RUComingOut
Like and Follow us...
  • Home
  • About
    • Feedback
    • Terms of use
  • Stories
  • Blog
  • LINKS

Are Two Dads Better Than None?

19/9/2012

21 Comments

 
In the Sunday Times last weekend, gay Hollywood actor Rupert Everett said that he, "...couldn't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads." Now I just want to say now that this blog entry isn't going to be concerned with trying to pointlessly destroy Everett's character or beating down his comment with aggressive gay defense talk. However, Everett's comments did bring the debate about gay parenting back into the public sphere again and so I thought it would give me the ideal opportunity to stick my oar in! So here goes.

An important thing to note is that Everett wasn't misquoted. He went on TV to defend his views this week where he said, "I’m not against anybody doing anything. I think the reason that’s great about living in England, is we can do more or less what we want. Just I, personally, feel like that. But it doesn’t mean to say,…I have lots of gay friends with children, I have lots of gay friends who have got married, I’ve been to lots of gay weddings, but I’m not big into marriage straight or gay to be honest."

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and as I said earlier, this blog isn't really about Everett, it's about his view; a view that is shared by many people around the world. A view, that for many reasons, I feel is ignorant and quite offensive to gay parents and children of gay parents.

In 2011 the number of children in care in England increased from 64,400 to 65,520 from the previous year. The majority of these children were living with foster parents, but almost 8,000 were in some kind of residential care. Now I'm not sure if you're shocked by those figures or not. I can't really say what my guess would have been before seeing those numbers to be honest but whichever way you look at it, it's pretty clear to me that there are a lot of children in England (and throughout the rest of the world) who are growing up outside of a loving home with a family who take care of them, love them, ecourage them and ultimately shape their futures.

There are various reasons why children are taken into care, but shockingly out of those 65,520 children who were living in care during 2011 in England, 40,410 were doing so because of family neglect or abuse in their family home. A further 8,930 were in care due to 'family dysfunction'. I couldn't find figures that broke down how many of these families were headed by gay parents but my assumption (and I'm open to discussion about this) is that most of them didn't. I base that assumption on the sheer number of 'traditional' families with straight parents than those with gay parents. I guess it doesn't really matter, my point isn't that straight parents are worse than gay parents, that would be ridiculous. My point is that there are many parents who for whatever reason, are unable to care for their own children, so much so that a huge amount are removed from the family home and placed in care homes and residential units.

I have friends, a couple who adopted their daughter and they do a great job looking after her, loving her and showing her right from wrong. It took them two and a half years from their first communication with the adoption agency to the point at which they were given custody of their daughter and this time was filled with interviews, observations and judgements being made as to whether they would make good parents. They obviously passed the relevant tests and it was decided that they were suitable to take care of a child. My friends are a straight couple by the way. No one could disagree that this little girl is better off in their care, growing up in a loving and caring home. So then, what if my friends were gay? What if they were two men? Again, I suggest that the little girl's home with her two dads would be a much more stable environment for her to grow up in rather than a care home. "But she won't have a mum", some people will say. "The poor thing will get bullied at school", others will claim. 

The fact of the matter is that the little girl, if adopted by two gay men who were in a loving, stable relationship, who had passed all the same tests as any couple going through the process, would be growing up in a safe, nuturing home rather than an under-funded, resource-stretched care home with no mother OR father figure to speak of. As for the bullying at school issue - children get bullied for having the wrong trainers, it doesn't mean we should ban cheap brands of footwear does it? In my experience as a youth worker, schools want to do their best to stamp out any kind of bullying and so the reason for the bullying is not really important. We can't deny a child a loving home just in case some of their classmates may have an issue with it years down ther line.

