In 1988, on October 11th, National Coming Out Day (NCOD) was founded in America. The date was significant because it fell on the first anniversary of the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay rights. 18 states participated in the very first NCOD, rising to 21 in the following year. By 1990 all 50 states, as well as seven other countries, acknowledged and marked the occasion. 

British Diver Tom Daley and American Actress Ellen Page are just two high profile people who decided their time had come to open up about their sexuality in 2014, but in the past year countless people have come out as LGBT across the world. Saturday October 11th 2014 marks the 26th National Coming Out Day and I think it's a great thing that we have it.

I remember when I found out about NCOD a few years ago. My first reaction was actually pretty negative. I guess that was because I thought what most people probably think when they hear about it - Do we really need a National Coming Out Day? Surely it's up to the individual to choose when is the right time for them?

Once I had carried out some research (I spent an hour or so on the internet!) I realised that the idea behind NCOD wasn't to encourage closeted LGBT people to come out on October 11th but was about raising awareness of the difficulties and challenges around coming out.

I set up RUComingOut in 2012 because I saw a huge gap in support for closeted LGBT people. I was working as a youth worker and one of the young people I saw regularly came out to me. What he wanted to know more than anything was how people deal with the challenges of coming out to family and friends. I told him how it was for me - realising I was gay at 15 but not telling anyone until I was 21. After asking my friends to write their stories down and sharing them with him I realised the benefit of sharing experiences of what can be a hugely emotional, challenging and life-changing period in someone's life. 

I have conversations with people sometimes who don't really understand the gravity of coming out. Obviously these people are straight so don't have the first hand experience of growing up feeling somehow different but not being totally sure how. When I came out in 2002 I faced no real problems from friends, family or my local community. I lived in a relatively small town back then where if you met a stranger you'd probably discover a common friend within two minutes of talking to them. My coming out was easy. It really was. Telling my close friends and family (people I knew loved me) that I was gay was actually pretty easy when it came down to it. However, the six years I spent in the closet that preceeded that were probably the worst of my life. When I think that I was hiding this secret throughout the whole of my GCSE exams, two years of A Levels and entire three year university experience it makes me wish I could reach back into the past and give myself a massive hug!

I wasn't outwardly miserable during this chapter of my life, but when most young people were experimenting with girlfriends and boyfriends, making new friends and laying down foundations for the rest of their lives, I was trying to work out the best way to keep my secret. When I was 15 my Dad and 18 year old brother died in a car accident. For years after I carried a huge sense of guilt with me. Not for the accident but for thoughts I found myself having as I became more certain I was gay. From about 17 I remember having fleeting sensations of relief when I used to think about how difficult I would have found it having to tell both my Dad and Brother that I was gay. It would be a further four years before I'd actually come out, but knowing that the two conversations I would have been most afraid of having were no longer going to happen gave me conflicting feelings. The guilt I felt from having these feelings made me hate myself even more and did little for my feelings of self-worth, which was already at a pretty low point!

I'm now 33. I came out over 12 years ago and as I said before, I never really experienced any real problems. However, that doesn't mean that the anxieties and worries I had before telling anyone wasn't crippling. It was. I remember times at university when I'd make myself physically sick by thinking about having to tell people. I remember one occasion when I actually started punching myself in the head because I hated, not myself, but the position I found myself in. I was frustrated that I had been dealt a hand that I couldn't cope with. I wasn't brave enough. I distanced myself from the only gay person I knew at university in case he guessed and outed me. I'm good friends with Andy now but I should have been good friends with him back in 1999. 

As soon as I started telling people that I was gay, which happened in such a natural way, I began to discover who I was and who I had been for all of my teenage years. Trying to understand things clearly that only exist in your head, without being able to talk to other people, is not possible. It wasn't until I began talking to my friends about my thoughts and feelings that I began to realise who I was. I began to enjoy other people's company more because I began to open up more myself. I was more comfortable being open about my interests and tastes in music. I started to allow myself to think about what I'd like to do with my life. I didn't realise how much other stuff I'd been holding back. At 21 my friends started to see the real me, and so did I.

I no longer feel guilty about those involuntary thoughts I used to have about my Dad and Brother and not having to come out to them. I do think about coming out to them still, but now it's because I wish I had the opportunity to. I would have liked them to have known the real me and not the insecure 15 year old with low self esteem. I'd like to be able to tell them about RUComingOut and how many people the site has helped. I know they'd have found me being gay a bit weird but I think they would have seen how happy being out has made me and that weirdness would have gone away.

National Coming Out Day isn't about telling the world you're gay on October 11th, it's about everyone taking some time to realise how hard living life in the closet is for anyone who has had to do it. 

For six years I didn't feel that I belonged anywhere - I knew I wasn't straight but I wasn't out yet so I didn't really feel like a proper gay! For some it may be less than six years but for others that fear can keep them in the closet for decades. Many people who come out find that they have few issues from their loved ones or society in general which is great, but they didn't necessarily know that this would be the case. 

In many parts of the world in 2014, the fight for LGBT equality made huge gains - the introduction of same-sex marriage in England and Wales for instance. However, in many parts of the world lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people are still treated as second class citizens. There are people who still hold beliefs that LGBT people do not deserve to be treated the same as a heterosexual person. 

LGB charity Stonewall says,'Consensual acts between same-sex adults are criminalised in 80 member states of the United Nations and homosexuality results in the death penalty in six of these countries. In many countries lesbian, gay and bisexual people face execution, torture, rape and murder from people in their own community or from their government.'

