he was so at ease with who he was. After Richard I met Rachael, my first lesbian friend, she was in my Law class. At the time I didn't know she was a lesbian but we slowly understood that she was - that's right, we!It was through Rachael that I would hear about gay bars and what they were like. I never visited them, I was always far too scared that I would get ID'd and loads of flamboyant gay people would laugh at me - but boy did she make them sound fun. She always used to come to college with a hangover on a Friday, actually, most of the time straight from the club (not that I'm an advocate for this) and I used to enjoy telling her off. It was during this time that I became closer to Rachael, and in turn, I became more relaxed with myself both with who I was and what I was willing to share with other people. I'd still shout at anyone who asked about my sexuality, and it was something I just didn't talk about, but at least I was feeling more comfortable with myself.
Celebrating Pride with my family
Around six months later, armed with my ID, I went to a gay bar and who better to take me than Richard. That's right, the diva that I didn't quite see eye to eye with! The thing is, the more comfortable I became with who I was, the more comfortable I became with him, not because he was scary but because he reminded me of who I really was. So off we went, into Birmingham on the number 9 bus on a Saturday night after a couple of beers at our local pub. I was probably less nervous because of the beers but needless to say, I was still very apprehensive. There are only two things that I remember from that night, the first being the bouncer advising me that it was a gay bar on the way in, the second being the bouncer saying 'I hope you enjoyed the experience' on the way out.
For a few weeks after my trip to the gay bar, I felt as though I didn't even belong there, so I didn't go back for a while. However, I did become 'myself' a little more and a few weeks later things changed. I was sat in Bingo and I saw a guy I was so attracted to, even if he was selling the Bingo books looking very tired. A good few weeks later I was on my way out to a different gay bar, even though I wasn't ready to tell the world about my sexuality just yet.
I was in the club dancing away, and there was the boy from Bingo! Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of him, I asked his friend if he worked at the bingo place and she said yes and gave me his number. He was now in my phone as 'Bingo Matt' - he's actually still in that phone under that name (his name is ‘Matthew’). We chatted and it was cool, he was a few years older than me and at first it was pretty obvious he just wanted to be friends. For me this was fine, it gave me a real entry into the gay scene, I made friends with his friends and we all became quite close over the next couple of months and who'd have thought, Matthew turned out to like me. It was at this point that I didn't care who knew I was gay. Someone once told me that once I found someone I wouldn't care about who I was or who knew and she was right. Matthew then started staying over and it was great. This is where my coming out journey really starts.
One Saturday night out I saw my sister's best friend in the club, and of course after a few drinks I wanted to introduce her to Matthew, closely followed by me asking her not to tell my sister - thankfully she agreed. The next morning, who would call? That's right, my sister, telling me that she always had her suspicions to which my response was to cry. After she told me not to cry and that it didn't matter we ended the call and I was comforted by Matthew, this was it now, the beginning of the end. Then it was my other sister's turn. A few months had gone by and I felt really bad because, a) I used to work with her and she was asking people there if I was gay (none of them knew for sure) and b) my other sister knew, and she didn't. So during one weekend away with Matthew I said I would tell her, so I did. I invited her to bingo on the Sunday night (Matthew was working) and after about five minutes I turned to her and said, "...and by the way Laura, yes I am gay." I started crying - which, from this story, seems to be a habit of mine! Then she cried too and said that she didn't care and then made quite a funny/crude comment, which made me laugh - only my sister would say such a thing! And then that was that. I pointed to Matthew in the bingo hall so she could see the boy I was in love with, and then it was over. Two of my sisters knew.
For a few weeks after my trip to the gay bar, I felt as though I didn't even belong there, so I didn't go back for a while. However, I did become 'myself' a little more and a few weeks later things changed. I was sat in Bingo and I saw a guy I was so attracted to, even if he was selling the Bingo books looking very tired. A good few weeks later I was on my way out to a different gay bar, even though I wasn't ready to tell the world about my sexuality just yet.
I was in the club dancing away, and there was the boy from Bingo! Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of him, I asked his friend if he worked at the bingo place and she said yes and gave me his number. He was now in my phone as 'Bingo Matt' - he's actually still in that phone under that name (his name is ‘Matthew’). We chatted and it was cool, he was a few years older than me and at first it was pretty obvious he just wanted to be friends. For me this was fine, it gave me a real entry into the gay scene, I made friends with his friends and we all became quite close over the next couple of months and who'd have thought, Matthew turned out to like me. It was at this point that I didn't care who knew I was gay. Someone once told me that once I found someone I wouldn't care about who I was or who knew and she was right. Matthew then started staying over and it was great. This is where my coming out journey really starts.
