Blog Posts

A Straight Guy's Guide To Coming Out

16/2/2013

One of the biggest fears I had when I was contemplating coming out ten years ago was the reaction of my straight male friends. I knew they were great people and I guess deep down I was sure that they would be accepting but that still didn't stop me feeling very anxious about what their reaction would be.

Later on in the year I will be blogging more about the reaction of same sex friends when coming out but in the mean time here's a link to a video I made with my friends Peppe and Will. They're both straight and have a brilliant YouTube channel (BarSideView) where they talk and eat lots of food, quickly. Anyway, we all thought it would be interesting to talk about the subject of coming out to your mates, so we did!

Watch the video here or click on the picture of the three handsome chaps.

Remember to subscribe to BarSideView's YouTube's channel and follow them on Twitter - @BarSideView

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What Would Jesus Think?

20/1/2013

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"For while some are incapable of marriage because they were born so, or made so by men, there are others who have themselves renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of Heaven. Let those accept it who can."

What does this Bible quote mean? To some it would suggest that God is clearly acknowledging homosexuals and even going one step further and encouraging their acceptance. To others it clearly refers to those who are born unable to produce children. Unfortunately Jesus does not have Twitter so we can't ask him exactly what he meant in his statement. I'm being flippant, of course I am, but only for the purpose of highlighting the huge difference in society from the time of Jesus to the time we live in now. I've always been fascinated by Faith and how millions of people around the world live their lives based on the teachings of one man who lived over 2,000 years ago. From my History and Religious Studies lessons at school, I do believe that there was a man called Jesus and he did travel around speaking to the masses trying to encourage them to lead decent lives. Was He the Son of God? I don't know. Does anyone know? I'd argue that they don't. I understand that many many people 'believe' that Jesus was the Son of God but that is different to 'knowing' something surely? Well that's where Faith comes in.

To a non religious person Faith could be seen as illogical. It suggests a blind will to dismiss common sense, logic and reason. To those who have Faith this suggestion would be rather insulting. People with Faith are simply enlightened, unlike those without it. The Bible itself says that Faith is, "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11)

In Christianity, Faith is not concerned with obedience to a given set of rules; it is about learning God's teachings and understanding what those teachings mean to the individual. Clearly the Bible plays a huge role in this process which is why I opened this essay with a quote. It's a rather important quote in my opinion as it offers an insight into Jesus' teachings on homosexuality (depending on your interpretation of it). More than 2,000 years have passed since Jesus was born and society and culture has changed beyond comprehension since then. Clearly, some fundamental aspects of society haven't changed but the world in which we live in now is very different to the world that surrounded Jesus.

I'm not going to quote the numerous passages from the Bible that are often used to back up arguments that suggest hypocrisy in religion. You know, the one about not having sex with your wife if she is on her period or the one that says an adulterous man should be put to death. They are there though and sometimes are written so clearly and explicitly that it seems impossible to interpret them in any other way. So why don't those who insist that the Bible teaches against homosexuality also insist that these teachings are also upheld in our modern world? Well society would not allow it. Our attitudes have changed. There was a time when women were drowned for being accused of practising witchcraft. How ludicrous would it be for us to suggest we bring back that practice? Completely ludicrous.

I know that there will be those who are reading this now who feel that as a non-Christian I simply do not understand what I'm talking about because I do not understand God. Well I don't really care what these people think to be honest. I respect everyone's right to believe in what they want to but as soon as those beliefs (and that's all they are, beliefs) start to impact on my life and the lives of millions of other LGBT people around the world, that's when I adopt the 'I don't really care' stance. I'm a polite person, I'm a caring person and I believe that I live my life in a good way, always looking out for others and trying to make the right choices. I was born gay (there's no debate here so let's not even entertain the idea) and I choose to act on those feelings of same sex attraction, something that others may see as a sin.

The thing is I know that I live my life trying to do the best I can for my self and those in it. If God exists in a form that enables Him to judge, punish or reward, then I'm pretty confident that I'll be OK thank you. I think that life is not about what you believe or preach or challenge but about what you do. Those who use religion to mask sexism or homophobia have missed the point. If God exists in the form I mentioned then surely don't you think that he may be setting us challenges every day to test our own morals, standards and ability to show love to one another? I do. Maybe some of those passages in the Bible are examples of that; curve balls to test our ability to think on our own and make decisions based on what we feel not what we are told. He gave us the ability to question; maybe we should use it more than we do.

I always knew that this essay wouldn't be specific, tidy or particularly focused because of the nature of its subject. What I wanted to do was to simply lay out my stall and try to explain how I see my place in this world, a world where millions of people worship different Gods and have different beliefs. A world where millions of people have died and suffered in the name of religion, arguably doing what they felt God was asking them to do. It's not about being right and it's not about being wrong. Life is about doing what you think is right for you and those who you love. It's not about pleasing any Gods that may or not exist in various guises, it's about learning and growing and challenging your own ideals to ensure that you live a life that you would be happy with when it's all over.

I don't need a book to tell me how to do that but I understand that others do. I think some of the stories in the Bible are amazing and teach us so much about how we should treat our fellow human beings but surely life isn't about doing what we're told. That would be far too easy. It's about doing what we feel is right and there's a difference.

Jesus was born in a stable. When I visited the Vatican a few years ago I was astonished at the riches that were seemingly being hoarded and also displayed to the visitors. I'm sure the Pope loves to look at all of the shiny things but is that really what Jesus taught people was important? I'm no expert, but based on what I was taught in school I actually think Jesus would be pretty disgusted at the obsession with material wealth the Catholic Church seem to have. But what do I know?