On National Coming Out Day spare a thought for the millions of teenagers, work colleagues, family members and all of those people around the world who feel they don't yet belong and fear that others won't accept them. Think about those whose lives will be in danger if their neighbours were to know they were LGBT. You may have done your coming out already. You may not need to if you're straight. You're lucky. 

Wear a badge, change your social media profile picture, Tweet, update your Facebook status - let them know you understand and that you'll still love them. It could make a huge difference to someone's day, and to the rest of their life. 

That's why National Coming Out Day still matters.

Wayne Dhesi

@WayneDavid81
@RUComingOut

This article is an edited and updated version of Why National Coming Out Day Still Matters which was originally published in 2013 on RUComingOut.

We live in strange world don't we? Yesterday (Monday December 2) British Olympic Diver Tom Daley posted a Youtube video in which he said he was dating a guy. Within minutes the clip had been shared around the world and within the hour numerous blog posts had popped up discussing the relevance of his announcement. Was this really news? Does anyone really care? Didn't we all assume Tom was gay anyway? We had the obligatory Buzzfeed round up of negative tweets in response to the video, followed by the obligatory Buzzfeed round up of positive tweets in response to the video. Kylie tweeted Tom. Tom retweeted Kylie. Stephen Fry tweeted Tom. Tom replied to Stephen Fry. Lady Gaga Tweeted about Tom. Tens of thousands of others read, shared and favourited the exchanges. At the time of writing this blog entry Tom's original tweet had been retweeted over 63,000 times and favourited by over 73,000 people. 

Twitter (and social media in general) has completely changed the way we find out about news stories, comment on them and discuss them. What a lot of people failed to understand yesterday was that although Tom Daley posted that message on a video sharing website, he didn't do it for Lady Gaga or Stephen Fry or Kylie Minogue or for me or for you. He did it for himself.

Unlike Tom, when I came out almost 12 years ago I didn't have Facebook, Twitter followers or a legion of adoring fans to consider. I told my close friends, family and people I worked with and the reaction I got was great, in fact I couldn't have asked for better. I didn't tell people I was gay because I felt it was my duty to let them know - I told them because I did not want to continue to live a life that wasn't really mine. Of course, by being open and honest with those close to me I was able to build closer bonds with people because I felt that I wasn't hiding anything anymore. Tom Daley's life is a life in the public eye. We have seen him grow up on our TVs and computer screens. We've read about him in magazines and cheered him on at London 2012 where he picked up a bronze medal. You may remember the awful Twitter trolling that took place at this time when someone tweeted Tom saying that his father (who had passed away from cancer) would be ashamed of him only collecting third place medal. Vile. Inexcusable. Just awful.

Tom is 19 years old. Anyone who has been through the process of realising they're somehow different to their friends, questioning their sexuality, knows how difficult this chapter in their life is. Some people find it so emotionally challenging that they choose to ignore it and lead a life that suits those around them. Others come out. Tom has also had to deal with the death of his father, which at a young age can completely derail some people. The death of a parent becomes a defining moment in your life where all other events take up a place either before or after. Tom may very well have been struggling to understand his feelings towards men at the time of his father's illness and death. He may not have struggled at all - I know that for some people that process of self-realisation isn't as earth-shattering or as traumatic as it is for others. Either way, the fact that he has now decided to be open with his friends, family and the public is something that we should either respect or keep quiet about. 

Many people, when hearing that Daley is now dating a guy, predictably threw around the 'in other news the Pope is Catholic' line. Whatever we thought about Tom Daley before yesterday in regards to his sexual preference, no one can say that they 'knew he was gay' all along. No one can say this because Tom himself hasn't even now come out as gay - something else that a huge number of people don't seem to want to accept. I've read many comments suggesting that he is making his coming out as gay easier by utilising the bisexual label. Daley didn't use the words gay or bisexual in his video so who are we to create gaps and then proceed to fill them in ourselves? 

I think that Tom Daley's video is a beautiful, honest, personal, inspiring and emotional 5 minutes and 26 seconds. He told us on Youtube because whether he likes it or not, his profession dictates that he has a personal profile. The fact that some people feel they have the right to disrespect someone who has decided to share something so personal confuses me. Some people have once again asked why people still need to come out. The reason is simple. As long as society assumes that someone is straight until they know otherwise, people will have to come out. Tom Daley could have come out by doing a magazine interview, holding hands with his boyfriend in public or writing a book. It doesn't matter how he did it - he did it in the way he wanted to and in my opinion he did it really well.

I'll watch this video again and again because I think that the words Tom uses are perfect. He refuses to label himself (he says he still likes girls) but he is open about feeling safe and happy being with a guy. I know how hard coming out is. I know how hard losing a parent at a young age is. Neither experience is easy. And so for that I wholeheartedly take my hat off to Tom Daley for being such a brave man. He may not realise it at the moment, but as well as making his own life much easier, his maturity and honesty has also just helped thousands of other people too. 

Wayne Dhesi
@WayneDavid81

I remember when I found out about NCOD a few years ago. My first reaction was actually pretty negative. I guess that was because I thought what most people probably think when they hear about it - Do we really need a National Coming Out Day? Surely it's up to the individual to choose when is the right time for them?

