Sophie | Training Officer | Hampshire, England
I guess I always knew that I wasn't the same as all my other friends, although it didn't stop me acting like them. I had boyfriends all the way through school and to be honest I over compensated. I went out with my last boyfriend Andrew until I joined the army at 16. I really liked Andrew and cried when we spilt up but I knew deep down that it was for the best because I had a secret. I was in love with my best friend I did whatever I could to spend as much time as I possibly could with her. I knew that she was straight but I didn't care I just wanted to be with her. We spend every hour of everyday together I felt like I could talk to her about anything and everything . We'll everything apart from the most important thing.
I wrote in my diary every night about what we had done that day and how I was jealous about the way her boyfriend kissed her and how I wished it was me. I hid my diary under my book case in my room and NEVER left it out EVER just in case my mum and dad came in and found it I wasn't ready for that. I came home one night and got a drink from the fridge to find my diary on top of the microwave I was in a sheer panic - OMG what had they read? What did they know? What would they say?
I grabbed my diary off the side and run upstairs slammed my bedroom door and didn't come out till the next morning. When I woke up I panicked what were they going to say to me? I got dressed went down stairs and not a word was said everything was like normal. How are you babe? What you up to today anything nice? I breathed I sigh of relief thank god my secret wasn't out.
"Looking back I know that my mum must have read that diary but chose to pretend she never did. I guess she must have known that I wasn't ready. To be honest, I don't think she was ready either."
I joined the army at 16 and knew straight away that I loved it. I could finally be myself I had my first proper girlfriend when I was 17 and knew it was time that I told the truth to the people that I loved. I chose to ring my sister and before she had chance to speak I said "IM GAY". I knew that she wouldn't be able to keep her big mouth shut so it was a cop out really but about 3 minutes later I had a call it was mum. It was a weird conversation it started with her saying "she always knew that I was gay" and then "that it might be just a phase". Whatever she said didn't really matter to me I'd done it. I'd told the truth and it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
"I'm out of the army now and have been in a civil partnership for almost ten years with Samantha. We have just had IVF treatment and I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Aria 12 weeks ago."
My mum and dad love Sam and there granddaughter and my sexuality isn't an issue to them which makes me beam with pride. Me and my best friend lost touch I wasn't sure weather it was because I was in the army or because I told her I was gay. I hope it's not the latter but whatever the reason I will always be thankful to her and will never forget my first love
Follow Sophie on Twitter - @Sophie_843