I just hope that as human beings we all continue to question what we're taught and look inside ourselves for the answers, not to simply do what other people tell us to. If you're really and truly against marriage equality then maybe spend a bit of time thinking about what your views on divorce are. If you believe that being gay is just fundamentally wrong then maybe you should question why you think it is. Is it because you think that's what you should believe or is it because the idea of two men kissing and sleeping together makes you feel a bit sick. Be honest. I have straight mates who have no issue with me being gay but we don't talk about the physical aspect because it's not something they feel comfortable doing. Does this bother me? Not at all. I don't particularly want to hear about their heterosexual exploits! But I appreciate their honesty. The fact that we have different ideas of what is 'normal' in our sex lives doesn't mean that we can't be friends.

It would be impossible to live your life as the Bible suggests in every way possible in 2013. If it's necessary to adapt, pick and choose these aspects to fit life in 2013, then all I hope is that people don't let their closed-minded attitudes dictate which parts of the scripture they choose to ignore and which they choose to follow.

As always I encourage and look forward to your comments!

Wayne Dhesi
@WayneDavid81
@rucomingout

Read past blog entries by clicking here . . .

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Jodie Foster's Coming Out Speech?

14/1/2013

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A few things crossed my mind when I watched Jodie Foster's speech at this year's Golden Globes where she was handed the Cecil B. Demille award for her career in film. The first thing that took me by surprise was that she is 50 years old; she's certainly looking good for it. I like Jodie Foster and I've always regarded her as somewhat underrated. I know she's been nominated for the best actress Oscar four times (winning twice) but still, her decision to shy away from the pull of the Hollywood celebrity lifestyle has in my eyes, resulted in her often being overlooked in debates about the best female acting talent. I guess she's my female William H. Macy (if we forgive his turn in Jurassic Park 3). For years now the gay rumour machine has been working overdrive when it comes to Foster's orientation, the general concensus being that she's gay but simply not comfortable talking about it in the public arena. And why should she have to?

In a recent interview with rucomingout, Scissor Sisters' front man Jake Shears said that, "gay celebrities at least have the responsibility to come out." When I published Shears' interview I was really interested to hear what other people though about that particular comment. The reaction was pretty mixed. Many people agreed that as role models to young (and older) lesbian, gay and bisexual people who may be looking for inspiration - actors, popstars, sportsmen and politicians shouldn't waste such an amazing opportunity to show that you don't have to settle for low aspirations just because you aren't straight. Other readers of the website had completely opposite views and suggested that Shears was irresponsible and insensitive in his comments. I have to say that I could kind of see both arguments.

Coming out means very different things to all of us. Some of us see it as making a statement, being proactive in standing up and saying proudly, "this is who I am and I am happy". Other people feel that as long as there's no outright denial of one's sexuality, a purposeful lie to hide possible embarassment, then that's also a job well done. I don't think that anyone has a duty to stand up and shout to the world about their sexual preference if they choose not to, however, I do feel that if you are at a point in your life where you are comfortable with who you are then you have a duty to yourself to feel able to talk about your sexuality in relevant situations without fear or shame. However, although we've come a long way in gay equality, this still isn't always easy to do whether you're famous or not.

I have always respected Jodie Foster for not bowing down to media and public pressure and talking about her private life in interviews where she is only required by contract to sell the film she's currently staring in. Does this make her less accessible to her fans? Yes, of course it does. Does it make her less of a role model? Of course not. People should not idolise Foster because she is a lesbian. Young girls (and boys) should look up to her and admire her work because she's an amazing talent. However, she isn't an amazing talent because she is a lesbian. Foster has a natural talent (she's been working since she was three years old) and a great work ethic. She is selective when it comes to choosing her films which can be seen in her relatively limited filmography. These are the reasons why she should be admired and looked up to.

The majority of young lesbian, gay and bisexual people who may be struggling with their sexuality in 2013 won't grow up to be Golden Globe winners. They will be shop workers, Doctors, lawyers, teachers, hairdressers, builders, office workers, travel agents, engineers, charity workers, volunteers. That's not to say that our future film stars, pop stars and Olympians aren't these same people struggling with their sexual identity, but the voices of inspiration they need to hear should come from everyone, not just someone who graces magazine covers around the world. Why should Foster, Shears, Cooper, De Generes and Thomas shoulder this responsibility simply because the career they chose happens to make them recognisable if you were to pass them in the street?

The reason I respect Foster is because she used her speech to defend her right to protect her and her family's privacy throughout her career. She hasn't kept quiet specifically about her sexuality all these years, she's simply not comfortable with the idea of laying her private life out in the public domain for all to pour over. Part of me felt sorry for her standing up there on that stage in front of her peers, her family and the rest of the world. She was being rewarded for her skills as an actress not for being a lesbian and yet she felt she had to at least refer to it. It may sound strange coming from the founder of a website that encourages people to share their coming out stories with others, but I kind of wish she hadn't have bowed down to that pressure after all. She didn't ask to be a lesbian and she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. The acknowledgment of her 'modern family' and reference to her long term (now ex) partner Cyd was enough for anyone still needing that confirmation that Foster is gay. This wasn't a coming out speech because as she said, she 'already did [her] coming out about a thousand years ago'.

What Foster has achieved with that speech however is to make people all over the world look at what coming out means today, in 2013. The day WILL come when people don't have to live in the closet because coming out won't be seen as a huge shock to people. That day isn't here yet though and we have a long way to go until it is. It's great when public figures stand up and talk about being gay but it's also great when those of us who don't act, sing or play sport as a living stand up and talk about our experiences (both positive and negative) of being gay.