Once I had carried out some research (I spent an hour or so on the internet!) I realised that the idea behind NCOD wasn't to encourage closeted LGBT people to come out on October 11th,no matter what their personal situation was, but was about raising awareness of the difficulties and challenges around coming out.

I set up RUComingOut last year because I saw a huge gap in support for closeted LGBT people. I was working as a youth worker and one of the young people I saw regularly came out to me. What he wanted to know more than anything was how people deal with the challenges of coming out to family and friends. I told him how it was for me - realising I was gay at 15 but not telling anyone until I was 21. After asking my friends to write their stories down and sharing them with him I realised the benefit of sharing experiences of what can be a hugely emotional, challenging and life-changing period in someone's life. 

I have conversations with people sometimes who don't really understand the gravity of coming out. Obviously these people are straight so don't have the first hand experience of growing up feeling somehow different but not being totally sure how. When I came out in 2002 I faced no real problems from friends, family or my local community. I lived in a relatively small town back then where if you met a stranger you'd probably discover a common friend within two minutes of talking to them. My coming out was easy. It really was. Telling my close friends and family (people I knew loved me) that I was gay was actually pretty easy when it came down to it. However, the six years I spent in the closet that preceeded that were probably the worst of my life. When I think that I was hiding this secret throughout the whole of my GCSE exams, two years of A Levels and entire three year university experience it makes me wish I could reach back into the past and give myself a massive hug!

I wasn't outwardly miserable during this chapter of my life, but when most young people were experimenting with girlfriends and boyfriends, making new friends and laying down foundations for the rest of their lives, I was trying to work out the best way to keep my secret. When I was 15 my Dad and 18 year old brother died in a car accident. For years after I carried a huge sense of guilt with me. Not for the accident but for thoughts I found myself having as I became more certain I was gay. From about 17 I remember having fleeting sensations of relief when I used to think about how difficult I would have found it having to tell both my Dad and Brother that I was gay. It would be a further four years before I'd actually come out, but knowing that the two conversations I would have been most afraid of having were no longer going to happen gave me conflicting feelings. The guilt I felt from having these feelings made me hate myself even more and did little for my feelings of self-worth, which was already at a pretty low point!

I'm now 32. I came out over 11 years ago and as I said before, I never really experienced any real problems. However, that doesn't mean that the anxieties and worries I had before telling anyone wasn't crippling. It was. I remember times at university when I'd make myself physically sick by thinking about having to tell people. I remember one occasion when I actually started punching myself in the head because I hated, not myself, but the position I found myself in. I was frustrated that I had been dealt a hand that I couldn't cope with. I wasn't brave enough. I distanced myself from the only gay person I knew at university in case he guessed and outed me. I'm good friends with Andy now but I should have been good friends with him back in 1999. 

As soon as I started telling people that I was gay, which happened in such a natural way, I began to discover who I was and who I had been for all of my teenage years. Trying to understand things clearly that only exist in your head, without being able to talk to other people, is not possible. It wasn't until I began talking to my friends about my thoughts and feelings that I began to realise who I was. I began to enjoy other people's company more because I began to open up more myself. I was more comfortable being open about my interests and tastes in music. I started to allow myself to think about what I'd like to do with my life. I didn't realise how much other stuff I'd been holding back. At 21 my friends started to see the real me, and so did I.

I no longer feel guilty about those involuntary thoughts I used to have about my Dad and Brother and not having to come out to them. I do think about coming out to them still, but now it's because I wish I had the opportunity to. I would have liked them to have known the real me and not the insecure 15 year old with low self esteem. I'd like to be able to tell them about RUComingOut and how many people the site has helped. I know they'd have found me being gay a bit weird but I think they would have seen how happy being out has made me and that weirdness would have gone away.

National Coming Out Day isn't about telling the world you're gay on October 11th, it's about everyone taking some time to realise how hard living life in the closet is for anyone who has had to do it. 

For six years I didn't feel that I belonged anywhere - I knew I wasn't straight but I wasn't out yet so I didn't really feel like a proper gay! For some it may be less than six years but for others that fear can keep them in the closet for decades. Many people who come out find that they have few issues from their loved ones or society in general which is great, but they didn't necessarily know that this would be the case. 

On National Coming Out Day spare a thought for the millions of teenagers, work colleagues, family members and even people you pass on the street who feel they don't yet belong. Wear a badge, change your social media profile picture, Tweet, update your Facebook status - let them know you understand and that you'll still love them no matter who they happen to fancy. It could make a huge difference to someone's day and the rest of their life. 

That's why National Coming Out Day still matters.

Wayne Dhesi

@WayneDavid81
@RUComingOut

Clare Moran believes that when it comes to changing the world, visibilty is more effective than absence.

There has been a lot of discussion recently in the media, notably within social media, about uniting and taking a stand against Russia’s recent anti-LGB legislation by boycotting the forthcoming Winter Olympics to be held in Sochi in February 2014.

Developments within Russia regarding the implementation of anti-LGB legislation during the last few months have certainly been disturbing where approved bills and events are reminiscent of fiction in literature and films of a repressed fascist dictatorship. With the repulsion of the Defence of Marriage Act in the USA in June and the passing of the Equal (same sex) Marriage Act in the United Kingdom in July, it really is harrowing to hear that a developed country within the new millennium could pass a bill banning “propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations”. Hefty fines and imprisonment can now be imposed on those who provide information about the LGB community to people under 18 years of age or for holding gay rallies. Foreign nationals and tourists can face up to 15 days in prison and deportation if they are suspected of breaking this law. It is also illegal for gay couples to adopt Russian children as well as gay foreign nationals adopting Russian born children.