One Saturday night out I saw my sister's best friend in the club, and of course after a few drinks I wanted to introduce her to Matthew, closely followed by me asking her not to tell my sister - thankfully she agreed. The next morning, who would call? That's right, my sister, telling me that she always had her suspicions to which my response was to cry. After she told me not to cry and that it didn't matter we ended the call and I was comforted by Matthew, this was it now, the beginning of the end. Then it was my other sister's turn. A few months had gone by and I felt really bad because, a) I used to work with her and she was asking people there if I was gay (none of them knew for sure) and b) my other sister knew, and she didn't. So during one weekend away with Matthew I said I would tell her, so I did. I invited her to bingo on the Sunday night (Matthew was working) and after about five minutes I turned to her and said, "...and by the way Laura, yes I am gay." I started crying - which, from this story, seems to be a habit of mine! Then she cried too and said that she didn't care and then made quite a funny/crude comment, which made me laugh - only my sister would say such a thing! And then that was that. I pointed to Matthew in the bingo hall so she could see the boy I was in love with, and then it was over. Two of my sisters knew.
"I'm not quite sure how my mum found out I was gay but by this point she'd probably worked it out - there's only so many times a guy in his late teens and one in his early twenties share a single bed before the right conclusion is reached. But I knew she knew and that was that."
The last person I felt I needed to come out to was my dad. Similar to how I felt with my sisters, I felt bad that my mum knew and he didn't. It had been playing on my mind for a while and in all honesty, it was probably the coming out I feared the most. On my 19th birthday I went to Manchester with a friend of mine and I was a bit drunk and started chatting about my dad and him not knowing that I was gay and how I felt bad etc. My friend said to me that I should tell him right then. So I did. I wrote a text and told him that I was gay and that I was sorry. He soon replied telling me that he had already worked it out (because he wasn't stupid) and not to be sorry because I was his son and he'll love me no matter what. Then I enjoyed my night and woke up the next day thinking, 'oh god I have to see him when I get home'. But, that was it, nothing was different except I was able to be me without worrying about rejection. It wouldn't be until a few years later that I actually told my brother, (the other guy in the picture) but I never really hid it (or Matthew) from him. He actually used to come and chat to Matthew in my room whilst I was in the shower or downstairs. My brother is quite a lad's lad, so having him be cool with it is a pretty nice feeling. He doesn't hide me from his friends, he's not ashamed of me and loves to go for a pint when I'm back home! |
Once I had done all of this coming out, it was my second Birmingham Pride, and who wanted to join? All of them! So we all gathered at mine, a few of my brother's friends came round, had a few drinks and headed to Birmingham city centre. It will always remain a special pride to me. I have this picture that will remind me hat no matter what I thought would happen, I was surrounded by people who loved me.
Unfortunately Matthew and I broke up, it was the right thing to do and he is still one of my best friends to this date, and every time I visit home we try to have a cup of tea and a catch up. I’m not sure how things would have panned out if I didn’t’ know Matthew, so I’m glad we still get to be part of each other's lives.
Now I live in London, surrounded by all kinds of people, so the only coming out I have to do is when I meet new people, e.g. at work. And that's why my journey isn't about to end anytime soon.
"The only difference is that at the beginning of my journey I was ashamed of who I was and thought life was going to be one long drag, whereas now I'm so happy with who I am."
If someone doesn't like what I can't change, well it's not my fault and I have no time for those people in my life so I just speak my mind and wave them goodbye. My advice to anyone worried about coming out? Just do it. It's important of course that you are safe and you should always put your safety first, but if the people around you who are meant to be your support network don't like it, well unfortunately they don't like you and they have two options, 1) try and understand sexuality/gender identities more and get used of it or 2) lose you.
Ask yourself, do you really want to hide forever? Do you want someone to love the 'pretend' you or the real you? Likelihood is they will come round to it eventually, and if they don’t, there is someone out there ready to support and love you for who you are, you just need to reach out for it. You’ll be the better you when you’re just that, you.
Follow Anthony on Twitter @anthonyfranc1s
Ask yourself, do you really want to hide forever? Do you want someone to love the 'pretend' you or the real you? Likelihood is they will come round to it eventually, and if they don’t, there is someone out there ready to support and love you for who you are, you just need to reach out for it. You’ll be the better you when you’re just that, you.
Follow Anthony on Twitter @anthonyfranc1s