I would love for Jodie Foster to one day write about her experiences of discovering her sexuality and her coming out, but only because I think it would be a really interesting read. If this never happens I'm not going to think anything less of her as an actress, human being or lesbian. Everyday heroes exist around us. Since this website started almost a year ago over 125 people have written and shared their coming out stories with the world with the soul purpose of trying to make other people, who may be going through what they did, feel hopeful about their futures. I'd ask any gay, lesbian or bisexual person who has criticised Foster for being so tight-lipped over the years over her sexual preference to do the very thing they are criticising her for not doing. My email address is wayne@rucomingout.com. If you write and send me your coming out story I will publish it and it will help people. Whether or not you choose to do so is your decision and one that no one else has the right to judge you for.

Wayne Dhesi
Founder of rucomingout.com
@WayneDavid81
@rucomingout

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A Queer By Any Other Name . . . by Clare Moran

16/11/2012

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"Queers. Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, baddieboy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks..."

...Stuart Jones in Queer as Folk (Russell T Davis/Red Productions/ 2000)

He tackles the negatives head on in a scene that, despite being 12 years old, is still as powerful now as it was then. I was called 'Lemon' throughout my high school years. I have been called poof, lezzer and dyke since coming out. At the time, I laughed off the comments as I recognised the idiocy and the sad lives of the people saying them. That doesn't mean they didn't hurt. My name is not lemon, not puff, not lezzer, not dyke, it's Clare. The easiest way for someone to express their homophobia is to call someone a derogatory name. It may be lazy but it is a rather effective weapon in belittling someone.

I have a question. Has the word Queer been reclaimed as a positive word to represent LGBT interest?

I have never really had cause to think about this until recently. I have spent the last few months in the Czech Republic and while searching the internet for suggestions of things to see and do in Prague I came across a website called www.praguewelcome.com which is 'Prague's official tourist portal'. My first instinct was to browse the gay pages. I was taken aback when I saw that the gay section was headlined 'Queer'. Queer activities, Queer community, queer, queer, queer. My first and what I assumed was my natural instinct was to be insulted. Queer is a homophobic term surely? I was outraged but then I started to think about it a bit more logically There is a bar on Manchester's Canal Street called Queer. I have referred to myself as Queer. I have friends who use the term Queer instead of Gay. Peter Tatchell hashtags #Queer in his posts. Is Prague's tourist portal actually more modern and relevant than I give them credit for? Is Queer the accepted translation for homosexuality in the Czech Republic? Have I become Mary Whitehouse in my prudishness?

I emailed praguewelcome.com asking them why they chose the word Queer for their subtitle? I got a response confirming what I was dreading. I really have become old and behind the times! It was actually a brilliant email. They told me that Queer was recommended by the Czech Gay and Lesbian Society in Prague as it is an 'umbrella term' for sexual and gender minorities used all over Europe. They even signposted me to the website for the Czech Gay and Lesbian film festival which was taking place at the time. It's actually called the Mezipatra Queer Film Festival.

So my initial reaction of insult and anger has now turned into pride (and slight embarrassment). A nation that still plays Chumbawamba on their airwaves has taught me a valuable lesson in being more willing to question my opinions. I now believe it is possible to successfully reclaim a word that has previously been used to inflict so much distress and pain. Still, if I ever hear Ann Widdecombe say Queer I will still take it as an insult!

How do you feel when you hear the word Queer? Do you think that it is possible for groups to reclaim words that have previously been used to insult them? Is language even important?

I'd love to hear your comments. Please use the comments facility which you will find below.

Follow me on Twitter - @Klaramoranova

If you wanted to revisit the amazing Queer As Folk you can buy the DVDs here on Amazon.

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I Finally Understand Gay Conversion Therapy!

30/10/2012

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Last night I watched a documentary on the British channel BBC Three about the controversial subject of Gay Conversion Therapy. The programme caused an outpouring of anger, frustration and above all disagreement amongst gay, lesbian and bisexual people on Twitter, Facebook and other social media. I was angry. I was frustrated. However, I found myself beginning to finally understand the concept of GCT. I've always thought that the idea was to 'switch off' someone's sexuality and for people who were going through the process to 'learn' how to fancy the opposite sex. I was wrong.

We were shown a 17 year old boy who had same sex attractions. In other words he was gay. By the end of the show we were shown that he was now in a relationship with a girl. Success! Well, not really. The boy admitted that he still had same sex attractions (in other words he was still gay) but he simply chose not to act upon them. So there we have it! It's pretty simple. Any sane person, gay or straight, understands that you can't switch off sexuality. I don't think Gay Conversion Therapy is about this though, it seems to be about choosing not to act on that attraction to the same sex. This opens up a whole new argument, an argument that I've thought about for over 10 years.

I came out when I was 21 but I knew I was gay when I was 15. During the years between 15 and 21 I guess you could say I carried out my own Gay Conversion Therapy and I'd bet that I wasn't in the minority. I tried to convince myself that I could hide my sexuality. I tried to ignore the fact that I fancied men and I forced myself to imagine how much easier my life would be if I was straight. It WOULD be easier. I would not have to come out to anyone, I would be able to have kids the 'natural' way and I wouldn't have to disappoint anyone. Like I said, I'm pretty sure that I wasn't the only closeted person to go through these thought processes. Now here's the difference between me and the 17 year old we met on 'Gay to Straight' last night. I decided that being gay wasn't wrong. I began to accept that I was different but not ill. I told myself that I didn't have a 'condition' and therefore it couldn't and shouldn't be treated. I understood that for whatever reason I was not like the majority of the population who found the opposite sex attractive. I knew that my life would be more complicated than my straight friends' in regards to relationships, at least for the first part of my adult life anyway.