It certainly is a scary place to be gay with reports of police beatings becoming a weekly, nearly daily occurrence and only a few days ago did we get reports of the first gay foreign nationals being arrested on grounds of violating ‘the rules of stay in the territory of Russia’ for ‘gay propaganda’. With minimal response from leading heads of state there seems to be a Chamberlainesque fear of carrying out some sort of action. Some feel that boycotting the Olympics would be a necessary step. But would it have any effect?

By analysing previous boycotting actions throughout Olympic (Winter and Summer) history it is evident that nations simply boycotting a Games had no political outcome whatsoever. The only outcome was a moral victory on the nation/nations in question. There have been six Summer Olympics that have been subject to various boycotts (1936, 1956, 1976, 1980, 1984 and 1988) and one Winter Olympic (1980) during which the games still went ahead and the politics behind the campaigns remained unaltered. The largest mass boycott in Olympic history was in 1980 where due to official boycotting and financial reasons only 80 countries participated. This was led by the US in protest of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in 1979. It certainly was a bold move by one of the world’s top competitive nations who was practically guaranteed to win a plethora of medals. However, as great a moral gesture as it was it had no effect on Soviet policy. The Olympic Games went ahead and Allan Wells went into the record books as the 1980 100m Olympic gold medallist. A boycott would only have a chance of being affective if every nation were to take part. As being gay is illegal in 78 countries around the world and being lesbian is illegal in 49 I fear that not all countries would participate in this endeavour. And then there’s those states who may have decriminalised homosexuality by name of law but still regard LGB behaviour deviant such as Ukraine and Poland, where the fight for equality is just as dangerous as it is in Russia. The reality of this situation is that a total worldwide boycott of Sochi 2014 will never happen. Medals will still be fort and names will still be carved in Olympic history.

And what about these names and those competitors who take part? Does a boycott take away the achievements made those individuals who do compete? Is Allan Wells any less an Olympian because firmer competitors and favourites were not present in 1980? Is Jan Kodes any less a Wimbledon champion because he won the title the year 81 of the top players boycotted the championships in 1973? No matter the circumstances it is their names inscribed in the record books and it is them who we remember.

Putin and the Orthodox leaders of Russia have enforced this putrid anti-LGB law onto their subjects because of fear. They have seen how Out role models and increased media representation work to challenge the ideology of homosexuality being an unnatural act. There’s still a long way to go for worldwide LGB rights however significant progress has been made within the last twenty years through activism and increased visibility in the media, arts and sport. Sixteen years ago Ellen Degeneres was vilified for being an open lesbian in mainstream media. After ten years of broadcasting her afternoon talkshow on a mainstream American network she has helped to show America and the world that being a lesbian isn’t any different than being anybody else. She has role modelled normality and even though there is still a long way to go till America fully embraces LGB equality, progress has been made with thirteen states now allowing gay couples to get married. If the only exposure you have had to homosexuality is negative propaganda then of course you’re going to have an innate fear and dislike. The solution is visibility. Take the Czech Republic as an example. With it being a former Soviet occupied state that borders Poland you would assume it to share similar social ideologies as those Eastern bloc countries. However holding an annual Gay Pride, Gay Film Festival and having an LGBT friendly tourist board makes you wonder why yet being so close they couldn’t be further apart? The power of positive role models should never be underestimated. Martina Navratilova may be an American citizen but Czech people still regard her as one of their own. She blew apart the record books showcasing sporting excellence and to this day remains as one of the top two greatest female tennis player of all time proving homosexuality as no hindrance to endeavour whatsoever. It is those initial acts of bravery by courageous individuals like Martina who have fought abhorrent ideology by being themselves and changing perceptions. The Czech Republic is a gay friendly country whose national treasure is an open and very famous lesbian. Make the connection between Ellen Degeneres and America’s changing policies and you can just see how powerful visibility is. So rather than boycotting and in effect walking away from these putrid ideologies, why not send them something they desperately need… Visibility.

Even though boycotting is morally justified, it doesn’t really confront the issue and plays right into Putin’s hands. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to showcase the talents of gay athletes in Sochi 2014 instead of helping the government cover up gay existence? How great would it be for openly gay speed skater Blake Skjellerup to win a gold medal showing that you can be gay and achieve sporting excellence? History has shown us that boycotts have no effect. What does make an impact however is symbolism. I can’t tell you anything about the 1968 Summer Olympics other than the moment Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised their black gloved fists in a star spangled bannered ‘human rights salute’. One of the most iconic acts of symbolism in human rights activism was beamed around the world witnessed by millions, remembered by billions. There is no greater platform for raising awareness than the Olympic Games. Rather than non-attendance, how symbolic would it be if supporting nations chose to wave rainbow flags during the opening ceremony? How symbolic would it be for state leaders to wear pink carnations in their lapels during the opening ceremony, if Obama wore a rainbow badge beside the American pin on his jacket, nations played with rainbow hockey sticks, or a medallist suddenly waved a rainbow flag on the podium? It would certainly raise attention to a wide audience. An intended audience.