I would hope that the majority of you would agree that a child placed in a loving home with gay parents would be emotionally better off than if they were to be raised in the care system. If you don't then I'm happy to hear your argument. There's a comments box underneath for a reason! However, this brings me on to the crux of the entire debate I guess - Is having gay parents worse than having both a mum and a dad? The answer? It depends on the parents. It's as simple as that. I could use the argument that most gay dads or gay mums who have kids would have made the conscious decision to do so which would suggest that the child would be wanted. But it's not always the case that unwanted pregnancies in straight couples produce unloved children. I could use the argument that in my job I've met some truly awful mothers and fathers who beat their kids, abuse them and show not an ounce of love towards them; straight mothers and fathers. But we know these parents exist. I could start talking about children who grow up in single parent families without a mum or dad and play devil's advocate in suggesting that these children will somehow grow up damaged due to having an absent parent. I find this suggestion offensive. I know many single parents who make it their life's goal to give their kids a good life and the lack of a second parent does nothing to shake that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people who share Rupert Everett's view that children being brought up in families with same sex parents are somehow predisposed to a less enriching life than those in a 'traditional' family, should stop and consider what it is their suggesting. 

In an ideal world Dad wouldn't take heroin in front of his kids. 
In an ideal world Mum wouldn't be an alcoholic and forget to pick her kids up from school.
In an ideal world Dad wouldn't beat the crap out of Mum with the kids listening from upstairs.
In an ideal world Dad wouldn't have an affair and leave Mum to raise their kids on her own.
In an ideal world Mum wouldn't die of cancer leaving dad to raise his three young daughters.

We don't live in an ideal world Rupert, we live in the real world where bad shit happens. Having both a mother and a father isn't a magical recipe for a golden childhood, it can be, but that's dependant on the quality of the parenting, the love they have for their children and the relationships they work on forging with their children.

Parents should be judged on their parenting not on their sexuality. Kids are tougher than we give them credit for sometimes but one thing I'm certain of - I'd much rather have two dads who wanted me, loved me and worked two and half years to prove to some strangers they could care for me, than a mum and a dad whose lives I was simply a part of.

Wayne Dhesi
Founder of RUCOMINGOUT


Figures taken from http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-15091270

Read about Rupert Everett's comments on gaystarnews http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/rupert-everett-defends-controversial-comments-gay-parents190912




 







.
21 Comments
Zak link
19/9/2012 03:41:42 pm

I think this is great! Thanks so much for writing it!

Reply
Wayne
19/9/2012 04:30:38 pm

Thanks Zak! : )

Reply
Dave
19/9/2012 03:50:14 pm

Well said Wayne. Wherever parents adopt then it could be said they are putting more effort in to the task of having the children they want (not universal, but you know what I mean). Both me and my sister were adopted (by straight parents) and personally speaking wouldn't change anything. I'd like to think that at some point in the future I might also adopt with the right guy, and would do everything in my power to give my kid(s) a fantastic life, even/despite/especially with two Dads.

Reply
Wayne
19/9/2012 04:25:33 pm

I agree Dave. Adoption in general is an amazing thing and whether gay or straight, people who go through the process of adopting face a tough time trying to convince the authorities they are fit and capable. I like your apprehension and uncertainty over using the terms even/despite/especially! We need to be careful not to refer to gay parents in the negative! Nicely done!

Reply
Dave
19/9/2012 04:59:19 pm

Exactly, the point was to address all viewpoints. I'll admit that my position of wanting kids but being gay is something I've had mixed feelings about, but for a kid to grow up in a loving home has got to be the outcome we all want, regardless of where the love comes from.

JayDeeEss
19/9/2012 04:06:45 pm

Great article, Wayne! I totally agree with all of the points you are making here! Well done!

Reply
Wayne
19/9/2012 04:30:00 pm

Cheers Jay - Can't wait to receive your next diary entry! And photo!!

Reply
Lola
19/9/2012 04:07:21 pm

I totally agree , And as for folk saying the kids will get bullied at school we are not givin the kids of today enough credit , yes kids are cruel but they are also ALOT more clued up than we ever were with strong gay role models on the TV , in music etc , the world has changed for the better and people just need to change with it !!