The reason I say that I began to understand what Gay Conversion Therapy is while watching the programme is because I finally saw through the false science, made up statistics and 'success' stories that we are often presented with when we see programmes on this subject. I saw through all of this and was presented with a homophobic father who did not want his son to be gay because he thought it was disgusting. "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve", he said with an air of arrogance that his wife seemed to gush over. This is when everything clicked into place and things became a lot clearer to me. Of course it's impossible to switch of someone's same sex attraction and surely, that's what makes someone gay (or bi). Of course we should all be angry and frustrated at the programme but what people seemed to miss was the reasons why these men had enrolled onto the course of therapy. They enrolled because they were scared of disappointing their families and friends who were very vocal about their dislike of homosexuality.

This is what GCT is all about. Forget the group hugging in the forests, the manly embraces that were allowed as long as you said you were not getting any sexual pleasure from it and forget the ludicrous claim made by an 'expert' that no gay man has ever had an emotionally healthy relationship with their father. All of that is obviously complete crap and serves simply as a smokescreen to cover up the rampant ignorance to homosexuality that still exists in many parts of the world.

So I do now understand what Gay Conversion Therapy is all about. It's a form of abuse that parents (not necessarily homophobic parents, but stupid at least, selfish for sure) inflict on their children because of their own selfish beliefs.

I know that people take part in these camps and schools of their own free will but here's the question that the programme failed to even ask - Why do so many gay men and women around the world NOT feel the need to convert? I'd suggest that it's because they have more supportive and understanding families, live in more forward thinking communities or simply have been allowed to come to their own conclusion that being attracted to the same sex is not wrong.

I get that two men can't conceive children naturally and without procreation the human race would in theory eventually cease to exist. But what does this really mean? Some men and women cannot have children, some men and women choose not to have children. We don't send them to Conversion Therapy where they learn how to hate themsleves do we? Of course not, that would be just as ridiculous as sending a 17 year old gay man to a camp where they take their shirts off and play catch with other gay men.

I understand Gay Conversion Therapy now. I understand that I do not need to frustrate myself by even bothering to argue with the false data and fake science. I understand that I should empathise more with the boys and girls, men and women who are sent to these groups or who are made to feel it's their only option. I understand that as a society we still have years to go before we can say that we're truly civilised. I also understand that until every parent everywhere not necessarily agrees with being gay but at least respects their children's right to embrace it, there will be more teen suicides, more cases of self harm and more miserable teenagers growing up in a world that doesn't allow them to live, but simply exist.

I finally understand it - but I still don't like it.

Follow me on Twitter - @waynedavid81
Follow rucomingout - @rucomingout

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Are Two Dads Better Than None?

19/9/2012

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In the Sunday Times last weekend, gay Hollywood actor Rupert Everett said that he, "...couldn't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads." Now I just want to say now that this blog entry isn't going to be concerned with trying to pointlessly destroy Everett's character or beating down his comment with aggressive gay defense talk. However, Everett's comments did bring the debate about gay parenting back into the public sphere again and so I thought it would give me the ideal opportunity to stick my oar in! So here goes.

An important thing to note is that Everett wasn't misquoted. He went on TV to defend his views this week where he said, "I’m not against anybody doing anything. I think the reason that’s great about living in England, is we can do more or less what we want. Just I, personally, feel like that. But it doesn’t mean to say,…I have lots of gay friends with children, I have lots of gay friends who have got married, I’ve been to lots of gay weddings, but I’m not big into marriage straight or gay to be honest."

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and as I said earlier, this blog isn't really about Everett, it's about his view; a view that is shared by many people around the world. A view, that for many reasons, I feel is ignorant and quite offensive to gay parents and children of gay parents.

In 2011 the number of children in care in England increased from 64,400 to 65,520 from the previous year. The majority of these children were living with foster parents, but almost 8,000 were in some kind of residential care. Now I'm not sure if you're shocked by those figures or not. I can't really say what my guess would have been before seeing those numbers to be honest but whichever way you look at it, it's pretty clear to me that there are a lot of children in England (and throughout the rest of the world) who are growing up outside of a loving home with a family who take care of them, love them, ecourage them and ultimately shape their futures.

There are various reasons why children are taken into care, but shockingly out of those 65,520 children who were living in care during 2011 in England, 40,410 were doing so because of family neglect or abuse in their family home. A further 8,930 were in care due to 'family dysfunction'. I couldn't find figures that broke down how many of these families were headed by gay parents but my assumption (and I'm open to discussion about this) is that most of them didn't. I base that assumption on the sheer number of 'traditional' families with straight parents than those with gay parents. I guess it doesn't really matter, my point isn't that straight parents are worse than gay parents, that would be ridiculous. My point is that there are many parents who for whatever reason, are unable to care for their own children, so much so that a huge amount are removed from the family home and placed in care homes and residential units.

I have friends, a couple who adopted their daughter and they do a great job looking after her, loving her and showing her right from wrong. It took them two and a half years from their first communication with the adoption agency to the point at which they were given custody of their daughter and this time was filled with interviews, observations and judgements being made as to whether they would make good parents. They obviously passed the relevant tests and it was decided that they were suitable to take care of a child. My friends are a straight couple by the way. No one could disagree that this little girl is better off in their care, growing up in a loving and caring home. So then, what if my friends were gay? What if they were two men? Again, I suggest that the little girl's home with her two dads would be a much more stable environment for her to grow up in rather than a care home. "But she won't have a mum", some people will say. "The poor thing will get bullied at school", others will claim.

