Alex | 30
"I've known I was gay since I was 11 but have always found it hard to talk about.
It's not really because I'm gay its because I have never been happy with the way I look."
When I was at school I was bullied and it wasn't until my final year that I actually started to stick up for myself but by then I had no self confidence at all and I weighed 18 stone. I'm still battling with my weight now and I am convinced that because I am a larger guy no one will love me.
When I was 13 I had my first gay experience; it was with my only friend in middle school. I went to his house one Saturday and we got bored so I asked if he wanted to play poker. My friend said yes but we didn't know what we could bet so I suggested our clothes. It was the most exciting time of my young life, especially because his parents were down stairs. After we both lost our clothes, he suggested that we experiment a little.
"Over the next few years we did more and he came out to his parents, but I never.
I've always kept people at a distance. I have come out to friends before and have been told that I will burn in hell. I always seem to worry too much what other people think and expect of me. Although I love my family I don't want to upset them. I feel that looking the way I do, when I do tell them and if they don't except me, then Ill on my own with nobody in my life and nowhere to live.
I have two brothers who each have four kids but I still want kids of my own. I love my nieces and nephews but don't want my brothers to stop me seeing them. Why is this so hard???
"It's like there are two versions of me; the one I let people see and the one I WANT them to see.
Does that make sense???"
I know that this website is meant to be about coming out and being OK with yourself, but how can you do that if when you look in the mirror, all you see is a fat man with a hairy back and huge feet?
Please, anyone has any advice I would really welcome it. Cheers for letting me unload a little.
Message from RUComingOut: I'm sure we can all relate to this story in some way. It obviously took a great deal of courage for Alex to write and submit his story and although there is never any straight forward piece of advice anyone can give regarding coming out, I know from our emails that Alex would appreciate any words of encouragement, support or advice from RUComingOut readers. Alex tells me that he hopes that 2013 will be the year that he finally feels confident enough to, "stop lying to everyone and start living life." Please leave any comments for Alex below; I know he will be very grateful.