It is clear that the leaders of Russia have created a state that doesn’t deserve the honour of hosting the Olympic Games. The Olympic Committee have the power to take away this honour and relocate the games to another deserved nation as they have done in the past. I am saddened and horrified by what I have read in the media about these laws and the subsequent treatment of the LBG community in Russia. If I were an athlete I would not want to set foot in a country that was disabling my rights and identity. As a spectator I would never spend my money contributing to such an underserved economy by travelling to Sochi to watch the games in person. I don’t even want to support the television ratings if I am honest.

But I love the Olympics and the Olympic Spirit is our greatest ally…

“thousands of young men and women have answered the call to enter the arena to compete in friendly competition for the honour and glory of sport… fulfilling the philosophy that is still paramount today, to improve the human race, to strengthen understanding and friendship amongst all peoples and to promote the Olympic Spirit.”

It takes courage and bravery to change the world and there is no better platform than the Olympic Games. The world needs to wake up to the evil that has presented itself but fairness and equality has never been gained by walking away.

Follow Clare on Twitter @klaramoranova

What do you think about the suggestion that athletes, fans and nations should boycott the Sochi Winter Olympics in 2014? Please leave your comments below.

I turned 32 a couple of months ago. I've been out for 11 years now and with each year I become more and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not ashamed to be gay, in fact I'm happy to be gay. I've always said to my straight friends that being gay is no different to being straight and that the only difference is that gay people fancy people of the same sex while straight people go for the opposite sex. This week I realised I was wrong. Being gay is very different to being straight. 

Since coming out I've had seven different jobs (I wasn't sacked from any before you start jumping to conclusions - I'm just ambitious!) and in each one I experienced the expected nerves at interview, not wanting to seem too annoyingly keen or too laid back. I went through the awkward first day in each job, instantly forgetting everyone's name as soon as it left their mouths, not certain how to answer the phone and never too sure how many cups of tea was deemed reasonable to drink in one day. Everyone experiences these cringey but unavoidable things in their new job though so you just ride it out and deal with it, becoming more and more comfortable each week and praying for another new starter so you're no longer the newest employee.

In each one of the seven jobs I've had since coming out I've experienced something far more anxiety-inducing than forgetting someone's name. It's often said that you never really stop coming out and that's definitely true in the place of work and in each new job I've had since coming out I've had various levels of anxiety around the fact I'm gay. I dreaded the inevitable question that would no doubt come in week one, maybe week two if my new colleagues weren't overtly nosy! "So have you got a girlfriend Wayne?"

When I look back on each of the jobs I've had since I started to identify as gay I can honestly say that not one of my bosses ever made me feel uncomfortable about my sexuality before or after they knew I wasn't straight. The fear I had about having to answer that question and to come out at work was partly due to my lack of confidence in myself and partly due to the fact I prejudged my colleagues - something I am quite embarrassed and ashamed of in hindsight. 

No matter how cool each set of colleagues was about me being gay (and I've never experienced any hostility or homophobia in any job) it made absolutely no difference to how I felt when moving on to a new place of work with new people. The areas I have worked in (retail, private training, healthcare) are not overtly masculine arenas, in fact you could argue that they each have a fair representation of gay people - it's not as if I've been a premiership footballer or worked on an oil rig. When I look back at how I felt going in to each job I feel guilty. I feel guilty that without meeting the people I was to work with I had made assumptions that at least some of them would be uncomfortable with me being gay and in turn that would affect their attitude towards me. I guess it was the fear of being disliked for something I couldn't help.

I've always been aware that I possessed this somewhat irrational and somewhat logical fear - logical in the sense that as human beings we are programmed to protect ourselves from harm, whether it's physical or emotional. But it didn't matter how much I tried to talk myself out of expecting some kind of workplace homophobia, I always felt sick with anxiety about meeting new colleagues, especially straight males - after all, they'd all assume I fancied them and would not want to talk to me right? Such a strange view for me to have as I became good friends with many colleagues, including straight males, many of which became and remain friends.

I've thought about what each workplace could have done differently to make me feel more at ease when I started working with them; not that I'm blaming any of them for the fear and anxiety I felt, but employers do have a responsibility to make sure all of their staff feel comfortable at work. I've thought about what they could have done but I've always struggled to come up with anything - until now.

Last week I started working with Stonewall, the biggest British charity working for the rights of gay, lesbian and bisexual people. Contrary to popular belief not everyone who works at Stonewall is gay, lesbian or bisexual. About 75% are but the difference between starting work at Stonewall and any of my previous employers is that no one makes assumptions about your sexuality either way. Again, I'm not trying to criticise any employer that I have worked for previously, after all, most people are straight so an assumption that a new employee will also be straight will very often be proven right. The people who interviewed me for my job at Stonewall knew I was gay because I wrote about my coming out experiences and the RUComingOut website in my application so when I started on my first day I knew I didn't need to worry about them asking the girlfriend question. But what about my other new colleagues? Well none of them assumed anything about me. Some asked me if I had a partner during after work drinks but not one of them made an assumption about my sexuality, well not in a question directed right at me anyway! 

So here's what I've learned in the last week. When straight (and gay) people assume everyone else is straight, it isn't meant as a form of oppression, a way of marginalising gay people, but it can inadvertently cause that. My previous employers weren't homophobic, they didn't set out to make me feel awkward or to worry. So what can employers do to make gay, lesbian and bisexual people feel more comfortable when starting work with them? Well they can do what Stonewall do - make no assumptions. Managers and staff need the right training to enable them to make staff feel welcome whatever their orientation. 