The fact of the matter is that the little girl, if adopted by two gay men who were in a loving, stable relationship, who had passed all the same tests as any couple going through the process, would be growing up in a safe, nuturing home rather than an under-funded, resource-stretched care home with no mother OR father figure to speak of. As for the bullying at school issue - children get bullied for having the wrong trainers, it doesn't mean we should ban cheap brands of footwear does it? In my experience as a youth worker, schools want to do their best to stamp out any kind of bullying and so the reason for the bullying is not really important. We can't deny a child a loving home just in case some of their classmates may have an issue with it years down ther line.

I would hope that the majority of you would agree that a child placed in a loving home with gay parents would be emotionally better off than if they were to be raised in the care system. If you don't then I'm happy to hear your argument. There's a comments box underneath for a reason! However, this brings me on to the crux of the entire debate I guess - Is having gay parents worse than having both a mum and a dad? The answer? It depends on the parents. It's as simple as that. I could use the argument that most gay dads or gay mums who have kids would have made the conscious decision to do so which would suggest that the child would be wanted. But it's not always the case that unwanted pregnancies in straight couples produce unloved children. I could use the argument that in my job I've met some truly awful mothers and fathers who beat their kids, abuse them and show not an ounce of love towards them; straight mothers and fathers. But we know these parents exist. I could start talking about children who grow up in single parent families without a mum or dad and play devil's advocate in suggesting that these children will somehow grow up damaged due to having an absent parent. I find this suggestion offensive. I know many single parents who make it their life's goal to give their kids a good life and the lack of a second parent does nothing to shake that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people who share Rupert Everett's view that children being brought up in families with same sex parents are somehow predisposed to a less enriching life than those in a 'traditional' family, should stop and consider what it is their suggesting.

In an ideal world Dad wouldn't take heroin in front of his kids.
In an ideal world Mum wouldn't be an alcoholic and forget to pick her kids up from school.
In an ideal world Dad wouldn't beat the crap out of Mum with the kids listening from upstairs.
In an ideal world Dad wouldn't have an affair and leave Mum to raise their kids on her own.
In an ideal world Mum wouldn't die of cancer leaving dad to raise his three young daughters.

We don't live in an ideal world Rupert, we live in the real world where bad shit happens. Having both a mother and a father isn't a magical recipe for a golden childhood, it can be, but that's dependant on the quality of the parenting, the love they have for their children and the relationships they work on forging with their children.

Parents should be judged on their parenting not on their sexuality. Kids are tougher than we give them credit for sometimes but one thing I'm certain of - I'd much rather have two dads who wanted me, loved me and worked two and half years to prove to some strangers they could care for me, than a mum and a dad whose lives I was simply a part of.

Wayne Dhesi
Founder of RUCOMINGOUT

Figures taken from http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-15091270

Read about Rupert Everett's comments on gaystarnews http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/rupert-everett-defends-controversial-comments-gay-parents190912

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Why I Am Involved In RUComingOut | By @Klaramoranova

20/5/2012

1 Comment

Sometime last year my friend Wayne said that he wanted to write a book about 'coming out' to help people who were in that stage of recognising their sexuality. He asked me if I was willing to submit my story of how I realised I was gay. His hope was to show people that being openly gay was not a death sentence but a relief of stress and increased confidence. After hearing the story about the scary misconceptions from one of his clients I was on board with his project so I began writing my 'story'.

Wayne was a big part of me coming out. We met 13 years ago at university. We studied the same subjects and lived together for two years. Both of us knew we were gay but neither was comfortable embracing those feelings. It wasn't until a few years after we graduated that Wayne came out. In doing so he gave me the confidence to do the same. We shared a number of mutual friends and seeing them embrace Wayne showed me that the same would happen to me. And it did. Fear really is a bitch!!!!

It's crazy what you push to the back of your memory. When reliving my coming out years I found emotions I didn't expect to experience again. However you can't beat the feeling of pride of overcoming the darkness. And then of course comes the embarrassment of having so many misconceptions and letting fear win for so many years. So I wrote my story and emailed it to Wayne. A short time afterwards I received an email saying that the project was going viral. I thought that this was great as going online would open up the project to a wider audience. Then I looked at the other recipients of the message... they were all male. I can't say I'm a feminist or a campaigner for LGBT rights or anything. I've only really attended one gay pride and that was really just to have a good time rather than celebrate my sexuality. I'm not overtly gay and I've never wanted to vocalise my sexuality as I never want to make others feel uncomfortable. However, this one email seemed to change all that.

I would never had wasted a month dragging up those emotions and tears of my coming out if I had known it was a gay man venture. Not only that but I thought that it was a great idea for a site and thought that it would be a shame if women were left out. I mean lesbians have a voice too. So I emailed Wayne regarding the situation. He had no intention of making it a male endeavour but as all of his contacts were male well this was where it was going. There was no point letting my blood boil and not do anything about it. So I asked Wayne if I could get involved by gaining lesbian contributions and being the kind hearted, everyone loving man he is welcomed my help.

I'd like to think that rucomingout is not a site about men or women. It's about us gays as a whole; not forgetting Bi-Sexuals of course. I like to think that it is challenges misconceptions not just from the straight world but between us as well. Bit of controversy here but instead of gay or lesbian, I think it would be great to just call us all gay; happy and bright. After all we're all part of the same collective who can't get 'married'. On a wider note, at some point in the future I'd love to be referred to as 'our friend Clare' instead of the current sentence 'our lesbian friend Clare'.