Brilliant piece wayne :) xx

Reply
Wayne
19/9/2012 04:28:21 pm

Completely with you there Lola. Why reflect our generation's prejudices onto future generations. I honestly think without adult or peer negative influence, most kids would not have any issues with same sex parents. Without going into all the social issues that link in to this debate, we should be giving the kids of today (I sound old!) more credit than we do.

Reply
Lauren
19/9/2012 11:32:22 pm

I agree with you Wayne :) as long as a kid knows its loved an safe that's what matters most :) I couldn't imagine my life without my mum but I don't think I'd be any less happy if I'd been brought up by gay parents coz I would love them just as much as I love my mum x

Reply
Clare
20/9/2012 12:03:37 am

I absolutely agree with each to their own opinion and I beleive that maybe there is no wrong or right, its just down to opinion.
However, in my work, I too see many terrible, sad stories, with children in care, and I believe in my opinion whole heartidly, which is, the love and genuine care of parents, no matter what the sex of that parent, is fundamentally one of the most important things a human gets, if it means its two Dads or two Mums, then hey, whats the problem, as long as that child is guided through life with a balanced view and allowed to grow into the person they want to be then thats what truely matters, and showered with lots of love of course!!!
Good Article!

Reply
Ulysses
20/9/2012 05:34:16 am

Spot-on Wayne. My partner and I adopted two babies sixteen years ago. There's nothing a mother can do that a father can't learn to do (except breast feeding, I concede that). Our only limits in parenting are cultural barriers, and we can break those down. I can't say that we're great parents, just that we're trying to do our best.

Reply
Wayne
24/9/2012 05:01:06 pm

Thanks Ulysses. I have huge respect for you (you already know that!) and the way you're living your life, having made the choices you made in order to pursue your happiness honestly does inspire me. X

Reply
Adam
24/9/2012 04:53:44 pm

This is an awesome article and I'd like to throw something else into the mix! I'm a 31 year old gay man who used to be married. Does dupery think I shouldn't raise my son because I have now found my true sexuality? I love my son with all my heart and will do all I can to raise him in the best way possible!

Reply
Steven
11/10/2012 03:41:00 am

Interesting read but I think you might be missing a few angles.

1. People are entitled to the opinion that marriage (either hetro or homo) or parenting (done by straights or gays) is not for them, and they can say that out loud, in public and with pride.

2. The fact that there are so many children in care is a travesty and if anything it highlights that perhaps breeding should be in some way regulated. I think it's wonderful that so many people feel that they are able to provide stable & loving environments for children that have been abused or thrown out of the family home, a potential issue here is also whether gay couples are using fertility treatments in order to have children or adopting ‘state children’.

3. Taking this argument out of the homo-confine’s there is a huge global over population issue. The world’s resources are finite and many scientists foresee the natural resources of the planet being unable to sustain everyone. This is a debate that we need to be involved and engaged is as LGBTQ individuals.

Reply
Wayne
12/10/2012 04:04:06 am

Hi Steven and thanks for your comments...

I completely agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion and has the right to be proud about it, that's why I wrote this blog! My issue really was Everett's suggestion that having two gay Dads would be the 'worst thing ever' as I feel that even as someone who disagrees with gay parenting, he should be aware how that suggestion could be interpreted by young LGBT people around the world who are already anxious about how they will fit into society as an out gay or lesbian person.

The wider issue of adoption andf the care system is one I'm particularly interested in as I work as a Youth Worker and meet young people who have lived in care. This blog entry wasn't really about that but I'd love to expore this issue in more detail one day. I think adoption should always be seen as preferable than fertility treatment in my opinion, gay or straight, but I think that's a personal choice.

In terms of your last point, I completely agree! It's great to have debate about the issue of over population and of course we shoud always be engaged in the debate.

If you'd like to write any features for the site Stephen I'd be really interested in publishing them here as I think you make some really interesting points. And of course, it's important to show as many different views on topics as possible. Debate is good!
Email me at wayne@rucomingout.com if you want to discuss this...