"So Wayne, have you got a partner?"

One word changes. What's in a word? Girlfriend, partner, does it matter? Yes. To me it would have mattered. In that simple change of one word, the acknowledgement that I may be gay and that the person asking was cool with that, I would have felt more comfortable. I always knew I had issues with coming out (and to some extent being out) at work but never to the extent that I now know I did.

Some people reading this might not really see the point in what I'm saying. I spoke to my new housemate who has always worked in London and he told me that he has never felt that anxiety about starting a new job. He's gay. He says that he's always worked with other gay people and that it's never been an issue for him. But not everyone works in London, or New York, or Sydney. When I came out at 21 my boss was gay and I think seeing someone in a position of authority whom everyone seemed to like made me feel hopeful that things might not be so bad if I came out. He definitely inspired me to take that step and I often wonder if I'd still be in the closet if he hadn't been my boss! You spend so much time at work it really does affect who you are and how you live your life - more than I ever thought it did. In the seven jobs I've had since then and previous to my role at Stonewall I have never worked with another gay, lesbian or bisexual colleague in my team. Well, not an out gay, lesbian or bisexual anyway. No wonder I had so many anxieties about coming out at work. In my experiences at work I was an anomaly, a minority. 


In my new job I'm just me.


Wayne Dhesi
@WayneDavid81


For more on coming out at work read this feature by the BBC's Simon Wright

It's often referred to as one of the last gay taboos in Britain - an out gay professional footballer. But why does a large proportion of the gay (and straight) media, as well as a large section of society in general, seem to be obsessed with the prospect of an out pro footballer? Why do some of us think that having an out and proud gay or bisexual footballer matters?

Many of us will already know the story of Justin Fashanu. As Britain's first £1million black footballer he had the sporting world at his feet when he transferred to Nottingham Forest in 1981. Fashanu didn't come out publicly until 1990 but his sexuality was no secret to those who knew him, including his manager at Nottingham Forest Brian Clough. In his biography Clough recounted a particularly frustrated exchanged he had with the player soon after his transfer to Forest:

It's not obvious from Clough's telling of the exchange whether or not he held particularly strong views about homosexuality but what is apparent is that whatever his views on being gay were, he wasn't making it particularly easy for Fashanu to come out. Of course this was over 20 years ago and indeed Fashanu did not come out for another nine years, after being approached by The Sun newspaper. It's not clear whether the stresses of hiding his sexuality affected his playing abilities, but the fact that Clough barred Fashanu from training with the side once he found out he was gay gives us a fair idea that it might have played a role. Common sense would suggest that someone who can be themselves at work without fear of rejection or abuse would be happier and more productive.

Last September Clarke Carlise, the Chairman of the Professional Footballer's Association and a Northampton Town defender, told a sport's magazine that he had spoken to eight gay professional footballers who told him they were afraid to come out. Seven of the eight players cited a fear of fan and media backlash as one of the reasons they had chosen to only come out to those close to them and not in public. It's impossible to say whether or not there were any closeted gay players when Justin Fashanu came out but knowing that there are at least eight now may suggest that rather than following society's progressive attitude towards diversity and inclusion, football has actually taken steps backwards.

Chris is a self-confessed football fanatic. As well as playing for gay-friendly team Nottingham Ball Bois twice a week he also attends matches at both Nottingham and Derby with gay friends. Chris thinks that we do need out gay players but the clubs need to do more to impose FA regulations. "Some people seem to think going to a football game means they can leave any decency they have at the gates and scream whatever they like at the opposing team", he says.  "The clubs are getting better at imposing the FA regulations but often abuse is just ignored. Racial abuse has had to be dealt with; players can't hide the colour of their skin. If some players were openly gay the clubs would have to act in the same way when homophobic abuse occurs."

One of the biggest factors that make the whole idea of an out gay footballer in 2013 so interesting is the unknown reaction that person would receive - from fans, team mates and the media. There's no question that society has moved on in its acceptance of  gay people since Justin Fashanu was 'encouraged' to come out by The Sun newspaper but how big has that movement in Britain really been? Being gay is still seen as a subject worthy of a tabloid story, gay teens are still committing suicide because they are getting bullied at school and marriage equality is only now being debated. Are we just foolish to think that a sport that still has to encourage clubs to combat racist abuse from fans will welcome a gay player with applause and a pat on the back? 

No matter how positive the reaction from fans will be when a player does take that brave step, it's naive to think that verbal abuse, of any nature, will be completely eradicated from the sport. All players face taunts and insults - for being black, for missing penalties or for simply being unpopular. There has to be a certain amount of 'taking it on the chin' and to think otherwise would be too idealistic. We all remember what we were told at school about name calling - sticks and stones make break my bones but words will never hurt me. But when that name calling crosses the line and becomes damaging then something has to be done. When fans shout to David Beckham that they hope his kids get cancer then something has to be done. When fans throw bananas on the pitch at black players then something has to be done. Footballers are employees of the club they are playing for and in any other job we would look to our employees to provide us with a safe working environment. The FA can't second guess the reaction to gay footballers but they can be proactive in setting up their stall now. 

The Football v Homophobia campaign is 'an international initiative opposing homophobia in football at all levels - from grassroots to professional clubs.' This year the campaign aimed to recruit as many teams (league and non-league) as possible, asking them to pledge their support for tackling homophobia in football. The scheme is heavily supported by the FA on their official website and yet three months after the campaign started only 55 teams have so far signed up. Some of the biggest teams in the country do not yet appear on the '150 Leaderboard' - you can see who has made the pledge and who hasn't by visiting the FA's website.