Feel free to contact me anytime about musicals, Elaine Paige, Czech tennis players between 1987 and 2002 and tea.

Clare x

Drop me an email - clare@rucomingout.com

Follow me on Twitter - @klaramoranova

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Attitude Magazine - Real Life Story (Summer Special Issue - June 2012)

30/4/2012

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You can read my Real Life story in the latest issue of Attitude Magazine which is on sale Tuesday 1st May 2012. You can find the story on pages 142 and 143 where I talk with Attitude's Max Baker about the rucomingout project and what inspired me to start it in the first place.

My hope for the story is that many more people become aware of what rucomingout is trying to do and decide to submit their own Coming Out story. Although we are receiving submissions every day, the website will only continue to work as long as we receive the stories from people like you!

So if you haven't already written yours, what are you waiting for!?

Take care................................Wayne x

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Marriage Equality - How I see it

16/4/2012

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Today I was asked to contribute a short piece of writing about my feelings on gay marriage or 'marriage equality' as I would rather call it. It took me a few false starts before I found my flow and I soon realised that this was because I was thinking about my argument far too much. It's actually pretty simple.

Here's what I wrote:

I've been to two weddings this year and I will have been to another two before 2012 is out. That's what happens when you hit 30; all of your friends get married!

I'm not married but I do have a boyfriend of three years. Do I want to get married? Not at the moment, no. Do I want to have the option to get married one day? Of course I do. Who wouldn't want to have the option? At the moment in this country I am not able to get married. I can however have a civil partnership. The entire debate surounding 'gay marriage' is one of definition. Some religious groups are fighting to protect the term marriage to mean a union of a man and a woman. They claim to 'own' the term and suggest that altering it's definition to include same sex couples would basically undo years of tradition and simply cannot happen. I disagree. Straight couples who do not wish to marry in a religious ceremony can have a civil marriage. Gay couples can have a similar ceremony however it is not to be called a civil marriage but a civil union or civil partnership. Why the difference?

The philosopher Confucius was born in ancient China in 551BC. His definition of marriage goes like this, 'Marriage is the union of two different surnames, in friendship and in love, in order to continue the posterity of the former sages, and to furnish those who shall preside at the sacrifices to heaven and earth, at those in the ancestral temple, and at those at the altars to the spirits of the land and grain.'

Over half a century before the birth of Jesus, we see a definition of marriage with a clear absence of genders. I'd prefer to refer to this definition of marriage if that's ok. There is no mention of God but of a spirituality and repsect for our land.

The Church did such a good job in claiming marriage as their own and shaping it to fit their own values and agendas that as a society we have come to believe that the word itself is steeped in religion, when it simply isn't.

Many people argue that gay people are being awkward and simply stoking the fires. After all, we can get civil patnered which gives us the same legal rights as straight married couples so why the persistance? The point is this. Just because I don't want to get married now, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to. The word 'marriage' does not belong to anyone, just look in the history books. Times change and so do mankind's attitudes and just because some things are traditional it does not mean that they should not change over time. It used to be traditional to drown women accused of witchcraft; it isn't now because that's ridiculous.

There are many arguments against gay marriage, none of which have any real substance. If indeed marriage is just a word, then allow us, the gays and lesbians of the UK, to use it too. No one likes being left out do they?

"Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself"*

*(Sound familiar? Well that was also Confucius by the way)

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My Coming Out story....

4/4/2012

6 Comments

I’m Wayne and this website was my idea. I felt there was a need for it. Here’s my coming out story.

When I was about 15 I knew that I didn't fancy girls. I didn't think I was gay, I just thought that I wasn't really that bothered about girls. My best mates Ben and Ian didn't have girlfriends at school either so I assumed that people just develop at different rates and that I would start to notice boobs and stuff later on in life. Three years later at a sixth form party I had my first kiss. It was with a girl, a pretty girl, and I was 18 years old. I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't sick, the kiss wasn't that disgusting but it didn't really make me feel good because by the time I was 18 I knew I was gay. It's hard to explain how I knew, after all, I hadn't ever done anything with any lads but I just knew. Even though I was pretty sure that I was gay at this point I knew that it was going to be a long time before I would experiment with boys and even longer until I would come out. In fact, I had a crazy idea (one that at the time I thought was the best idea in the world) that I would never come out, I would just ignore my feelings and maybe get married one day, to a girl, and be happy! It was during my first Christmas break from university when I came home that I met the person who would give me the courage to be honest with myself.

My first term at university was brilliant. I pushed the gay thing to the back of my mind and when girls chatted me up I just made out that I had a very specific type and this seemed to throw them off the scent. I met loads of great people with different life experiences who were in to different music and wore different clothes. However, I didn't meet any gay people. I thought I would. I thought that I could make friends with them and this would help me to become comfortable with my own feelings and that I would be able to come out to them slowly. I only knew of one gay person at university within my wider circle of friends and that was Andy (see April's stories for his coming out account) who was one of the barmen at the student union. We spoke and we knew the same people but I never got close to him. Looking back I think I stopped myself becoming good friends with Andy because I wasn't ready to deal with my true feelings regarding my sexuality and I assumed that Andy would be able to tell I was a secret gay because gay people just know don't they? I often regret my decision not to become friends with Andy because I know we would have had such a laugh! I have actually reconnected with Andy over the last few years and we keep in touch. It’s nice to know that I had that second chance to be able to call him a friend.

