It seems mad when I think how worried I was about coming out, but when you're 14 years old things have a completely different perspective. I remember that my first feelings for lads became apparent when I became friends with the school 'jock'. He was intelligent, fit and everyone wanted to be his mate. |
When he started showing me the hand of friendship I realised I wanted something a bit more. I spent 18 months in turmoil with my emotions, looking forward to classes we had together and then hating 3:20pm or the weekend as I wouldn't see him. When I hit 16 I decided to take that brave step and tell him about my feelings. Back then it was the good old days of MSN Messenger - there I was, hiding behind my keyboard on a Thursday evening, about to risk everything and tell him how I felt. That '... is typing...' seemed to go on forever and my heart felt that it completely stopped when his response popped up.
'Adam I'm completely flattered but I love you as a mate and would never want to lead you on'. What a relief! Almost two years of angst and worry had been over nothing. What made the difference was that he kept his word and didn't tell a soul. That's the sign of a true friend and a gent, and I will always respect him for it. If anything he owes me - it turns out the girl who fancied me ended up marrying him and becoming the mother to his daughter, so in a way I set them up!
With that pain out of the way I decided to explore the world of gay dating and ended up finding my first ever boyfriend on a social media website called Faceparty. He lived down the road so it was all very convenient. At the time I didn't dare tell my dad what I was doing most evenings so had an elaborate cover up about revising for my GCSE's with a friend. He was none the wiser and I spent months having lots of fun after school. This boyfriend knew all about my dad already as he was working part time at the insurance brokers who looked after my dad's taxi business....what a small world we live in?!
"As the months went by and I became more comfortable with myself, I thought it was a good time to tell my mum about who I was really was." My parents had been divorced since I was six so just like I had two Christmases and birthdays, my coming out would be a two-parter too! I sat my mum down and kept the language simple. We both broke down in tears and for the first time in years I felt like we really connected. My head felt like it had been lanced and all the pressure and angst had been released. I can honestly say it was the best day of my life as I had always feared rejection. The only problem being was that she was adamant I couldn't tell my dad as she felt that he would never accept it.
Being a hormonal teenager and having a 6ft 4, scouse, ex-RAF father I was now terrified of telling him about who I was and what it was that was getting me down. Mum had truly terrified me into not wanting to say anything. Months went by with me living in the same house as him and hating him for being so bigoted and old fashioned. The sad thing was I hadn't even given him the chance to have his say. Things got to breaking point and I had to move out. At the time he never understood why I ditched everything and went to my mum's and our relationship soured. |
A few weeks into moving back into my mum's house she came home one day and found me crying upstairs. My relationship with my first boyfriend had ended with him cheating on me and I felt like I had nothing. Sitting on my bed my mum questioned me on what was wrong. She asked if me and Becki had split up. Becki was my best friend, and was a girl. Why was my mum thinking that we had ever been a couple? She had forgotten about me coming out. How can your own mother do that?! In utter shock I then had to come out to her for the second time. It was December 2006 and I had no option but to tell my dad what had been going on. As January 1st 2007 came around I wrote my dad a letter - I was too scared to do it face to face and I felt I could put it into words on paper better and then leave the ball in his court. It was about 11pm on New Years Day and I put the letter through his letterbox. Knowing how he was always up late watching films I dashed back to my car and drove all the way home. Straight to bed I turned my mobile phone off and tried to get to sleep.
Waking up at 8am I switched my phone on and a voicemail message popped up from Dad. Sweating and shaking I called 901 and listened to the message I had always wanted to hear. Crying his eyes out he told me how much he lovesdme and how he was more upset that I couldn't tell him face to face. I was his son and nothing would ever change how much he loves me. What a relief! The scariest moment in my life had come and gone without a hitch and it felt like I had won the lottery. At 9am he came around and beeped the car horn. Waiting on the driveway with open arms he hugged me so tight then called me a 'stupid nob' for even thinking that he would reject me! That day will stay with me forever as the best day of my life. January 2nd 2007 was the start of my life as Adam, not 'gay Adam' or 'that Adam who likes men' - I was a grown up and free to be myself.
A few weeks into moving back into my mum's house she came home one day and found me crying upstairs. My relationship with my first boyfriend had ended with him cheating on me and I felt like I had nothing. Sitting on my bed my mum questioned me on what was wrong. She asked if me and Becki had split up. Becki was my best friend, and was a girl. Why was my mum thinking that we had ever been a couple? She had forgotten about me coming out. How can your own mother do that?! In utter shock I then had to come out to her for the second time. It was December 2006 and I had no option but to tell my dad what had been going on. As January 1st 2007 came around I wrote my dad a letter - I was too scared to do it face to face and I felt I could put it into words on paper better and then leave the ball in his court. It was about 11pm on New Years Day and I put the letter through his letterbox. Knowing how he was always up late watching films I dashed back to my car and drove all the way home. Straight to bed I turned my mobile phone off and tried to get to sleep.
Waking up at 8am I switched my phone on and a voicemail message popped up from Dad. Sweating and shaking I called 901 and listened to the message I had always wanted to hear. Crying his eyes out he told me how much he lovesdme and how he was more upset that I couldn't tell him face to face. I was his son and nothing would ever change how much he loves me. What a relief! The scariest moment in my life had come and gone without a hitch and it felt like I had won the lottery. At 9am he came around and beeped the car horn. Waiting on the driveway with open arms he hugged me so tight then called me a 'stupid nob' for even thinking that he would reject me! That day will stay with me forever as the best day of my life. January 2nd 2007 was the start of my life as Adam, not 'gay Adam' or 'that Adam who likes men' - I was a grown up and free to be myself.
Me and my amazing friend Lana
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Feeling like I was on top of the world and with my dad's support I decided to come out to everyone, including my classmates at school. This didn't go as to plan as I had hoped. Most people seemed disinterested by it and had nothing to say on the matter but what mattered most to me was the opinion of my oldest male friend from primary school. Me and Sam had been close mates since we were eight and I was determined to tell him face to face. Turns out I had been beaten by the gossip and when I approached him about it he was already aware. It was the look of disgust on his face that tore through me. Being 'one of the lads' he decided that he had nothing to say to me and that 'things had changed'. I was in shock. After almost ten years of friendship was he really going to turn his back? Walking towards my car I can remember hearing the chorus of 'faggot' being shouted towards me from the boys. That will always haunt me. It was that Friday afternoon I quit sixth form, and threw away my education with it. I just couldn't face abuse from people who I thought were my friends. Now at the age of 27 I honestly don't regret anything that happened back then. I'm in a respectable professional job, earning a good wage and have a great network of friends. Me and my dad have never been closer since I came out - it's honestly the best thing that could've happened to us and our relationship. As you get older you learn you should never be ashamed of who you are and it's better to have a network of friends that are about quality and not quantity. |
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