I find it disappointing that so many top flight clubs have yet to make their position known on homophobia in football. Surely it's a no-brainer; they should all be against it. They shouldn't even need to sign a pledge stating their position, but the fact that there is one and they haven't speaks volumes. Campaigns like Football v Homophobia are so important because they shine the spotlight on clubs and highlight the attitudes that exist with the culture of football at all levels. I think that supporters' associations have the same duty to stand up against homophobia (and racism in sport) and until we see a widespread climate of support it would be pretty naive to think that a player would ever feel comfortable coming out - and who could blame them?

Chris believes that we all have a responsibility to create a more inclusive game and that it's not just up to the FA. "Some people will say that those who shout insults aren't really football fans but will still sit by and allow them to keep chanting vile things without reporting them. It seems bizarre that in almost any other sport it doesn't seem to be an issue. We have openly gay athletes, rugby players and boxers."

The question of who should shoulder the responsibility is an interesting one. The clubs, the FA, the players, the fans and the government all have a part to play but it's impossible for things to change unless everyone is on board.

When we look at the political changes that have come about in regards to gay equality (equal age of consent, section 28 being abolished) it's easy to applaud our forward thinking nation but these changes in law do not always make the transition into everyday life and communities so smoothly or as timely.

When American soccer star Robbie Rogers (left) came out while at the same time retiring from the sport in 2013, he stated that it would be "impossible" for a footballer to come out and continue to play. 

The big question is whether or not we actually 'need' a footballer to come out. There's no doubt that taking that step is a very personal one and I think it would be wrong to pressure anyone to come out for any other reason than it being the right thing for them. However, this doesn't mean that I think society (and the gay community in particular) would not benefit. Of course they would. We know the old fashioned belief that gay people can't and don't wish to play sport is complete rubbish, but what we don't know is how many gay people play particular sports at a professional level. My point isn't that there should be a representation of gay people in each sport but if there is then great. My point is that if we KNOW there are at least eight gay footballers currently playing top flight football who are not comfortable coming out through fear of what the reactions would be, that is unacceptable. Anyone who has come out knows what this fear is like. Instead of worrying about the media response we may have worried about our friends' response. We haven't had to worry about the fans' response but we agonised over what our colleagues may say.

A lot of people find that the fears they have around coming out never actually materialise and that things are a lot easier than they assumed they would be. Maybe this will be the case in football too but surely there’s no harm in acting now to reduce this fear by being proactive by adopting an anti-homophobic stance.

It would be great for one of those eight players to bite that bullet and stand up to be counted. Fear can cripple us and is very often much worse than the thing we fear. The difference with fear of this nature is that we don't yet know the outcome and so we don't yet know if the fear is warranted. One thing is for sure, whoever decides to step up and step out will have the respect and appreciation of millions of people from around the world. Many will think that this is no big deal and to them it might not be, which is fine. But it is a big deal to many others and that's why sometimes some of us seem to be obsessed with gay footballers. If a gay player can't come out then how is an out gay youngster ever going to break into the sport?

As soon as I read the news that NBA star Jason Collins had come out as gay, I found myself preparing for the torrent of comments that will no doubt swamp message boards and social networking sites across the globe in the coming hours, days and weeks. Whenever a public figure or someone in a traditionally 'straight' arena comes out we get the same reaction from various sections of society. We get the proud, supportive people congratulating the person on making, what must have been, a huge personal step. We also hear from a section of the gay community who simply don't see the big deal and greet the news with a shrug of the shoulders. We obviously and unfortunately still have to hear from the homophobic minority who turn the story into a trolling opportunity and a way of showcasing their vile opinions and attitudes towards gay people. But we also hear comments from a huge section of society who simply say, 'who cares?' 

It's 2013 right? Gay people are everywhere right? Who cares if a basketball player is gay? I tell you who cares; the millions of young people or older closeted gay, lesbian or bisexual people around the world who are still too scared to come out themselves.

I think to understand the gravity of Collins' announcement we have to think about this fact. Until Collins came out today there was NO OPENLY GAY ATHLETE IN A MAJOR US TEAM SPORT. Just think about that for a few seconds. Sport is part of US and global culture and therefore part of all of our lives in some way. And to think that until today the gay community was not represented in any way in major US sport is actually pretty unbelievable. To think that there is now only one gay athlete in a major US team sport is also pretty unbelievable. It's unbelievable because it isn't true. There are many gay athletes, both male and female in popular sport around the world but they do not feel able to let the world know. Why? Fear.

So when someone like Collins decides to take that step up on to the podium and stand in the spotlight, that will now undoubtedly shine on him, it IS a big deal. It's not a big deal because people need to know that gay people can play sport and it's not a big deal because people need to know that gay people can be really tall. It's important because it's a first and firsts are hugely important. 

Think back to 2009 when Barack Obama was sworn in as the first black President. It was a big deal. It was a big deal because it was a first and to dismiss that or not acknowledge it would have been ignorant. These firsts matter because they show progress. They give us a clear benchmark to assess where we are as a country, as a continent and as a world. 