So back home, after three months of university life, I met Anderson. Anderson would change my perception of gay people and play a massive part in shaping me into the person I am today. I met Anderson in my local pub during the Christmas period of 1999. I had seen him in there a few times before we first spoke and I knew he was gay. In fact everyone knew he was gay. And the most important thing to me, the thing that really gave me hope was that everyone knew he was gay and they still loved him. Anderson was the most popular guy in the pub. Girls loved him, other gay people loved him and more importantly to me at the time, straight blokes loved him. I had never met anyone who was so open and honest about his sexuality. I soon realised that this is why everyone loved him. They saw past the fact that he fancied men instead of women and were more interested in the fact that he was simply awesome! Funny, kind, thoughtful, excitable; the kind of person I knew I was too but was not allowing myself to be. However, the difference between us was that he was happy with whom he was and although I was a smiley, popular guy to the outside world, I was miserable and sad inside. I think Anderson knew that I was gay but he never asked me and never made me feel awkward. He simply helped me by being himself and showing me that being gay does not have to define you as a human being. People didn't like Anderson because he was gay, they liked him because he was (and still is) a remarkable human being. Ten years on and I still think about the role that he played in my life and I wonder how things may have worked out if I wasn't lucky enough to have met him. He remains one of best friends and always will.

Despite Anderson showing me that being a good person was more important to others than being straight or gay, it would be another three years until I decided I would come out.
Although it wasn't until I was 21 that I told my friends I was gay, I had my first conversation about my feelings towards the same sex with my best friend Ben when I was 19. Whenever our university courses started a new term Ben and I used to catch the same train to Derby before swapping and getting on different ones to our own destinations. Sometimes we use to go for a drink in a local pub for an hour or so before heading back; a final chat before we went off to our other new circle of friends. It was during one of these chats in a small pub in Derby that I thought I would test the water and gauge Ben's reaction, after all, he was my best friend and his opinion was really important to me. I told Ben that I wasn't sure if I liked girls or boys. I fell short of saying I was gay or bisexual (even though I knew I was actually gay) but I gave him just enough information to form an opinion. Ben's reaction shocked me. He didn't look surprised or disgusted or uncomfortable. He said very matter-of-factly, "Well I guess you will work it out and it won't matter to any of us, your friends, anyway." The reason I was shocked was because I was at least expecting Ben to be surprised or to say he thought I was joking. But he wasn't and he didn't. Looking back I think I was actually a little gutted that it wasn't a big deal to Ben! After all, it's always nice when people make a fuss over you!

So the rest of my time at university passed with no gay experiences at all. Despite the fact I gave Ben the heads up that I may very well be gay one day, I continued to hide my feelings from everyone else including my other friends, university housemates and family.

Even though my conversation with Ben reassured me that he would be fine if I came out, I still wasn't ready to live as an openly gay man.

After all, hinting to one friend that you 'might' be gay is miles away from telling the whole world.

In my final year at university I remember lying in bed one night fighting with my thoughts about what I should do. By this point I knew that I could not hide my sexuality for much longer. I wanted to be happy again and not continue to pretend that I hadn't met the right girl yet. I had a feeling that most of my friends at university already had their suspicions that I was gay but I lay in bed that night and felt that I was completely alone in the world. I felt that I couldn't speak to anyone about what I was going through and I honestly did not know what to do. I flirted with the idea of continuing the pretence and imagined marrying and having kids. When I pictured this life I also pictured the happy faces of my family, my Grandmother and my wife (who didn't and would never exist). I haven't mentioned yet that I come from a mixed race background. My Dad's side of my family is Indian and my Grandmother was born in India and so was her eldest daughter. Her other four kids (including my Dad) were born in England after she moved here. I had already decided that if I was ever to come out I would never be able to tell my Grandmother as it would mean the end of our relationship. It never crossed my mind that anyone on my Indian side of my family would accept me if I was gay. Lying in my bed that night, with my three housemates in their rooms just feet away from me, I didn't know what I was going to do, so I just carried on crying.

A few weeks later it was time for me to return home after my time at university had finished. I was now 21. I ended up graduating with a 2:1 but I have always wondered if I could have achieved a 1st if I had not had other things on my mind throughout my time there. I guess I will never know the answer to that. When I returned back to my home town I moved in with a friend of mine, Jo. I had worked with Jo during a part time summer job and she was going through a rough time health wise so we decided I would live with her for a bit. Jo was older than me and had been married and divorced. She is a very outspoken woman with strong opinions and a really brilliant person; the life and soul of the party and if there isn’t a party, she’ll just create one! I introduced Jo to my friends and we all started socialising together. We used to go to the pub at the weekends and have a brilliant time talking about music, football and life in general. I began to strengthen my friendships that had weakened while I was away at university as well as making new friends, some of whom happened to be gay. I started seeing more of Anderson and his circle of friends and I became more confident in myself. It was during this time that I met a guy. I knew that he liked me and some of our friends had made this clear during conversations in the pub. I always brushed these comments off with a laugh until the night we ended up kissing.

I never felt under any pressure to do anything with him. I was excited, nervous and of course scared. I asked him not to tell anyone as I wasn't ready for everyone to know yet and he respected my choice.