Reply
kirsty
27/11/2012 03:02:08 pm

Ok, so the first think i want to say is that im 14. If you now think whatever im about to say is invalid please stop reading. Ok so if you ARE still reading i want to say that i am growing up in a loving household yet i only have one parent, i have no father does that mean i won't grow up properly? No. Are single parents allowed to adopt? Yes. They weren't in the past but they are now so why shouldn't same sex couples be allowed to adopt? No reason at all.

Reply
writing an autobiography essay link
2/12/2013 07:30:03 am

True amazing post! Everyone will find something in it his own. How I found) Read not regret it. The author is very informant in this topic, as probably in all other

Reply
LUCY
22/6/2019 07:18:09 am


A GREAT SPELL CASTER (DR.TAKUTA) THAT HELP
ME GET MY EX HUSBAND BACK, AM SO HAPPY
My name is LUCY SETHI from USA .I am here to
give testimony on how I got my husband back.
My husband left me for no reason 3 years ago.
He moved in with another woman, I felt like
killing myself, my life became very bitter and
sorrowful. Then 1 day, a friend of mine told me
about a great spell caster that is very good and,
he said he gave him some lucky numbers that he
played in a lottery and he won. I didn't believe it
because I've worked with so many of them and it
didn't work. He begged me further so I decided
to try this great spell caster called DR TAKUTA. I
still didn't believe. I used the spell he gave me
and the next day I received a call from my
darling husband Thomas last month. He
apologized and came back to me. He even gave
me 10,000USD as a means of compensating me.
I'm very happy now. please i will advise you to contact him
now and see for your self his Email is via____
takutaspellalter@gmail.com or whatsapp him
through the following contact on +27788634102


Dr.TAKUTA also cures:
1. HEPATITIS A,B,C
2. HERPES 1/2
3.DIABETES
4.STROKE.
5.HIV/AIDS HERBAL CURE, STDS and STI
6. MARRIAGE COUNSELLING
7.LOVE SPELL CASTING
8.JOB PROMOTION SPELLS
9.MARITAL PROBLEM
10.MAGIC MONEY SPELLS

Reply
lawrencia Hall
23/11/2020 01:06:51 pm

This is a testimony that I will advise everyone to read because what I experienced was miraculous. i have been married  4 years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my husband away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2 years until i meant a post about dr jumba   helping people to bring back broken relationship  and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my beloved Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48 hours as dr jumba  told me,  my husband came back home and ask for forgiveness i was surprise to see him after a long time. he  came back to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you who has similar problem or any difficulty in his/her relationship  to contact dr Jumba and get your problems solved, His email: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com you can also contact him or whatsApp him on this +19085174108 .  thank so much  WEBSITE :  https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com IF you want to know more about dr jumba services . 

Reply
DANIELLA WILSON
2/12/2020 04:37:08 am

Life is so sweet when you have your family around you, I'm so excited to share this testimony I lost my man to 27year old girl who cast a spell on him' I cry out for help for the past 4 weeks I have be looking for a way for me to get him back. One day I have it with my friend she gave me a solution she said I should contact Dr Okafor here is her contact,a great and powerful spell caster who can do all thing. I told him my problems to cast a very powerful spell and the in 11hour my husband was back to me all thanks to Dr Okafor a great spell caster, if you need help to get your ex back WhatsApp him at +2348108058139 OR email him at okaforspelltemple@gmail.com .

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    May 2017
    October 2014
    December 2013
    October 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012


    Categories

    All
    Bisexual
    Church
    Coming Out
    Equality
    First
    Gay
    Inspiration
    Introduction
    Lesbian
    Marriage
    Parenting
    Peter Tatchell
    Prague
    Queer
    Queer As Folk
    Religion
    Rucomingout
    Stonewall
    Welcome
    Work

    RSS Feed


Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.