The important thing around Collins' coming out isn't really his coming out, it's how it will be received by teammates, the NBA and US sports fans in general over the coming months. We all know that gay people can play basketball, we were not waiting for confirmation of that! What we were waiting for was for someone to be that 'first' person to stand up and be counted, alone, as one person. Collins might be feeling pretty lonely at the moment being the only openly gay US athlete in a major US team sport but he won't be lonely for long. 

The reason that it annoys me when people dismiss these coming outs as 'unimportant' or 'no big deal' is because they ARE important and they ARE a big deal to many millions of closeted people around the world. When you live your life in the closet you're almost like an undercover agent - constantly assessing the views about gay people from friends, family and colleagues. Listening for passive insults, outright homophobia or verbal acceptance of our sexual minorities. I knew I was gay at 15 but didn't come out until I was 21. I spent six years hiding who I was through fear of being rejected. I wouldn't have come out any sooner if there would have been an out gay basketball player but that's not the point. Closeted gay people will be watching the reaction that Collins gets after his announcement. They will be watching closely. It won't be the 'who cares?' or the 'what's the big deal?' comments that will stick in the minds of these people. It will be the vile homophobic ones and the messages of support. 

In the 11 years since I came out I've become comfortable with who I am and can look back on my closeted period with a huge sense of sadness. The fear I felt from the assumption that all my straight friends and family members hated gay people and would therefore hate me, turned out to be unfounded. 

Keeping quiet isn't good enough I'm afraid. Don't assume that everyone knows you have no issues with gay people. If you're straight, gay or bisexual and think that Jason Collins was brave when he shared something so personal with the world today then why not tell people? Change your Facebook status, send a Tweet, mention it to a friend. Take a step further and comment on a news article. There'll be plenty of anti-gay sentiments on there so why not offer a balance. Whatever you do, do something. You never know, someone that reads or hears what you say might just need it. Quiet acceptance isn't as powerful as proactive acknowledgement. We are judged on our actions and words and not on our opinions. 

Wayne Dhesi 
@WayneDavid81

If you are straight and would like to write and submit a message of support for our website then please email wayne@rucomingout.com

I can't quite believe that it's been a whole year since I uploaded the first coming out stories, emailed to me by my friends, to this website - there are now over 150 from all around the world! I first had the idea for RUComingOut after meeting J, a 17 year old boy, in my job as a youth worker. I had worked with him since he was 15 and I was the first person he came out to. I felt a huge amount of responsibility to him and wanted to make sure I gave him as much support as I could. 

I knew I was gay when I was about 15 I think, but didn't come out for another six years. During those years I felt pretty lost to be honest. I didn't feel I really belonged anywhere. I wasn't straight, I knew that, but I didn't consider myself as gay either because I wasn't out yet. I wanted to try and do all I could to help J to understand that he didn't need to be as scared as he was about telling people he was gay. I wrote down my experiences of coming out and gave them to J to read. I asked my friends if they could write their stories down and they did. 

Suddenly, and simply, J felt a little bit more comfortable with his future. He realised that he would have to tell people but that he was under no pressure to do it a particular way. More importantly, he realised that every happy, secure gay man or woman had to go through that difficult and often emotionally frought period to become who they are. 

The website was not the first concept for the project. The idea for a book that could be sent to colleges and school libraries came after a conversation with my friend Shelley. I took to Twitter and Facebook and the stories came flooding in. Once I realised that there were many more people willing to share their stories than I had expected, the website seemed like an obvious thing to do and so after a few lessons in web design from my friend Yog, RUComingOut.com was born in March 2012.

There are far too many people and organisations to thank but I have to mention attitude magazine who, as well as supporting the first birthday event which takes place next week, they got behind the project really early on. 

The feedback I have received and the comments I see underneath the stories on the site confirm that this project is helping people. I've always said that there is no rule book to coming out but if someone somewhere reads just one sentence in one story that they connect with, then there's a chance we've made a difference to their life.

I have big plans for RUComingOut and with your continued support I know that they will be realised. If you have any ideas, suggestions or want to write a feature for the website please get in touch with me. If you have lots of money and you're not sure what to do with it, then again, please contact me and maybe I can convince you to become a corporate sponsor for the site. 

I received an email this week and although I have taken the name of the send off, I would like to share it with you. I've changed the odd detail to protect the senders identity as he is still very much on his coming out journey.

Hi there, 

I just wanted to thank you. Since I sent you my story I have received a lot of support and really kind words from everyone. It filled me with new confidence and appreciation of myself (something I never thought I could do).

This website has helped me in ways I never thought possible and I truly believe it is the best resource for gay people on the Internet. Just sitting and reading other people's stories make me feel like I'm not alone in this world and that there is a huge community of people that are truly special in ways that they may not even realise.

We really have made a difference, so thank you!

Wayne X

Founder
@WayneDavid81

One of the biggest fears I had when I was contemplating coming out ten years ago was the reaction of my straight male friends. I knew they were great people and I guess deep down I was sure that they would be accepting but that still didn't stop me feeling very anxious about what their reaction would be.

Later on in the year I will be blogging more about the reaction of same sex friends when coming out but in the mean time here's a link to a video I made with my friends Peppe and Will. They're both straight and have a brilliant YouTube channel (BarSideView) where they talk and eat lots of food, quickly. Anyway, we all thought it would be interesting to talk about the subject of coming out to your mates, so we did! 

Watch the video here or click on the picture of the three handsome chaps.

Remember to subscribe to BarSideView's YouTube's channel and follow them on Twitter - @BarSideView