A few months after my first kiss with this guy I was out with my friend Michelle in a bar. She introduced me to Carl. Carl was gay. I got on well with Carl and decided that I wanted to spend more time with him. We swapped numbers and met up a few times. Carl became my first boyfriend and inadvertently my way of coming out. Jo, who I was living with, one night asked me how my love life was. I told her that I had started seeing someone. When she asked me who that someone was I told her that it was someone called Carl. I was petrified of her reaction! I knew that Jo was cool and that she was a good friend of mine but I had no idea how she would react. Jo simply said, "Oh, well you weren't really that into that girl you were seeing were you?” referring to a girl I had kissed a few times to divert attention away from my true feelings towards boys. Again, very much like the conversation I had with Ben in the pub in Derby, I was shocked at the lack of fuss and bother. Jo clearly had her suspicions and wasn't surprised to hear that I was now seeing a boy. The situation repeated itself with the rest of my friends. I had conversations with them individually and in small groups when we were out and it was never a big deal. When I spoke to Anderson, the guy who made me realise that you could be happy inside and out as well as being gay, he told me that he always knew I was but he knew it was important for me to take things in my own time and do things when I felt ready. I honestly had no idea he knew. I had no idea any of my friends knew. They had clearly worked it out before I was ready to tell them but gave me space and time to do things at my own pace as and when I wanted to. I love my friends for this.

One of the biggest reliefs for me after coming out was realising that I did not have to fit into a stereotype of a gay man. These stereotypes do exist but it is rubbish! You could walk by ten gay men in the street and assume they were all straight because of they way they ‘carried themselves’. This doesn’t mean that they don’t exist!

I've been to a few Gay Pride events but not because I feel I need to wear a costume and wave a flag. It's a great excuse for a weekend long party! I live my life the way I choose, I just happen to like men rather than women. It's pretty boring when you look at it that way I guess! I had five year relationship with some one who I thought was the one for me but it ended up not working out. The issues we had were issues that any couple, gay or straight could have and we decided to end things. After being single for a few months I met Dan.

I've been with Dan for almost three years now and we're really happy. Like any relationship we have our problems and we have our arguments. But unlike straight couples we can share our clothes which means I basically have two wardrobes!

I go to gay pubs and bars but not all the time. My straight friends come with me; in fact some of them say they prefer them to straight clubs. My friend Stuart actually met his girlfriend Mimi in a gay bar in Birmingham! I like watching football, drinking beer and watching soaps. I don't like Glee, Katy Perry or computer games. I love concerts and I've been to see Madonna and Kylie. Why do I think that is information is important? Well I don't which is why I guess I'm mentioning it. I like the things that I like because I am me. I'd probably like the same things if I was straight.

I used to think that coming out would mean I would be defined by my sexuality. I thought that my life would change and my friends would drift away from me because they felt that we would no longer have anything in common. This didn't happen. When I came out and realised that it was actually no big deal to my friends it gave me the confidence to be myself in other ways. I had always loved music and the idea of maybe being a DJ one day. Experiencing the acceptance of my friends by coming out made me more confident in my abilities and so I began to DJ at a local bar. Ten years later I'm still djing and I think I'm pretty good at it!

My family know I'm gay. I told them around about the same time I began to tell my friends. My Auntie was the first person I told and this was by phone because I thought it would be easier and it was. She was surprised because she didn't know already but she wasn't sad or angry or disappointed. In fact I was able to open up to her more about my life after I told her and we became much closer than we were before. My Auntie and my cousins Lauren and Natalie have met my partner and they all get along really well. Lauren said it was cool having a gay cousin!

My Grandma knows. We don't ever talk about it but I don't feel we need to. I wouldn't talk to my 78 year old Grandma about the details of my relationship if I was going out with a girl to be honest, I would be so embarrassed! But knowing she knows and still loves me and enjoys spending time with me is enough for me.

My Mum knows and is also fine with it. She was annoyed that I didn't tell her sooner but she soon got over that and reassured me that it wasn't an issue for her. Again, I get embarrassed talking to my Mum about my relationships but I am pretty sure that this would also be the way if I was straight.

I never got the chance to tell my Dad that I am gay because he died with my elder brother in a car accident when I was 15 years old. For many years I guiltily saw that as a blessing in disguise. I know this sounds extremely selfish but I thought I'd gotten away with having to tell the two people who I thought would probably have the biggest issue with it. 15 years on from the car accident I actually feel sad that they never got the chance to know the real me. I know they would have found it weird and might have taken a bit of time to get used to the idea but honestly, despite both of them being very stereotypically straight, I know deep down that they would have accepted me. It sounds weird to say now, but I really regret the fact I never got to tell them.

I think I knew I would be gay from the age of 14 but I wasn't sure. It took me years to figure things out in my head before I could admit to myself that I was. Some people may think that these were wasted years. I'd disagree. These years gave me the time and space to realise who I was. My friends knew I was probably going to come out one day but they gave me that time and space to come to that conclusion. If you don't feel ready to come out to certain people close to you then simply don't. They can wait until you are ready. It has to be your decision.

You have to appreciate that it will be weird for your friends if you come out to them. I had seven years to prepare myself for coming out. My friends had a split second to give me a reaction when I told them. You have to respect that they may need some time to get their heads around what you tell them. Their silence or facial expressions do not mean that they don't approve, it just means that they need time to absorb what you are telling them.

Coming out was a massive part of my life when I was 21. Being gay is a small, but important part of my life, now I am 30.

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A Straight Guy's Guide To Coming Out

What Would Jesus Think?

Jodie Foster's Coming Out Speech?

A Queer By Any Other Name . . . by Clare Moran

I Finally Understand Gay Conversion Therapy!

Are Two Dads Better Than None?

Why I Am Involved In RUComingOut | By @Klaramoranova

Attitude Magazine - Real Life Story (Summer Special Issue - June 2012)

Marriage Equality - How I see it

My Coming Out story....

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